Dating Etiquette

Traditionally, the man pays for a date, although if two men or two women are on a date, this tradition helps no one. Instead, accept that it's a bit of an awkward discussion and just mention it during the planning phase. It's OK to say you'll cover it or you want to split the cost.

Lobster and foie gras may be the tastiest thing you ever ate, and it may be the house specialty, but on a first date it's not the best choice, simply as a price point. It's probably better to be modest on that first date in terms of what you order, even if you're the one paying. Otherwise, it could look like you're showing off.

Regardless of the plans you made for the date, whether you're paying, they're paying, or you're splitting the bill, make sure you have money to cover it and any incidental expenses. You never know what might happen, and you don't want to get left high and dry.

"Fashionably late" is a terrible term that means nothing, really. Don't be late for a date. If anything, show up a couple of minutes early. Obviously, emergencies happen, but if you can't be there on time, you need to tell the other person, with as much notice as possible.

You're not going to leave your phone at home on a date — no one expects that. But you don't need to be on the thing, either. Wherever you keep it, you should have it turned off for the duration. Nothing tells someone you have no interest in them like ignoring them in favor of your phone.

First dates are weird, and we all know it. You're engaging in this ritual that's meant to be a precursor (maybe) to romance, but with strange rules. Since you both know it's weird, you can be forthright about it and mention it to relieve that tension.

Discussing your past relationships is bound to come up someday, but maybe the first date is the wrong time to do it. It's such a heavy topic, often a bitter topic, and has too much baggage attached for what should be a fun first encounter.

Are you looking for something fun and casual? Are you down for a long term romance? Do you just want someone to hang out and watch Netflix with, with no chilling? Whatever your dating goals are, it's best to lay them out in the beginning so everyone is on the same page.

You don't want to lie about anything on a first date, even if it's a little embarrassing. If you're going through a rough time, if you're sleeping on a friend's couch — whatever it is — you should just lay it all out at the beginning. It's not really fair to the other person to hold back important stuff like that.

Eye contact is important in establishing any good relationship. It's hard to do for some people, and that's OK; no one's saying you need to eyeball the other person the entire date. But when you're talking, make sure you hold that gaze sometimes to show you're engaged and interested.

It's hard not to judge someone right away if they go off on a tangent that either bores you to tears or is something you disagree with. Try to give someone the benefit of the doubt and redirect the conversation to see if there's still some chance that you might click.

You can't get to know someone without asking questions. You could let someone just talk non-stop, but that doesn't engage you in any way. Ask questions frequently to get to know who they are and what they're all about. That's the best way to determine whether you're going to click or not.

If you usually swear like a dockworker, that's fine for you, but you're making a first impression here! Keep the swearing to yourself on a first date, just as a matter of politeness and decorum. If you develop a rapport, maybe it'll be appropriate down the road.

If you like a drink now and then, there's no reason not to have one on a date, but you need to keep it within reason. Getting drunk on a date is not just inconsiderate — it could be dangerous for you. Know your limits!

Obviously you'll have exceptions to this rule, but in general, you need as much time in advance of a date as possible if you're serious about it. Give the other person time to prepare, and make sure they're free and available. It's just considerate.

The fact is, sometimes people are legit busy next Friday night, so when you propose a date they really can't go. They also don't need to explain why if they don't want to. If the person says they can't make it, suggest an alternate time. It's what you'd do with any appointment you can't make, right?

If you suggest going out Friday night and they say no, try suggesting Saturday. If they say no to that and still haven't offered an alternative, they're likely letting you know they're just not interested. No need to keep pressuring; just say "OK" and move on. It gets weird and potentially creepy if you keep at it, and that's not the impression anyone wants to give.

Always have a plan B. Sure, you want to go to dinner at the cool Mexican place that just opened, but what if they gave your reservation away? What if the power went out? What if they got shut down by the health department? Always have a plan in mind in case your date idea doesn't work out, even if it's literally the restaurant across the street.

It's best to assume nothing before a date. Back in the day, it was a given that the man would pay, but we've come a long way since then. You can't take anything for granted if you didn't discuss it beforehand, and that even includes the weather holding out or the food at an untested restaurant being divine.

You want to be on time, of course, but if you can't make it at all, then let the other person know ASAP. We all have things happening in our lives, and if it's something worth your time, they'll understand. Reschedule for later!

A date isn't a job interview or a funeral — it's a date. If you're going to a fancy restaurant, dress up a little. If it's more casual, dress down a bit. Wherever you're going, that's what you want to dress for.

If you were super into each other, you might plan a second date while you're still on the first date, but, for the most part, you should look at about a three-day window for planning a second. Too super soon might put pressure on the other person, and too much time makes it seem like you don't care. Use that one- to three-day window.

This is a vague answer, but "maybe" is what you get. It's not impolite to open a door, so try. If the person you're dating doesn't want you to, they should say so. Traditionally the man opens the door for a woman, but times have changed, and, again, if two men or two women are dating, then that tradition is clearly meaningless.

A sincere compliment is always a good way to start your date. It doesn't have to be super poetic and Shakespearean in nature, just something you really believe and something that will show your date you're paying attention.

There's a lot of history behind the idea of kissing on a first date. Some people never do it, and that's OK. Some people will do it, and that's also OK. Which is right? Both. You should kiss someone when it feels right to both of you, and that doesn't need to have a time limit.

Flowers are a bit of an old-school romantic gesture, but if you really want to know the best kind, then you should ask your date what their favorite flowers are. You could guess and maybe get lucky, or you could get something they hate or are allergic to.

If you're a touchy-feely kind of person, you may want to curb that instinct on a first date. Touching someone you don't know well is never a good idea because it makes them uncomfortable, and it's an invasion of personal space. Even if you think it's just a friendly gesture, you need much more rapport with someone to get to that place than a first date.

You want to base your date around what's fun and interesting to both of you. Planning the date yourself means you'll have what you want but maybe they won't, so don't pick your favorite bar or restaurant and just hope your date digs it.

Rejection is a part of life. You'll get rejected from jobs, from loan applications, from all kinds of things. If someone doesn't want to date you, try not to take it personally. Not everyone in the world is your type, right? So you can't be everyone else's type either. Just leave it and move on — it'll make you happier.

The point of dating is to meet someone you feel a connection with. If that means you need to date eight different people in a month, why not? No one says you have to be sleeping with these people or anything else; you're just trying to get to know them. Don't settle for someone you don't like.

You really need a current pic on your online dating profiles — it's the most accurate one you have. The person you're dating is going to meet you eventually, so don't lead them astray. Pretty much everyone has tried using a 10-year-old pic in which they look hotter and thinner, but it doesn't do you any favors.

Honesty is the best policy when it comes to rejection. You won't help the other person or yourself if you don't play it straight. Tell them you're not interested, and make it a clean break. Don't feel bad about rejecting someone; it would be worse to string them along or force yourself into a position that makes you uncomfortable.

People like self-deprecating humor, and it can be funny, but try to avoid that during the first couple of dates. If you talk badly about yourself, even in a joking way, you set a tone for how you feel about yourself and what you might be willing to let others say about you.

People used to worry about when to call someone, but odds are you're texting the person you want to date to work out the details. You don't want to blow their phone up, but you don't want to be a ghost, either. Everyone has their phone on them pretty much all the time, so a few texts here and there are fine. Less is more, in general, if you're just working out details.

There can't be a rule that dictates feelings. You can't know who has to make the first move or when — that wouldn't make sense. When you feel that the situation is right, when you feel a mutual attraction, that's when you make a move. And, hopefully, they reciprocate.