Can We Guess Your Vampire Age?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
3 min
Can We Guess Your Vampire Age?
Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

There are many stories about vampires. The most famous is, of course, Bram Stoker's novel "Dracula," which tells the story of the blood-sucking count. By that measure, the oldest vampires would be a mere 500 years old. However, some people say that the vampire legend goes back to Longinus, the centurion whose spear pierced the side of Christ on the Cross, and who sipped the holy blood and then walked among humanity neither living nor dead. That would make the oldest vampires nearly 2,000 years old.

One thing that is generally agreed in all vampire portrayals is how you become one: a vampire feeds you their blood, then kills you. At the next sunset, you arise as a member of their number. You can never walk in the sun again, but on the upside, you get to live forever. It's also generally agreed that the older vampires tend to be more powerful. Sometimes it's a matter of how or powerful a "sire" (or vampire creator) you have; if you're the child of a really old vampire, you'll be as powerful as any second-generation. Of course, no matter what your powers include - mind-reading, super-fast speed, a little light mind control or power of illusion -  if you live long enough, the advantages of compound interest can surely be yours to command!

It's time to tell us about your vampire deeds, and we'll figure out your vampire age!

Do you miss the Renaissance?
Oh, yes.
Not really, I barely saw it.
No.
I think being a vampire will be just like it though!
Was the Industrial Age a mistake?
Probably.
Definitely not.
I do not think so.
It might be.
Is there dirt on your clothing right now?
I don't care.
No.
Why would there be?
Oh goodness, yes!

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Do you remember the sun?
Nope.
Vaguely.
I think so.
Of course.
How strong are your powers?
Terrifyingly so.
Pretty strong.
Not bad.
I don't know yet.
Did you meet Dracula personally?
I MADE him.
I think it was him.
No.
That'd be so cool.

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How rich are you?
I don't worry about that.
Very.
Oligarch rich.
I'm broke.
Where do you sleep during the day?
In a castle.
In a mansion.
In a house.
In a coffin.
Have you ever made another vampire?
Many.
A few.
One.
Nope.

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Are you on speaking terms with your sire?
I do not have a sire, in the traditional sense.
No, I killed them and took their power.
Of course.
I don't know who they are.
Do you know the full extent of your powers?
Oh, yes.
I think so, but every so often I surprise myself.
I don't think so.
No.
What do you like to wear for a night on the town?
Jeans. I'm really done trying.
Frock coat and cravat.
A nice suit.
Velvet robes. If you're gonna do it, do it right.

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What's your favorite method to ensure you aren't hunted?
Being too powerful to worry.
Hiring scouts.
Bribery.
I hadn't thought about it!
Would you ever eat someone innocent?
I probably have.
Yes, they taste better.
I might have but I try not to.
Of course not.
Would you give up eating humans if it were possible?
No, they're like chickens to me.
If I felt like it.
Probably.
Yes.

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How patient are you?
Like a stone.
Like a monk.
Fairly.
Not at all.
How many languages do you speak?
More than 20.
More than 4.
Just 3.
Just 1.
How tech-savvy are you?
I have servants for that.
Not very.
I keep up.
I'm a modern person.

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Do you remember when women were property, instead of owning it themselves?
Yes, that's how things typically are.
Yes, it was bad.
No, it sounds awful.
Absolutely not.
Do you know how to ride a horse?
Of course.
Yes, but I haven't in ages.
I've tried, but I suck.
No, should I?
If you wanted to cross the ocean, how would you avoid the daylight?
Private plane.
Liner.
I wouldn't try.
No idea.

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How long is a long time?
Over 100 years.
Over 20 years.
Over a year.
Like, five minutes?
Do you fear your true nature being discovered by humans?
No, I just make them insane and nobody believes them.
Once in a while, but I'm pretty good at this now.
Yes.
I assume it will be, and they will love me and protect me.
Do you know how to speed-walk through a crowd without anyone noticing?
Yes, of course.
I do it when I need to.
I do, but sometimes I like to be seen.
I can do that?

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Can you walk on the ceiling?
Of course.
Once in a while.
No, should I?
I don't think so.
Do you find getting a new set of paperwork every generation or so to be confusing?
No, my people handle it.
It's confusing these days, yes.
No, I have a method.
I can barely open a new credit card.
How many nations have you lived in?
More than 40, including places that have been more than one nation!
More than 10.
More than 2.
Just one.

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What is the most surprising social change of your un-lifetime?
The end of slavery.
The pending end of male supremacy.
Birth control.
Socialism is becoming cool.
Are any of the humans you knew in your life still alive?
LOL, no.
No, but there may be a descendant I could trace.
A few oldies.
Most of them, yes.
How well do you remember who you were before?
Vaguely.
I have a diary if I want to refresh my memory.
I remember most of it.
I remember it all.

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You Got: