Are You Calorie-Conscious?

By: Mark Lichtenstein

Are You Calorie-Conscious?
Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

With all the attention, health incentives, and technology to support keeping a healthy weight, you would think people would be better at it. Whether it means keeping a diary, using an app, or going to a dietician, it can be done. The question is: are you calorie-conscious?
Does bread have a lot of calories in it?
More than you'd think, but it's not the same as eating a chocolate bar
Nah. Basically none.
So many calories. It's the devil!
I don't eat bread.

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What is the difference between the calories in a candy bar and the calories in a protein bar?
If the calories are equal, the huge number of calories in a protein bar undoes whatever health benefits the protein provides.
Protein bars are basically health points, like in a video game.
Protein bars have calories that burn more efficiently than the ones in a candy bar.
Protein bars are my primary form of food, and I never even touch candy.

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Do you eat things without thinking about them?
No, it's all very deliberate.
Yeah, I may be eating right now but I don't know.
Sometimes, but then I work out like a madman.
All I do is think about how what I eat is turning me into a fat pig.

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Do you eat when you are sad?
If it's the time of day to have a meal, technically yes.
Oh yes
No, I deliberately eat but eat less.
I don't eat at all when I'm sad.

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Do you eat when you are happy?
Yes, technically, but I don't eat more when I'm happy.
Yeah! I celebrated my raise with a pint of Chunky Monkey!
Yes, but then I work my butt off at the gym.
No, because I'm happy that I haven't been eating.

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When you are out with friends, how closely do you keep track of what you eat?
I keep a record on my phone.
I keep a record in my stomach.
I pull out my notebook and ask the waiter how many calories are in every bite of food and drop of wine.
I just don't eat, because then it's easy to keep track of.

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When eating with friends, do you feel compelled to keep up with them, ordering courses you don't want because they do?
No, I have total self control.
I gotta eat as much as everyone.
If I do, I make up for it elsewhere.
I only have an appetizer and a glass of water.

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Do you eat while you are working out?
No, that's ridiculous.
Yeah! I have a 5,000 calorie protein shake while I sit on a bike.
Yeah, I have exactly five twenty thirds of a protein bar.
No, I starve myself while I work out.

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Do you drink a lot of water?
I drink the recommended amount.
If it has cola syrup and bubbles in it.
I drink sixteen glasses a day.
I drink thirty glasses a day.

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Are calories all the same?
Scientifically, yes. A calorie is a unit of measure, like inches or pounds.
No, some calories are delicious.
Some are magically good and some are magically evil.
They aren't good, any of them.

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Is the whole "calorie" matter only a matter of addition and subtraction?
Yes
Mostly addition
There's some long division.
It's all subtraction.

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Are you happy with your body, on a basic level?
Yes
The more the merrier
I wish I could be taller
No

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What medium do you use to keep track of calories?
I keep a notebook.
My head
I tattoo it on my body.
I post it all to Twitter.

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What reference source do you use to find out how many calories are in foods?
The FDA website, and a scale.
I eyeball it. If it's delicious, I should eat it.
I have a nutritionist who gave me a book. It says I should stick to foods that begin with the letter H.
If it's a food, I shouldn't eat it.

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What is the goal that lies behind your health habits?
Good general health
I want to be an MMA champion!
I want to be in good shape.
I want to look like Beetlejuice at the end of the movie when that voodoo guy shrinks his head.

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Next to counting calories, what is your number two fitness habit?
I get regular workouts.
I play a lot of video games.
I have one major panic workout every month.
I run for an hour a day, every day, no matter what the weather, and I lift weights until I black out three times a week.

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What would you say is your third most important fitness habit?
I try to get adequate sleep as much of the time as possible.
I drink 100% organic beer.
I drink 100% organic milk.
I have a good puke after every meal.

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What do you think of when you hear the word "gym"?
I think of my trainer making me do Russian twists on a BOSU ball.
I remember when my high school gym teacher made me climb the rope and I pooped my pants in front of the whole school, then fell when I lost my grip.
I think maybe I should take steroids.
I think of how I will be the most sculpted beauty the world has ever seen, when I am perfect.

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Do you give yourself prize incentives for keeping track of what you eat?
No, because if I need those and can't get them, I might fail.
Why bother? I can have the prizes without them. I'm an adult.
Sure! My prizes are piles of cake!
I do, and that prize is not eating anything.

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Do you give yourself punishment incentives for keeping track of what you eat?
No, that's insane.
I whip myself.
I force myself to run three miles for every calorie over my budget.
I lock myself in a room and starve for a week.

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How many calories are there in a grape?
3
0?
30
900

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How many calories are there in a large martini?
400
10
100, it's like a coke
9,000,000

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If a friend asked you for a low-calorie snack, what would you give them?
A tangerine
A bag of peanut M&Ms
A steak
I would regurgitate some of my leftovers for them.

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How many calories should a man eat in a day?
That depends a lot on age, size, etc.
As many as he can!
Less than a horse
As few as are needed to survive

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How many calories should a woman eat?
Again, this depends a lot on age, size, etc.
Whatever she feels like, because we live in a free country!
Not too many more than a few hours in the gym can't fix.
If she wants to be perfect, none.

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How many calories should a child eat?
Sigh. Once more, this is determined by exact age, size, etc.
Many. That's why they call me a growing boy!
Not too many, right?
None. They should start skinny and not get fat.

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How many calories should a pregnant woman eat?
Only a bit more than normal, since the second "person" is the size of a grapefruit.
Double the normal number, because she's eating for two!
That depends on if she's training for The Iron Man.
That depends on if she wants a fat baby who will never have friends.

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How many calories does an hour of aerobic exorcise burn off?
300-500
Like, 10,000
Only 100
Never enough

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By how much should you reduce your calorie intake to lose a pound a week?
3,000
10
1,000
9,000

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What is a calorie?
The energy required to raise the temperature of 1 gram of water 1 °C
It's a thing that comes in numbers?
4.1868 joules
The enemy

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