Are You Clarkson, Hammond or May?

By: Nikki Weed

Are You Clarkson, Hammond or May?
Image: Amazon Prime

About This Quiz

Automotive television has come a long way in just the last two decades. In the '90s, you might have gotten lucky and seen an episode of "Motor Week" on Saturday morning, but there wasn't much else out there. More cable channels were introduced in the early '00s, but most of the shows seemed monotonous and mundane. This stagnant automotive journalism arena was blown to pieces by the introduction of our semi-lovable car junkies on "Top Gear" in 2002. This program lured a whole new generation of petrol heads to the television set every week. Test drives, squealing tires and off-the-wall challenges every week kept the show fresh and relevant to a generation whose interest in motorsports seemed waning.

What made "Top Gear" truly unique was the intense personality profiles of the hosts of the show. Jeremy Clarkson was on the opposite end of the emotional teeter-totter from James May and created a dynamic personality conflict. Add in the levelheaded Richard Hammond, and you've got a show that is easier to binge-watch than "Friends" or "The Office." The highlight of every show, however, was hands down the mystery behind who was under the dark visored helmet "The Stig" wore. Every show drew you into the lovable car guys, but you were really tuning in to see if that was going to be the episode that revealed who The Stig actually was. 

As an automotive enthusiast, who do you relate to? Are you more apt to drive conservatively or go full throttle at all costs? Take the quiz to find out which "Top Gear"/"Grand Tour" personality you really are. You might be shocked!

1-James Bond Car Everybody knows James Bond had the best babes, coolest clothes and best cars. What Bond car would you choose to be in your garage?
Lotus Esprit S1 from "The Spy Who Loved Me" because it had a submarine function
The Range Rover Classic from "Dr. No" simply because sometimes the shortest way is through a field
Mercedes S400 in "Skyfall" because people who see you in it know you're somebody important
BMW Z8, it's a unique car, but unassuming at the same time

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2-Clarkson Driving You're prepared with a big bowl of popcorn, your Snuggie and a cold beverage to watch your favorite high-speed chase movie. Which one would you chose?
"The French Connection"
"Ronin"
"The Italian Job (1969)"
"The Blues Brothers"

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3-Clarkson Formula 1 Let's talk Formula One! What was the best Formula One team ever to race?
Lotus with Nigel Mansell
Mercedes AMG Petronas with Lewis Hamilton
BMW Sauber with Robert Kubica
Lotus-Renault with Ayrton Senna

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4-James May Talking What would you consider the fastest continent in the world, and why?
Australia, because when you get caught going 220 kph it's fun to hear the local constable chew you out.
Europe, the Autobahn is plenty fast for just about any driver.
United States, there's nowhere quite on earth as flat and rewarding as the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Antarctica, what better place to go warp speed, especially when there's nobody around to see you do it?

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5-Rally Race You've decided to experience the rugged excitement that is rally racing. You've selected your car, but who would you choose to be your navigator?
Jeremy Clarkson, like there's any other option!
Kimi Raikkonen: just leave him alone because he knows what he's doing.
Walter Röhr, how could there be another choice?
Timo Mäkinen, Flying Finns are supposed to be good luck.

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6-EV When the world finally runs out of fossil fuels and everyone is forced to drive electric vehicles, which one would you choose?
BMW i3
Give up driving, electric cars are rubbish.
Chevy Volt
Tesla Roadster

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7-Surprised Face Psychologically, what has been the most horrific event in your life?
Getting a pie to the face in front of an audience
Getting caught playing the piano in public, and playing it very well
Crashing a dragster at ridiculously high speed
Having people find out you invented curtains

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8-American Muscle As an automotive voice with high accolades, what would you rank as the most impressive American muscle car?
Most American cars are rubbish, give me a good '80s Audi.
The 1970 Dodge Challenger is a pretty decent machine aesthetically, but American muscle cars don't make sense.
1971 Ford Torino GT Convertible, form, function and most importantly fun. American muscle cars are life.
An early '60s Ford GT, the baddest of the bunch

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9-Stig Driving While tearing apart an automobile mechanically, what part gives you the most satisfaction and why?
The alternator, also known as the secondary life force of the vehicle. You can kill the livelihood of an automobile by removing the alternator.
The horn, because nothing should be able to be louder than you are.
The wheels, because what is a vehicle without the wheels that roll down the road? Wheels present an existential conundrum, is a car really a vehicle without wheels?
The gas pedal. What good is life without the ability to go fast?

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10-Top Gear Standing After a long day of unwinding, you decide to retire home and spend quality time with your pet. What pet would suit you best?
A parrot! They can carry a conversation and you're allergic to cats anyway.
Two goldfish in a tank, they're loyal even if they don't get to see the "real" you very often.
Any farm animal that decides to take up residence on your lawn. The more the merrier!
A Siamese cat that enjoys listening to you toot your flute and doesn't make you sneeze.

