Are You Calorie-Conscious?
By: Mark Lichtenstein
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About This Quiz
With all the attention, health incentives, and technology to support keeping a healthy weight, you would think people would be better at it. Whether it means keeping a diary, using an app, or going to a dietician, it can be done. The question is: are you calorie-conscious?
Does bread have a lot of calories in it?
More than you'd think, but it's not the same as eating a chocolate bar
So many calories. It's the devil!
What is the difference between the calories in a candy bar and the calories in a protein bar?
If the calories are equal, the huge number of calories in a protein bar undoes whatever health benefits the protein provides.
Protein bars are basically health points, like in a video game.
Protein bars have calories that burn more efficiently than the ones in a candy bar.
Protein bars are my primary form of food, and I never even touch candy.
Do you eat things without thinking about them?
No, it's all very deliberate.
Yeah, I may be eating right now but I don't know.
Sometimes, but then I work out like a madman.
All I do is think about how what I eat is turning me into a fat pig.
Do you eat when you are sad?
If it's the time of day to have a meal, technically yes.
No, I deliberately eat but eat less.
I don't eat at all when I'm sad.
Do you eat when you are happy?
Yes, technically, but I don't eat more when I'm happy.
Yeah! I celebrated my raise with a pint of Chunky Monkey!
Yes, but then I work my butt off at the gym.
No, because I'm happy that I haven't been eating.
When you are out with friends, how closely do you keep track of what you eat?
I keep a record on my phone.
I keep a record in my stomach.
I pull out my notebook and ask the waiter how many calories are in every bite of food and drop of wine.
I just don't eat, because then it's easy to keep track of.
When eating with friends, do you feel compelled to keep up with them, ordering courses you don't want because they do?
No, I have total self control.
I gotta eat as much as everyone.
If I do, I make up for it elsewhere.
I only have an appetizer and a glass of water.
Do you eat while you are working out?
Yeah! I have a 5,000 calorie protein shake while I sit on a bike.
Yeah, I have exactly five twenty thirds of a protein bar.
No, I starve myself while I work out.
Do you drink a lot of water?
I drink the recommended amount.
If it has cola syrup and bubbles in it.
I drink sixteen glasses a day.
I drink thirty glasses a day.
Are calories all the same?
Scientifically, yes. A calorie is a unit of measure, like inches or pounds.
No, some calories are delicious.
Some are magically good and some are magically evil.
They aren't good, any of them.
Is the whole "calorie" matter only a matter of addition and subtraction?
There's some long division.
Are you happy with your body, on a basic level?
What medium do you use to keep track of calories?
I post it all to Twitter.
What reference source do you use to find out how many calories are in foods?
The FDA website, and a scale.
I eyeball it. If it's delicious, I should eat it.
I have a nutritionist who gave me a book. It says I should stick to foods that begin with the letter H.
If it's a food, I shouldn't eat it.
What is the goal that lies behind your health habits?
I want to be an MMA champion!
I want to be in good shape.
I want to look like Beetlejuice at the end of the movie when that voodoo guy shrinks his head.
Next to counting calories, what is your number two fitness habit?
I play a lot of video games.
I have one major panic workout every month.
I run for an hour a day, every day, no matter what the weather, and I lift weights until I black out three times a week.
What would you say is your third most important fitness habit?
I try to get adequate sleep as much of the time as possible.
I drink 100% organic beer.
I drink 100% organic milk.
I have a good puke after every meal.
What do you think of when you hear the word "gym"?
I think of my trainer making me do Russian twists on a BOSU ball.
I remember when my high school gym teacher made me climb the rope and I pooped my pants in front of the whole school, then fell when I lost my grip.
I think maybe I should take steroids.
I think of how I will be the most sculpted beauty the world has ever seen, when I am perfect.
Do you give yourself prize incentives for keeping track of what you eat?
No, because if I need those and can't get them, I might fail.
Why bother? I can have the prizes without them. I'm an adult.
Sure! My prizes are piles of cake!
I do, and that prize is not eating anything.
Do you give yourself punishment incentives for keeping track of what you eat?
I force myself to run three miles for every calorie over my budget.
I lock myself in a room and starve for a week.
How many calories are there in a grape?
How many calories are there in a large martini?
If a friend asked you for a low-calorie snack, what would you give them?
I would regurgitate some of my leftovers for them.
How many calories should a man eat in a day?
That depends a lot on age, size, etc.
As few as are needed to survive
How many calories should a woman eat?
Again, this depends a lot on age, size, etc.
Whatever she feels like, because we live in a free country!
Not too many more than a few hours in the gym can't fix.
If she wants to be perfect, none.
How many calories should a child eat?
Sigh. Once more, this is determined by exact age, size, etc.
Many. That's why they call me a growing boy!
None. They should start skinny and not get fat.
How many calories should a pregnant woman eat?
Only a bit more than normal, since the second "person" is the size of a grapefruit.
Double the normal number, because she's eating for two!
That depends on if she's training for The Iron Man.
That depends on if she wants a fat baby who will never have friends.
How many calories does an hour of aerobic exorcise burn off?
By how much should you reduce your calorie intake to lose a pound a week?
What is a calorie?
The energy required to raise the temperature of 1 gram of water 1 °C
It's a thing that comes in numbers?
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