Answer These Kinky Questions and We’ll Rate You From Wild Animal to Tamed Beast!

By: Ian Fortey

Answer These Kinky Questions and We’ll Rate You From Wild Animal to Tamed Beast!
Image: Sophie Filippova / Blend Images / Getty Images

About This Quiz

If there's one thing humans love to do, it's making animal metaphors. You can be as quiet as a mouse or as stealthy as a cat. Maybe you're as sly as a fox, or as free as a bird. You can be slippery like an eel or as stubborn as a bull. There's a veritable zoo out there when it comes to describing ourselves and our proclivities in life. Everything we do probably has a solid animal metaphor behind it. That includes in the bedroom, tiger!

Depending on how kinky you tend to be, you're going to be a little more or less open to those beastly metaphors. Not everyone is hungry like the wolf in the bedroom. Some people are more like cold fish or, and this is tragic, an old, tired Basset Hound just laying there at the foot of the bed with sad eyes and the faint hope someone might come along and offer a belly rub. But whatever the case, if you do us a favor and answer some kinky questions, we'll be more than happy to give you a rating on the ol' beastly bedroom scale to see where you fit in between the wildest beast to the tamest of animals. Take the quiz and see!

Do you remember the first time you saw some dirty pictures on the internet?
But... I've seen so many.
I've never intentionally looked up anything dirty.
Oh yeah. Good times.
Not exactly, I just know it was a while ago.

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The first time everyone is supposed to remember is the first time they had sex. So how old were you when that happened?
Gonna be honest, I was probably too young.
I was out of college.
It was around the time I went to college.
I was in high school.

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Sex with one person is the usual way things are done, but the more the merrier, right? How many people have you been with at one time?
There were more than a few people involved.
Just one
I'd like a threesome, but I've never had one.
I've had a threesome.

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Not that numbers necessarily mean anything, but when it comes to your numbers, what are we talking about? How many partners have you had?
Dude, was I supposed to keep count?
Three or less
Under six
Under 20

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Under ideal circumstances when you're not busy and have nowhere to be, how long should your sexy fun time last?
Are we talking about a whole weekend here or what?
I'm not sure. Like, 15 minutes?
An hour is good, right?
A couple of hours, I should hope.

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Have you ever found yourself motivated to include food in your sex?
It's like a buffet in there!
Not at all. Think of the mess!
I've tried it out before.
Chocolate, strawberries, whipped cream, you bet.

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Sexting is pretty popular thanks to everyone and their uncle having a smartphone. Do you do it?
It's why I have a phone!
No, what if someone else saw them?
It's happened once or twice.
I have definitely sent more than my share of naughty texts.

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Having sex in the back seat of a car is an old school cliche. Have you ever done it?
More times than I can count
How does anyone do that? There's no room!
I have fooled around in the car, sure.
Given it a try a few times

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No one's judging you here - have you known the name of everyone you've had sex with?
Yeah, no. Not really.
Of course!
Yes, even if I didn't know them very well.
Yes, though I may have just met one or two.

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Say you've met someone you're interested in. How are you going to seduce them?
I flat out say what I want.
I guess a smile, maybe offer to buy a drink.
I think I'm pretty good with body language.
The innuendo's going to be dropping like the ball on New Year's.

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"Going to bed" is just a euphemism for sex, you don't need to actually be in bed. What's your go-to location?
Wherever the mood strikes works for me.
I mean...the bed is where I usually do it.
The shower is always hot.
I have a bunch of rooms in my house and I make use of all of them.

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Sex in the great outdoors is a thing some people really enjoy. Are you one of them?
I'd do it on the front lawn if I could.
I could never do that.
I tried it once, where no one could see.
Definitely

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If a family member was looking for batteries, would you be comfortable with them looking in your nightstand?
I'm comfortable but they might be put off by all the sex toys in there.
Sure!
I would rather no one went in there without asking.
Yeah, no. Please don't.

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If your partner was into swinging and wanted to swap partners with another couple, what would you say?
Again? Yes!
I could never do that.
Oh wow, I'd have to think about that.
That sounds fun!

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Have you ever pleasured yourself at work?
Like it's my job.
Of course not!
Once. In the bathroom.
Yeah, that's happened a couple times.

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How many times a week do you like to get nasty?
Let's see, seven days a week, so 21 times or so.
Date night comes once a week!
A couple of times is nice.
Once a day would be great.

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They say sex is like pizza so that even when it's bad it's good. Have you ever had bad sex?
You work at it until it's good!
Ugh. Yes.
Sadly, it has happened before.
I guess so.

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If your partner busts out some handcuffs, what are you going to do?
Do I have to put mine away?
Oh no, that's not for me.
OK, I could get into that maybe.
That sounds like fun!

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What's your opinion on a little bit of spanking in the bedroom?
In the bedroom, the kitchen, the living room, I'm all in.
That's not appropriate.
Am I doing the spanking or am I spanking?
I am into it.

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Sometimes a sex toy can spice up your day. Do you own any?
I literally have a box full.
I do not have any.
I have a couple of fun things, yes.
I have a drawer with some things.

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How would you react if you discovered someone watching you have sex?
I'm always down to put on a show.
I would freak out.
That really depends on who it is.
That sounds kind of hot.

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Roleplaying can be an exciting addition to sexy times. Which role play is most appealing to you?
Sexy Nun
I'm not into this, really.
Sexy Cop
Sexy Teacher

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Would you ever make use of ropes or restraints in the bedroom?
I'm basically a bondage master.
No, thanks
Sure, I'd try it.
I've done it before.

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Do you own any articles of clothing that are specifically for sexy times?
I have a full sex wardrobe.
Not at all
I have some kind of sexy underwear.
Yep, I have a few things.

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Have you ever joined a website specifically to meet people for sex?
I'm on a few sites on a regular basis.
I tried a dating site, but it wasn't just for sex.
I've tried in the past.
Yes, I have.

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Do you have a favorite sexual position?
Just one? Come on!
Missionary gets the job done.
Doggystyle
Cowgirl

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How integral to a sexual experience is oral for you?
It's 110% necessary.
You don't need it every time.
It's important.
Can you even start without it?

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If you're in the market for a new toy, where are you going to go for it?
There's a store not far from where I live.
I don't really buy toys.
Amazon
I know some websites.

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The Mile High Club is a pretty famous thing. Are you a member?
Consider me a Diamond member.
Never!
It's a fun fantasy, but I don't think I could do it.
I would love to try but never have.

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Do you ever fantasize about friends and coworkers?
I've fantasized about pretty much everyone I've ever met.
Maybe one or two
A few people, yes
Yep, lots of them

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You Got: