Can We Tell Whether or Not You Have Kids?

By: Zoe Samuel

Can We Tell Whether or Not You Have Kids?
Image: sturti / E+ / Getty Images

About This Quiz

Children are a blessing, of course - everyone knows this. Of course, they can also feel like a pack of little curses running around and destroying everything you have while vacuuming up all your free time and money, while never vacuuming up the crumbs they leave in every nook and cranny of your home! 

They'll drive you up the wall and make you want to scream with frustration one minute, and the next they say something so incredibly insightful, cute, or charming that you melt into a big ball of love and just want to cuddle and praise them forever. You can feel this way about a child whether you have just the one, you have a whole house-full, or whether the only kids you interact with regularly are those of a friend, neighbor, or relative, and you can hand them back whenever you are tired of them.

Then there are those for whom having kids simply isn't how they want to live their lives, and that's OK too. People can find legacies in all sorts of ways, such as in their work, charitable giving, political activism or in mentoring without parenting, Those people usually have tidier houses, and they sleep better. Let's see if we can figure which category you fall into!

When was the last time you slept through the night?
1995
2 years ago
Last night
The night before last

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You have to spend $20 on yourself. What do you get?
I could never!
Bath salts
Book
Movie tickets

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When was the last time you had a nice long bath?
What is that?
I don't remember.
I'm literally in it right now.
Sunday

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Do you have any spare money?
I have three pennies.
I have $5. Please do not take my $5.
I have so much money! Hooray!
I have some.

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What political problem scares you?
Climate change
The decline of democracy
Partisan gridlock
Civil rights rollbacks

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How much of "The Gruffalo" can you recite?
All of it. I can't stop. It's in my head forever.
Most of it
What is that?
A few lines

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When did you start having kids?
In the Before Time, long ago
37
I wouldn't until I was married.
I think 35 is good.

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Do you have a steady paycheck?
Yes, thank God.
I have two!
Nope!
Usually

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Do you like being around a lot of people?
Yes, of course
Not really
No, I hate everyone.
Depends who

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How involved in your community are you?
As much as I can
Very
I hate my community.
More than people realize before they get to know me.

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Do you want to just get away?
God, yes.
That sounds nice.
I just did!
I'm going away soon.

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Do you feel outnumbered?
I am!
Not quite
No
Sometimes

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How clean is your house?
LOL, it's a pigsty.
It's acceptable.
It's immaculate.
It's above average.

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Have you ever trodden on a Lego?
Yes, I now have special calluses just for that.
Yes, more than once.
No, it can't be that bad, can it?
Yes. I am still haunted.

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How often do you actually feel like cooking a proper dinner?
Never, but I always do.
Most nights
Rarely
Half the time

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Can you juggle more than three items at once?
I can juggle 100 items!
Yes
I can't juggle two items.
Just about

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Do people often say, "I don't know how you do it?"
I don't know, I'm too busy doing it to listen.
Daily
Never, which sucks.
Every so often and I feel a bit like I cheated them.

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How important is your local support network of friends and family?
I would literally die without it.
Very
Not at all, I don't have one and I don't miss it.
Fairly

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Have you bitten the bullet and moved to the 'burbs?
Yes. I love it here.
Yes. I hate it here.
No, and I never will.
I'm thinking about it.

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What percentage of your wardrobe is handwash or dry clean only?
Why would such things exist? That's crazy.
15%
50% or more
30%

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What percentage of your house is tidy at any given moment?
0%
30%
90%
65%

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What's your biggest expense?
College savings
Babysitting
Rent
Healthcare

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How many wobbly parts do you have on your body?
There are no non-wobbly parts.
Just a couple
None. Ew.
A few, but I always had them and I love them!

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How many TV shows are fully up to date on watching?
None
Just Dora the Explorer
The entire Marvel and DC TV universes plus everything on HBO - and also, most Amazon Originals
Most of Starz and Showtime for me!

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When was the last time you got through a phone call without having to talk to someone in the room with you?
Hang on; I'll answer that in a - JAMIE PUT YOUR SOCKS ON RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
Last week
Today
Yesterday

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Are you just really annoyed a lot of the time?
No, I am too tired.
Yes, honestly. I hate it.
I would be if I did not protect my boundaries.
Not really

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Are you ever lonely?
I wish.
Sometimes, in a weird way
Yes, often.
Once in a while

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How much do you curse?
I say juvenile things like "darn it" a lot.
More than I should!
Like a sailor.
About average I think.

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Can you walk around naked if you want to?
I could, but nobody needs to see that.
Not really
I'm naked right now.
Usually, yes

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Do you ever refer to a pet as your baby?
No, pets are not children.
I used to.
Of course, my kittykins is my baby!
No, I love my dog but they are not a baby.

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You Got:

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