Can We Guess Which Premier League Team You Would Play For?

By: Zoe Samuel

Can We Guess Which Premier League Team You Would Play For?
Image: Martinns/E+/Getty Images

About This Quiz

There are some team sports that are "strong link" games; that is, one amazing player like a LeBron James or a Michael Jordan can hold up a team that is otherwise only decent, and shepherd them to victory. Other sports are "weak link" games; that is, one bad player will let the other side score, or fail to hold up their end. Soccer, or football as it is known in the land of its birth, is a weak-link game. This means that it's very important for the team to work together to cover one another's weaknesses, boost one another's strengths and understand the overall strategy.

This means that different teams tend to develop their own cultures that transcend any individual player. A star player, even one as big as David Beckham or as talented as Cristiano Ronaldo, cannot simply swan in and dominate the scene. Only the manager has this sort of power, and even he will tend to be hired in the image of the team. The result is that different teams tend to develop very strong and varied identities, and this affects who supports them; unlike Major League Baseball, which footie team you love tends to be about the one with whom you identify as much as it is about location.

Thus, picking a team on which to play is all about culture fit: how you train, how you see yourself, what sort of fans you'd click with, and who you are. Tell us a little about yourself and we'll find you the perfect Premier League team!

Do you see yourself as an underdog?
Once in a while
LOL no
A little
Yes, totally

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Have you ever had a rich patron?
Yes
Yes, but I don't need it.
I've had offers.
Heck no!

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How culturally diverse an area did you grow up in?
Fairly
Somewhat
The most
It wasn't when I grew up, but now it is, which I love.

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Do you think it's more about hard work, or talent?
Mostly talent
Talent
Mostly hard work
Hard work

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Can you handle a harsh climate?
I love that!
I can deal.
No
I prefer it.

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How important is team unity to you?
It's the most important.
Not important - I want to be the star.
Diverse members coming together is what it is all about!
We must be like limbs on a single body.

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Have you ever surprised a lot of people?
Once in a while
No
A few times
Yes, only once, but it was big.

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Do you love a big city?
I like midsize and vibrant.
I prefer one.
I love it!
I hate it.

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How late do you want to stay out when you party?
Midnight
2 a.m.
5 a.m.
11 p.m.

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Be honest: if you saw a teammate take a dive, would you tell?
No, my life wouldn't be worth tuppence if I did that.
Never - if he got away with it, good for him!
Probably, yeah.
I'd tell our manager after the game.

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How do you feel about all these oligarchs buying up teams?
I am against it.
I used to be against it.
I don't mind.
I'm for it.

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How important is an international reputation?
It's important that football people know what's up, but I don't care about civilians.
It's very important to work at a household name.
Somewhat
Not at all

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What colors work with your complexion?
Black and white
Red and gold
Blue and white
Solid blue

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Do you want to be the biggest fish in a smaller pond?
I'd like that!
No, I want to be a whale in the ocean.
Not really
No, I want to be lots of smaller fish.

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Internationally, which team would suit you best?
AC Milan
Real Madrid
Bayern Munich
Ajax Amsterdam

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What position do you play?
Goalie
Striker
Midfielder
Centre-back

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Be honest: how much of a show-off are you?
Fairly
Total
A little
Not much at all

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What sort of house do you want to live in?
Castle
McMansion
Loft
Country cottage

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With which tabloid paper would you like to have a love-hate relationship?
The Daily Mirror
The Sun
The Daily Express
The Daily Mail

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What's your style as a player?
Think strategically and go hard when I go.
Hang around then break quickly and score.
Run a lot and serve the needs of my teammates.
Always be ready and react like a coiled spring.

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If you're knocked down, do you try to get up no matter how much you're bleeding?
Of course, I'm hard as nails, innit?
Nah, I take a break.
If I can!
I have no choice but to do this.

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Do you enjoy flashy moves like playing "keepie-uppie"?
Not on the pitch
Sure, the fans love it!
Only for fun
I have no time for such nonsense.

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What sort of charity will you support with your Premier League millions?
Conservation
Cancer research
Art for kids
Sports for kids

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What utterly silly purchase will you make with that first 250K/week paycheck?
Absurd house
Absurd car
Absurd jewelry
Nothing, I'll just get my mother a proper house.

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Which brand will sponsor you?
Fancy watch
Soft drinks
Menswear
Chocolate bar

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What celebrity will you marry?
Fellow sporting star
International pop star
The second most famous one in a girl band
Morning TV news anchor

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What injury will you pray most to avoid?
I won't pray to avoid them, I'll just assume I'm too hard to get any.
Broken metatarsal
Broken knee
Groin injury

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When you get a little older, is managing a team on the cards?
If it is the right team
No, thanks
If the money is right
Yes, please!

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What will be your role in the team, socially speaking?
The one who shows rookies the ropes
Naughty one
Quiet one
Mad one

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How neat will your area in the locker room be?
Total tip
Slightly messy
Pretty neat
Immaculate

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You Got:

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