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11-Studio What's aftermarket performance package makes the most sense to you?
Long live Lingenfelter!
AMG everything!
Dinan for days
Slapping a "life in the fast lane" sticker on the bumper and a calling it a day

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12-James You're preparing for an exotic vacation among palm trees and umbrella drinks. What are you going pack as a wardrobe?
A single Acapulco shirt with a semi-tattered set of cargo shorts
Two collared shirts and slacks that don't match
One polo with some reflective quality, one button-down shirt, various trousers
A racing helmet, clean underwear and a Nomex suit

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13-Cool Wall What do you think should be at the very top of the iconic Top Gear "Cool Wall"?
Aston Martin DB9
Citroën C3
Mercedes-Benz SLK55 AMG
Jaguar XJR

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14-Studio After a long day of analyzing automobiles and being witty, what's your favorite beverage to unwind with?
Earl Grey Tea
Cranberry Seltzer Water
There's no time for unwinding, only speed.
Hot cocoa

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15-James May Finish this sentence, country and western music is *blank*.
Rubbish
Tolerable
On mute
Poignant

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16-Monster Truck Let's talk about monster trucks. Which one do you relate to as a professional automotive journalist and why?
Bigfoot, everyone either loves or hates you. Your job performance succeeds either way.
Monster Mutt, under those floppy ears, nobody knows who you really are on the inside.
Gravedigger, he's all about getting the job done and doing things in an efficient manner.
Maximum Destruction, deep down inside that truck would rather be next to a fishing lake as opposed to smashing cars.

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17-Clarkson Driving The Gambon Corner can make even the most talented driver sweat. What would you like to see flip there?
I'd like to see the person who can flip something on that corner.
A Hyundai Accent, followed by a couple more Accents. How about a full procession of flipping Accents?
One beautifully engineered Pagani losing its rear end and spewing parts across the field would be grand.
Any white van traveling slowly in the left lane

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18-Studio What will your iconic last words be?
"I reckon I was gonna give it the good old Scandinavian flick."
"Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you."
"I don't know what a gazillion is."
"The Dude abides."

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19-Studio You've stubbed your toe on a coffee table leg. What sort of curse words do you let out?
Fudge nuggets!
For Pete's sake!
Bollocks!
You've picked the wrong toe to stub, coffee table!

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20-James May You've decided to hop on the diesel sedan bandwagon. What are you going to buy?
A used Audi A8, with the Cold Weather package
Vauxhall Insignia, but opt for a wagon instead of just a sedan
2020 Volkswagen Golf MK8, it's not technically a sedan but it has four doors, so it's close enough.
Mercedes-Benz W123 with limo tint

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21-Hammond What's your favorite Winter Olympic sport and why?
Biathlon, what's cooler than skiing and shooting?
Curling, watching them sweep the ice is mesmerizing!
Figure skating, it takes a lot of guts to go out in public with those tiny outfits!
Hockey, and the more bloodshed the better!

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22-Race Track What is the definitive best track ... in the world?
All 16.12 miles of the Nurburgring, especially Flugplatz
The Formula One Circuit in Monaco, primarily because of the glorious scenery
Circuit of the Americas, although it'd be better if it was located anywhere other than Texas
The world is one giant race track, how can you pick just one?

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23-The Stig "Some say ..." What's your favorite introduction given to The Stig?
"Some say he invented Branston Pickle and if you insult his mother he'll headbutt you in the chest."
"Some say he has a stripey shirt just like mine."
"Some say he isn't machine-washable and all his potted plants are called Steve."
"Some say that he knows two facts about ducks and both of them are wrong."

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24-Outdoors You've agreed to give a friend a ride to the airport, but only on the condition they don't change the radio. What album will they be listening to?
Supertramp, "Crime of the Century"
Tom Waits, "Rain Dogs"
Bombay Bicycle Club, "I Had The Blues But I Shook Them Off"
Yes, "Close To The Edge"

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25-Race Track Let's pretend you're not an automotive journalist. What would you be instead?
A super villain
A concert pianist
Steward of Animal Husbandry
Furniture mover

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26-Airplane You've decided to mount an aftermarket wing on the back of your JDM coupe. While going down the highway it becomes loose, how do you fix it?
Rip the bloody thing off and throw it into the ditch
Find the proper nut and bolt to secure it
Gaffer tape and lots of it
Drive faster until it eventually flies off

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27-Field Maps are for blokes! Where are you most likely to get lost?
Navigating a roundabout
On a NASCAR oval track
The narrow streets of Naples, Italy
There's no such thing as getting lost, just deviated from course.

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28-Studio It's well known that the Toyota Hilux is virtually indestructible. How would you go about trying to destroy one anyway?
Run it over with a tank, then use dynamite just to make sure
Literally anything but driving it to the North Pole
Rescue it and take it to a farm where it can live out its life with other tired, old trucks
Fill it with racing fuel and register it in a 24 Hours Of Lemons race

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29-Studio Horn What's the hottest hatch on the market, and in what color?
Volkswagen Golf R in Arctic White
Ford Focus RS500 in Cobalt Blue
Renault Megane Renaultsport Trophy-R in Gulf livery
Audi RS3 in Solar Orange

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30-Stig Which "star in a reasonably priced car" would make a good replacement Stig?
Simon Cowell
Damon Hill
Rowan Atkinson
Chris Evans

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