Do You Have What It Takes to Survive Eton?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
7 min
1 - Prime Minister Do you intend to be Prime Minister?
Well, one must carry on the family tradition.
I'd rather win the Nobel Prize, thanks.
No, I'm after a BAFTA!
No, that's a job for Jeremy Corbyn!

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2 - obscene wealth How comfortable are you around obscene wealth?
Completely comfortable. Isn't that the point?
Not entirely comfortable, if I'm honest.
Comfortable, provided I can reasonably keep up.
It disgusts me.

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4 - study for a year Would you be willing to study for a year to nail the scholarship exam?
Only if my family arranged some sort of reward for me, outside of the reward of the scholarship, of course.
Yes, in a heartbeat.
No! What's the point of being able to buy your way in if you don't?
No, it would get in the way of my weekly protesting outside the offices of a major corporation I hate.

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5 - world-class education Do you truly believe, deep down, that you are entitled to a world-class education and facilities?
Of course I am.
I'm ambivalent about that. There might be better students who deserve it more than I do.
Of course. I can't be expected to row with anything less than the best equipment!
No. Everyone should have the same quality of facilities and education. It's only fair.

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6 - use power If you were ever given power over someone else, even only in a small way, what did you do with it?
I'll admit, I may have hazed them a little, but that was all.
I didn't use it at all.
I probably scarred them for life.
I definitely scarred them for life.

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7 - Eton collar Can you tie an Eton collar?
Of course. The salesmen at Favourbrook showed me how.
Yes, but I feel a bit like I'm in fancy dress when I wear it.
It wasn't easy for me to learn, but with enough yelling from my parents, I made myself learn.
No

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8 - surnames How many surnames do you have?
Five, but I only use my title.
Just one for me!
Two, double-barreled of course
How is it possible to have more than one?

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9 - sports university Do you play any sports at a potentially near-university level?
Not quite, but I can make a good showing.
Not in the least
Yes! I am naturally gifted and a god on the playing field.
No, sports are the outlet of brutes without the least understanding of Weber or Marx.

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10 - chapel How amenable are you to the idea of going to chapel very often?
I'll go often if I'm told.
It's strange to me. I'm not comfortable in a religious setting.
Yeah, whatever. I'll just goof off in the back like I always do.
I feel religion is inherently evil and I'll have nothing to do with it!

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11 - teacher classroom A “beak” (teacher) is reading the “weekly ranking” but he pronounces the letter R as a W sound. Can you keep your laughter below acceptable levels?
Yes. Barely. Hm! Ahem. Sorry.
I will find that very difficult.
Of couwse not! Ha!
You monsters! That poor man has a speech impediment!

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12 - school shower You are in the shower when you hear a trio of boys plotting to rush your shower and steal your towel. How quickly can you get dry and get out of there in order to thwart their plot?
Two seconds to dry my body, one to get out.
I'll need to stay wet to lubricate my escape, and then dry at my leisure.
I'll dry, and then make them wish they'd plotted outside where I couldn't hear them.
What?! Who are these barbarians? They let them into Eton?!

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13 - body build What bodily build do you have?
Prefect
Nerd, i.e. King’s Scholar
Rugger b*****
Average

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14 - reform or revolution We can all agree the system needs to change, but do you lean toward reform or revolution?
Definitely reform. The old system had a few good points we wouldn't want to throw out. Otherwise, why bother changing the school at all? Why not just tear it all down?
I don't know, honestly.
Don't change a thing. It's perfect.
Revolution! Build barricades! Erect a guillotine! Liberté! Egalité! Fraternité!

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15 - study Latin Is it a waste of time, in your view, to study Latin?
I think it's useful to learn, more for the discipline developed in learning it.
It's a bit useless, and there are other rigorous things one could learn just to develop learning skills.
Manifesto non oportet Latinam discere, quia habemus ad Penitus.
Yes, a complete waste of time. We should all learn English and make everyone else speak it like in the good old days.

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16 - college class Which optional extra class would you take?
Mandarin
Coding
Cooking
Chess

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17 - regatta Fourth of June If someone says, “This year the Fourth of June is on the 28th of May,” what does this mean?
The Fourth of June is on the 28th of May, obviously.
That ridiculous regatta thing is in May.
It’s meaningless.
They are insane.

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18 - Wall Game Eton Would you participate in the Wall Game?
Of course!
Oh, I don't want to get hurt.
Yes, because I'm going to win!
No, because it's dumb!

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19 - rowing Can you row in time to a cox’s beat?
Well enough to avoid embarrassment.
I don't know. I've never tried!
Yes, perfectly, like we are one.
A what's beat?

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20 - Judy's passage What is Judy’s Passage?
A shortcut through the school
A part of Judy’s anatomy
A movie I’m not allowed to talk about
I don’t know.

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21 - cricket Do you care who wins the annual Lord’s match that Eton plays against longstanding rivals Harrow at Lord’s Cricket Ground in London?
Yes! Harrow must be humiliated and driven from the field in shame!
I would like Eton to win, obviously, but really the victory should go to the finest team.
Of course! Harrow must not merely be defeated, but defeated memorably.
No. Cricket is pointless and stupid.

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22 - female teacher A female teacher walks in. How do you address her?
Ma’am
Dr, Miss or Mrs. Lastname
Her first name
"Hey you!"

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23 - Mesopotamia Eton Would you like to visit Mesopotamia?
Yes, it is the best playing field.
Actually, it’s called Iraq now.
Not really
Where?

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24 - Colleger or an Oppidan Which is better to be, a Colleger or an Oppidan?
Oppidan, because Collegers are poor.
Colleger, because at least then you’re a scholar and you know you’re there for your brain.
Either is great.
Neither

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25 - Prefects at Eton election Prefects at Eton are elected, a process known as being “in Pop.” Do you think you could win this election?
Yes. I have the looks, the personality, and the charisma to do it.
No, I don't even know how someone would be a prefect.
Yeah, why not?
No, such elections are merely popularity contests between elite jerks, cast in the guise of a true democracy.

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26  - Eton education What is the best benefit you get if you go to Eton?
World-class education
Towering self-esteem, whether deserved or not
Old Boy network
I hear the food is good.

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27 - relatives Eton How many of your relatives went to Eton?
All of the male ones, and the women went to Wycombe Abbey.
None, but some did go to grammar or other selective schools.
All of them, but the women didn’t go anywhere prestigious.
None, and nor would they.

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28 - Eton school calendar How many “halves” are in an Eton school calendar?
Three, obviously
I assume two?
Probably at least five, they can afford a lot.
Is this a trick question?

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29 - great piece of work You do a particularly great piece of work. What do you hope happens?
I hope I’m Sent up For Good.
I hope I get an A, of course.
I would never do something that boring.
I hope I do well in the exam.

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3 - CCF (Combined Cadet Force) Would you be a candidate for CCF (Combined Cadet Force), which is effectively Eton’s fast track into Sandhurst or other military training?
I suppose I could be if I wanted to, but you know, I plan to be on Oxford's Ultimate Frisbee team and that would rather get in the way of things.
I would seriously consider that.
Mummy always said I was "made for the powder."
No! I'm a pacifist!

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30 - school paper What would you do at the Chronicle, Eton’s in-house school paper?
Edit it, obviously, to prepare me for editing The Times later.
I’d be one of the reporters and do a hard-hitting expose on school corruption.
Collect a copy any time they reported on my sporting wins.
Ignore it.

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