Can We Guess Your Spirit Animal Based on Your Political Views?

Zoe Samuel

Image: Alaska Photography / Moment / Getty Images

About This Quiz

Shamanic traditions go back to the dawn of religion. The earliest experiences of human beings was that of hunter gatherers, roaming the plains and forests of the Earth, searching for food and shelter. Our ancestors looked around them and ascribed human-like qualities, usually involving intention, to all the natural forces around them. One such natural force was the animal kingdom.

Thus, different animals came to represent different characteristics. The spider represented order. The wolf represented endurance and hunger. The bear represented raw power. The eagle represented divine authority, truth, and empire. In time, the meanings of animals changed as the human relationships with them changed. Carrion birds began to gather around our roads, and so their symbolism mixed with that of the roads we built. Rats went from hardy survivors in the wilderness to pests who spread disease.

What we have for you is a challenge. Answer a series of questions about your politics we prepared for you. Please answer them honestly. When all is said and done, we will use this to tell you which totemic animal belongs to you, and you can join your next shamanic bake-off in full costume. Are you ready to connect your modern politics to ancient tradition? Take this quiz and find out!

Are you for or against the use of so-called "soft power"?

No, it seems unnecessarily expensive.

I'm for it. It's soft power, or bullets.
If it involves spending my hard earned money, forget it.

I like soft things. Sounds good to me.

Should there be bans on automatic weapons?

I think you'll find that "automatic" doesn't mean "fully automatic", it means "semi-automatic", which means you don't know what you're talking about and I can disregard any thoughts you have on this.

Of course. Can you imagine a mass shooting with a bunch of military grade weapons on full auto? Horrifying.
No. I reserve the right to own an MP-5, for home protection. And hunting.

Yeah, I think that's a good place to draw the line.

Should the executives of corporations that hurt people be held to personally account for their businesses?

No, they are the engine of the country's economy!

Of course, if they are responsible for the malfeasance.
Hang them by their entrails!

Yeah! Send them all to prison, the bastards!

Should the USA be the global hegemon?

Absolutely. And take all the oil.

Yes, but we should be a benevolent superpower, like Michael Jordan back in the early 1990s.
It's not our business to be the world's policeman! Leave it to the other nations to do that.

Seems like a lot of work to me. Can we leave it to the experts to decide?

How much should the rich be taxed?

Very little. They are the reason we have a robust economy.

They should be taxed enough that they are giving back in a meaningful way, but not so much that they find it cost effective to game the system.
We should abolish the whole tax system and replace it with a flat tax.

They should be taxed into oblivion! No one should be rich!

Should there be bans on assault weapons?

Hell no! I think the gun laws we have just need to be enforced.

Yeah, that seems pretty reasonable.
No, the constitution guarantees the right to armed insurrection.

I think all weapons should be banned.

Should abortion be legal?

God no.

Yes, because it's a medical procedure and before birth, a pre-human isn't a human.
That should be left to the states to decide.

Yeah, why not?

How should people be taxed on their income?

There shouldn't be an income tax, at all.

It should be more taxes the more you make, since tax percentages mean a lot less to the lifestyle of someone making millions of dollars than the poor.
There should be a flat tax, set to 12%.

I guess our current system is fine.

How should the USA adjust its take on public housing?

Tear it all down to encourage the people in public housing to get jobs.

Try to find a way to make it self-sustaining and not just a money pit.
Sell it all to the private sector so the invisible hand of the market can handle everything.

Put more money into them.

Is a potential baby the same as a baby?

Yes, absolutely.

No, that's why you don't call them babies.
I neither know nor care.

I guess right around the time it is born, it sort of is.

How should people be taxed on their investments?

They shouldn't. The nation benefits from investment and this encourages that.

They should be taxed on capital gains, etc. in a way that encourages them to invest.
As little as possible.

Eat the rich! Sorry. What was the question?

What should the government do about the state of its welfare programs?

Starve them and see if the people running them get creative.

Give them time to work on new ideas.
Cut them all off at the knees.

Pour money into them until they work.

How much should corporations be taxed?

30%.

35%
5%

80%

How often do you worry about crime?

Quite a bit.

Not much.
All the time!

Not at all.

What should the government be doing with regard to the education system?

Give everyone vouchers. Public schools don't work.

Give the government time to work things out, but keep things in the hands of experts, not politicians.
Kill off the Dept. of Education. It's a waste of money.

Cut all spending to the military and send it to the Dept. of Education.

What do you think about immigrants in general?

We're full. Close the borders.

It's good. We need new people.
It's a net negative.

We shouldn't have borders at all.

Are we spending enough money on the military?

No, never.

Yes, probably.
We should spend about 70% as much.

We should be spending half as much.

What single law do you think would do the most to fix our healthcare system?

Get rid of the ACA.

Single payer. We need single payer.
Get rid of all regulations.

We should make medical school free, and invoke single payer.

What should be done to change our immigration system?

Cut down legal immigration.

Put money into the existing system to make immigration court work better.
Nothing. It's mostly fine.

Just let everyone in.

Should the national parks be opened up for oil exploration?

Of course! Money for us!

No, they are a national treasure.
No, that doesn't sound right for some reason.

No! Oil should be abolished forever starting today because gas makes Gaia cry!

Should the executives of corporations that hurt people be held to personally account for their businesses even if they had nothing to do with the thing that caused the harm?

No. They didn't do anything wrong!

If they were in charge, they should still feel some sting, even if it isn't what the underlings responsible get.
They should be punished. Fined.

They should go to jail for life!

What should the 99% do about the 1%?

The 99% should wish they'd worked harder.

Vote for people who will enact the laws that will reign in the wealthy.
Possibly find out how to incentivize the 1% to invest its money in a productive way.

Torches and pitchforks!

What do you think of standardized testing methods?

They're fine. Study harder, slackers.

They should try to keep up with the times a little better.
They're dumb. There should be no testing of any kind.

Testing should be done in accordance with the social group of the testees, in a culturally sensitive way.

What should be done about affirmative action?

Get rid of it, as it is biased.

Nothing. It's a good thing.
Get rid of it, since it amounts to putting one's finger on the scales of commerce.

It doesn't go far enough! We should do reparations!

What should US relations to Russia be like?

It'd be nice if we could be friends.

Yeah, it would be nice to be friends, but we can't be, because Russia's government is malevolent.
We should beat them into submission like in Rocky IV.

We should try to be friends with their allies, so we can out-compete Russia for goodwill.

Is Brexit a good thing for the UK?

It's great! Freedom!

It's a badly misunderstood, dumb idea.
It's good. The EU is communist propaganda.

It's terrible! The EU should be like a socialist version of the USA, not like a Civil War version of the USA!

If you destroy someone's house, what should happen?

They should shoot you.

You should be made to pay reparations.
You should go to jail.

That's exactly what climate change is doing right now and the bigwigs who run The Corporations shouldn't be allowed to get away with it!

Is Bernie Sanders a Democrat?

Yes, and he's very typical of the party.

No. He just caucuses with them in the Senate.
No, he's a Communist.

Yes, but the rest of the so-called "Democrats" aren't.

Should cannabis be legalized on the federal level?

No! Drug addicts need to learn that drugs are immoral by suffering until they die on the streets, which is what happens when you smoke the pot!

Probably. It seems enforcing that drug law is a giant waste of money.
Yes, because the ban infringes on personal freedom.

Yes, because the law is racist.

Whose fault was the 2018-2019 government shutdown?

Nancy Pelosi

The President
It sure looks like it's the White House to me.

The Illuminati

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