Brits: Do You Need a Cuppa, a Pint, a Coffee or a Heart Attack on a Plate?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
5 min
Brits: Do You Need a Cuppa, a Pint, a Coffee or a Heart Attack on a Plate?
Image: Peter Dazeley/Photodisc/Getty Images

About This Quiz

No matter what problem you face in your life, if you’re British or have a British friend, you’ll have noticed that the standard British response is to assume that the cure surely lies in a nice cup of tea. After all, in the damp British climate, it’s almost never too hot, too cold or too humid to be really quite comforting. Sometimes, you’ll even have one when absolutely nothing is wrong, just because you like giving your insides a little hug.

However, some issues are more serious, and these require the application of more dramatic methods. If you’re very lonely and you need to be around your friends, then a pint is the glue that will bind you all together. If you’re simply out of steam, but you can’t afford to stop, then what you need is undoubtedly coffee. If the issue is truly dire and the only way forward is to stop altogether and indulge in a little comfort food while you take your mind off it entirely, you need to get yourself “down the caff” and enjoy a “full English” — even if it isn’t breakfast time! Sometimes, you just need the traditional “heart attack on a plate.”

What do you need to make your day go better? Let’s find out!

Do you generally find your work fulfilling?
Yes, I love it!
Yes, but it is very demanding.
It's OK, I suppose.
No

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How much attention are you paying to the current state of British politics?
None
A little
More than I should
I can't look away.

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Do you feel pretty good about your health?
Yes, I can run a marathon!
I work out a decent amount.
I could drop a few pounds but otherwise, yes.
I'm way more frail than I'd like.

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How many people currently depend on you for the roof over their head?
None
One
Three, but I have a spouse who shares the load
More than five

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Have you been watching the football?
Nope
I don't care about the football.
I wish I had time!
I have it on in the background and it makes me insane.

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Are you able to switch off in the evening and actually relax?
Yes
More than I should, actually
I wish.
I can, but I feel so guilty I don't.

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Brits curse a lot more than Americans. How many swearwords would you estimate come out of your mouth in a normal day?
Three
More than 20
Seven
About 82

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How would you describe your usual commute?
I walk to work through a charming Cotswold village.
I take the Tube 30 minutes across London.
I bike to work across a small town.
I drive from my little suburb into the city, meaning I interact with the M25 every day.

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If we asked you to list all the things in your house that are currently broken or in need of attention, how long would it take?
I actually just did it all!
A minute or two
Half an hour
We'd be here all night.

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What sort of pet do you have?
No pet
Cat
Dog
My kids have various rodents.

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How well do you get on with your neighbors?
They are angels! Also, they live far enough away that I cannot hear them so only see them when I want to.
They are annoyed by how often I am up late.
They're fine.
They are Satan.

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If your best mate called and said, "I need you to bring £1,000 in cash to the alley behind the pub, and I can't tell you why," how fast could you get the money together?
I keep a few grand in an emergency fund in the attic.
I'd have to hit up my savings, which would hurt.
I have it, but I wouldn't respond to a call like that.
I'd have to pawn some things so I'd probably ask a few questions.

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How often do you burn the candle at both ends?
Rarely
I'm doing it now!
Most weeks at least a little
Constantly

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Are you currently doing any sort of class or hobby that is entirely for fun (i.e. not work training)?
Yes, a few!
I'm learning a language, which is only peripherally about work.
I used to be in a cricket club but I had to quit.
I wish!

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When was the last time you went for a walk in the park or woods?
Today
I change my route to go through the park on the way to meetings, does that count?
A few weeks ago, maybe
I don't remember.

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What sort of building do you live in?
Cottage with a big garden
Loft in a luxury apartment complex
Two-up, two-down, so just an ordinary house
Small flat in a huge building

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When was the last time you took a vacation?
Last month
I visited family for Christmas, but I hate them so it may not count.
We went away the year before last for a weekend.
Never

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How many weeks this year have you worked more than 70 hours, including childcare and eldercare?
None
Most
Half
All

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Do you cook for yourself most nights?
Of course! I love to cook.
No, it's takeout most nights.
Thankfully my boo and I split that task.
I have to because I cannot afford to do anything else.

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However much sleep you do (or don't) get, how much of it is good quality?
I sleep eight hours straight through.
I only sleep six hours but it's good sleep.
I sleep for eight hours but it's interrupted a lot.
I get under six hours and it's not good sleep.

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Do you and your boo have regular time to hang out, just the two of you?
Yes, weekly!
I have no time for a boo.
I can't remember the last time we did.
We keep meaning to but it never happens.

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What gives you the most hope for the future?
Everything!
Seeing how far I've come
My kids
I don't know.

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How do you typically get around your local town or village?
Walk
Cycle
Bus
I have to wait for a special access bus.

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Do you volunteer for any charitable groups?
Yes. It is very fulfilling.
No, but I will when I have time.
No, but I give money.
I would, but I'm on the receiving end of charity right now.

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What's the main way that you stay in touch with your best friends?
We have regular chats on the phone and meet for tea or to see a movie.
Texting, mainly!
Social media
Sadly, I've lost touch with many of them.

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Besides relatives, how many people could you call at 3 a.m. in a panic and wake them up, and they wouldn't be mad?
At least 10
Maybe four
Only two, but my relatives are rock solid and numerous!
None

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What happens if you sleep through your alarm?
I get to work late.
I have to stay late and never catch up.
My boss is mean to me.
I'd probably be fired.

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Bilbo Baggins said, "I feel like butter scraped across too much bread." How does that make you feel?
Sorry for Bilbo
That is definitely me sometimes.
I know just how he feels.
I wish I could afford butter.

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If you won £1,000,000, what would you do first?
Give it away
Fund my business idea
Set up college funds for the kids
Pay off debts and get an accessible car for my elderly mother

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What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
Trashy TV, and lots of it
Long baths
Turning off my phone and pretending I just didn't hear it
I sometimes stay in the shower an extra 30 seconds because the water feels nice on my neck.

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You Got:

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