1. Climb a high hill and frantically wave your arms.
   Assess the situation.
2. Pray for a (relatively) painless death.

Don't panic, you'll only make things worse. Take a deep breath, assess the situation, and don't smear bacon grease on your body, because bears will find you and eat you alive.

1. Charge your iPad.
   Tell someone where you are going.
2. Waterproof your tent.

It's one of the most important -- and overlooked -- tenets of outdoors survival: tell someone where you are going. Otherwise, potential rescuers won't know where to find you.

1. Arm yourself.
   Scream at the top of your lungs to make them think you are three people instead of one.
2. Cover yourself in gopher blood to frighten them.

Don't have a gun? Sharpen a stick. Or carry a hefty rock. If you're in immediate danger from another creature, you need some sort of weapon for protection.

1. be defeatist
   have a positive attitude
2. Cry a little or a lot, it doesn't matter.

It sounds a little stupid, but simply buoying your own spirits with a can-do, positive attitude will literally skew the actual events that transpire. You might still get eaten by a mountain lion, but hey, at least you won't have to live through another episode of "The Bachelorette!"

1. eight hours
   three days
2. a week, give or take a day

If you're in dire straits, you need water. In decent weather, you can manage about three days without water. After that, try to remember if you signed your will before you headed out on this dumb, stupid, awful hike.

1. in a car
   in a dry river bed
2. in a cave

If you need short-term emergency lodgings, don't use an old river bed. In many areas, these bed are prone to flash flooding that can start with rain showers falling far from your immediate location.

1. Bang the phone (gently) on a rock a few times to improve the antenna's capabilities.
   Submerge your phone in water.
2. Climb a hill.

Rocks, trees, and other objects block cell phone signals. But if you can climb to the top of tall hill, you'll improve your odds of picking up a signal. If you're lucky enough to get a data signal, you can also hop online and shop for a new big-screen TV, because if you do survive this ordeal, you'll never go outside again.

1. true
2. false

Tourniquets are a measure of last resort to stop bleeding. Clean the wound and apply pressure first. If that doesn't work, well, you didn’t need that arm, anyway.

1. migrating killer salmon
   hyopthermia
2. cancer

Not surprisingly, hypothermia (when your body core temperature drops too low) is a major killer of people in cold weather. To prevent hypothermia, you have to stay dry.

1. killing small fish
   starting a fire
2. cleaning your filthy toenails

If you have any kind of magnifying lens on your person, such as binoculars or even a piece of broken glass, you can use the lens method to focus sunlight and start a fire. And if you can't start a fire, you can at least scald a few helpless insects.

1. Eat spiders and nothing but spiders. Their many eyes are extremely nutritious.
   Think small.
2. Go after big game for easy meals.

Big game takes a lot of time and energy. Think plants, small animals, and even bugs -- they can keep you alive for long stretches, if necessary.

1. add crushed dandelions
   boil it
2. urinate in it

Wilderness water is not always safe to drink. Boil it for a few minutes to kill pathogens that might otherwise kill you.

1. frantic sign language
   Morse code
2. smoke signal

Fires are good for warmth, cooking … and smoke signals. Billowing smoke will often attract the attention of forest officials and passersby.

1. play dead
   Visualize yourself as a slab of juicy bacon.
2. Deploy a grenade launcher.

Grizzy bears rarely attack, but if they do you can play dead. In many cases, the bears will leave you alone once they no longer perceive you as a threat. And never, ever watch "The Revenant" before any outdoors excursion in bear country.

1. Grab his paws and dance with him as a distraction.
   fight back
2. Hug him as a sign of peace.

"If it's brown, lay down. If it's black, fight back." Black bears often keep attacking until they're sure your dead -- fight back with rocks, sticks, your bare hands, whatever it takes.

1. Don’t sleep, the bears are watching.
   Lay on a frozen lake to deter predators.
2. Insulate yourself from the ground.

Cold ground will suck the life right out of you, so put boughs of branches or grasses under your body before you crash. Doing so will give you a better chance of survival. Until the wolves find you, of course.

1. Orion
   Little Dipper
2. the northern lights

The North Star has saved many a lost soul in human history, guiding them to safety at night. This famous star is part of the Little Dipper.

1. Turn and run as fast as you can.
   Face the animal and slowly back away.
2. Lay on the ground and whimper. Flick boogers at the animal to confuse it.

In very, very general terms, if you encounter a potentially aggressive wild animal, you should face the animal and slowly back away. Don't open and eat a Snickers bar during this process.

1. Tie a tourniquet above the bite to stop the venom from spreading.
   Clean the wound and go to a hospital.
2. Bite it back and devour it in revenge.

Don't panic. In many cases, rattlesnakes don't even inject venom. Clean the wound and calmly head to a medical facility as soon as possible. Only a very few people die from rattlesnake bites, and in those cases, those people generally refuse medical treatment.

1. Open your Bible and begin reading.
   Find or build shelter.
2. Call for pizza.

You need shelter for the night. You can hunker down in a cave, or construct a simple lean-to using tree limbs and boughs.

1. Complain to the National Forest Service about unsafe conditions.
   Jam it back into the socket.
2. Scream in pain. Quite a lot.

It sounds a bit gruesome, but you really can pop your dislocated knee back into place. Straighten your leg as far as possible to (hopefully) snap it back into the proper position. But let's be honest, you're not really going to do this and you'll probably die.

1. screwdriver
   knife
2. fishing hook

A knife is primal. A knife is your best friend. Knives are useful for hunting, defense, and countless tasks that are otherwise much more difficult. Always carry a knife in the wilderness. Butter knives work best.

1. Put a clear plastic bag over a leafy plant.
   Put a clear plastic bag over a pile of rocks.
2. Put a clear plastic bag over your head.

Plants emit water vapor throughout the day. Place a clear plastic bag over a leafy plant and firmly close tie it off. Hours later, you'll see drops of water that might save your life.

1. just one
   two
2. at least six, because you'll break five

In North America, the sun is always to the south … so to signal a rescue plane in the north, you need a second mirror to redirect the sun's rays. Plus, you'll be able to double-check your makeup before that cute forest ranger shows up.

1. stagnant water
   flowing water
2. water from an old mining facility

Even if you can boil it, sometimes stagnant water is not really all that healthy. Choose flowing water if you can.

1. a pack of angry wolves
   water
2. a McDonald's

Mosquitoes and flies are really annoying. The good news is that they don't stray far from water, meaning you'll probably have as least some sort of moisture close to your site.

1. starting a fire
   halting bleeding
2. creating a shelter

Alcohol-based hand sanitizer is a great fire starter. Put it on dry kindling to jump start your fire -- just remember that foam or non-alcohol sanitizers don’t work for this purpose.

1. magnets
   whistle
2. paper airplane

Emergency whistles have been a staple of survival kits for generations. Three blasts in a row mean you need help. Zero blasts means you're dead.

1. true
2. false

Just because 50 degrees feels comfortable doesn't mean hypothermia can't strike. Throw in a bit of rain and some wind and your body core temperature can drop in a hurry.

1. capture a cute bear cub
   build a shelter
2. parachute from a cliff to safety

Those 99-cent rain ponchos are a godsend in a survival situation. You can use them to make a small shelter, capture rainwater, and for many other creative purposes, too.