Go on a Hunting Trip and We’ll Give You a Military Nickname

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
7 min
Go on a Hunting Trip and We’ll Give You a Military Nickname
Image: EXTREME-PHOTOGRAPHER / E+ / Getty Images

About This Quiz

It must have been a strange day in prehistory for humans when other humans mounted their first hunting trip. How long do you think it was until those early people came up with a word for war? Though war has changed over the centuries, much of how it is done at the very macro level remains unchanged. Strategy is more or less the same.

Sun Tzu, Julius Caesar, Miyamoto Musashi, Niccolo Machiavelli, Yagyu Munenori and Norman Schwarzkopf all used essentially the same ideas, just with different weapons. Similarly, military culture has remained very similar to its ancient roots. Soldiers' virtues are more or less the same: obedience, discipline, skill and toughness, but the language has changed. These days, calling someone Kilroy doesn't mean the same thing it did in World War II, and cultural references today would make no sense to people from a thousand years ago. As a result, names changed and nicknames change. According to legend, Musashi was not Musashi's name at birth. Perhaps the same was true for Sun Tzu. So how does one earn a military nickname?

We have come up with a way to give you one without the hassle of enlisting at a time of war. We will simulate a hunting trip for you, and you will act as you would, choose-your-own-adventure style. From this, we'll come up with your nom de guerre. Ready to try? Take the quiz!

Who do you invite on this trip?
My oldest, best friend
That crazy guy from work
My grandfather
My cousin from the city

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What kind of dog do you bring on this trip?
A Labrador, of course
A Norwegian Elkhound
My Chihuahua, of course! I love that little guy.
My cousin's Spaniel

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When do you want to go hunting?
Septemebr 27 to October 19
Mid-January to mid-April
October 1 to October 14
Late October to mid-February

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You're offered a muzzle loader. Which one would you want?
I wouldn't want one.
Caplock
Inline
Flintlock

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Your buddy offers you a bow. He'll even carry it for you! Which kind would you like?
Recurve
Compound
Crossbow
Traditional

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What kind of 308 rifle would you like to shoulder for this trip?
Remington 700 SPS Tactical
Kel-Tec RFB Forward Ejection Bullpup
Browning X-Bolt Stainless Stalker
Winchester M70

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You need to ATV it out to the cabin. Which ATV will you ride?
Suzuki KingQuad 750AXi
Arctic Cat Diesel 700 Super Duty
Honda FourTrax Rincon
Polaris Sportsman 570 SP

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What will you have for dinner at the cabin, the night before the hunt?
Franks and beans. The jokes write themselves.
A protein shake. I need to be on my best for to kill the enemy—I mean, the turkeys.
Steak! This is all for fun!
Soup. I need to starve myself for meat so my killer instincts take over.

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What do you sleep in, the night before going out to hunt?
BDUs and a sleeping bag
A fur
A space blanket
A bed with a wool blanket

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How early do you get up the day of the hunt?
3:00 a.m., to get ready for an early start
4:00 a.m., since I'm already dressed
9:00 a.m. After all, this is a vacation!
5:00 a.m., since I've got my gear ready to go

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What do you have for breakfast?
Something without a strong smell, so I don't smell more than I already do.
Toast and butter
Kids cereal
Uncooked cured bacon

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It's snowed a lot overnight and you have to go a long way. How do you want to get to your spot?
I'll take a snowmobile!
I'll use the ATV I came with.
I'll skateboard there!
I'll walk.

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There's a sound! Where do you want to be when a furious bear comes within range?
In a perch, up a tree, where it can't reach me!
I want to hide, so I can pounce on it with my knives!
I want to stand directly in front of it and make myself look big so it won't attack me, of course!
I want to stand in front of it so I can throw down with my bare hands!

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While trudging through a muddy river, your gun gets pretty filthy. What do you do?
Use my portable kit to clean it when I get a chance and kick myself for messing up
Sling it and draw my machete
Nothing! It'll be fine!
Clean the chamber and barrel, that's all, then slip a rubber over the barrel to keep it clean

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You're worried about being sensed by game. What should you do?
Determine which way the wind is blowing, just like in politics
Cover myself with the dung of my enemy—I mean, my prey
Stand in water! Then nothing can smell me
Drink the blood of my first kill and take on its aspect

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You're dressing your first kill, and it gets pretty messy. How do you clean up after?
Soap and water
Lick my hands clean
A whole box of wet-naps
Go for a swim

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One of your buddies gets bitten by a snake! What do you do?
Seriously? A snake? This time of year? Who is that unlucky?!
Give him some antivenom, if we have it. Otherwise, cut his leg off
Suck out the poison, then swallow it to make myself immune!
Cauterize the wound, tie off the limb and race back to civilization

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Your snake-bitten friend rolls over in pain, sticking a hand in a bear trap! What do you do?
Tell him it can only get better from here
Pry that baby open with a stick, or failing that, an unloaded gun
Carry my friend and the bear trap to civilization
Cut the arm off. I mean, if a bear can't open the trap, how can I?

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It turns out all your hunting buddies were just pulling a prank on you. How do you react?
Plan a terrible prank for them
I'm going to throw all their kills in the river when this is over.
I'm so relieved! Wait, did I try to suck out the poison?
I don't.

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You've got to hike over a mountain, but you might run into game. What do you plan so you don't miss out on an opportunity?
Keep my gun loaded and carry it with my hands, but leave the safety on and the chamber empty
Take turns on point and have the point man keep a loaded gun ready to go
Don't bother. It's not worth the risk of an accident.
Keep my pistol ready to go, in the holster

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It's time for a drink before the next drive. What kind of beer will you have?
PBR
Schlitz
Chimay Blue
Bud

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How many beers will you drink before picking up your gun again?
I can have two, as long as I also eat something small.
Just one. I need to keep sharp.
Five. I love beer!
I'll have none. I must be able to trust my instincts.

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Your second drive is a disappointment. How do you handle it?
Well, at least no one ended up snake bit in a bear trap!
I stew in my rage and focus for the next chance.
I tell everyone "Good hustle!"
I just move on.

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The weather gets bad. What's the plan?
Buck up, chums! There's a nice sherry waiting for us at the end of the day.
Good ... that means the enemy—I mean, the prey—will be soaking and slowed down.
Let's go home and watch some TV!
This will help cover my scent. This is good.

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Your pal's gun malfunctions. What do you do?
Keep the muzzle pointed downrange or up, but not where there are people
Check the primer
Look down the barrel to check for obstructions
Put the gun down and rely on tooth and nail

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By the end of the day, you've got a nice haul. How do you celebrate?
Get drunk and have a dance with a dead white-tailed deer!
Gloat at the animals
Go vegan
Gather samples of some animal parts to make a scent cover for next time

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That night, it turns out one of the deer isn't dead, but it's in the cabin with you. What do you do?
Hit it! Hit it with something!
Hold it down and beat it
Lock it in and let it die overnight
Cut its throat with a knife

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What do you do with your kills when all is said and done?
Bring it to a taxidermist, but have them make a funny taxidermy, like a deer smoking a pipe, that actually has smoke come out of it.
Give it to a butcher and move on
Release it all back into the wild! I can still do that, right?
Take it home and eat it, obviously

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Do you respond to that prank your friends pulled on you?
Sure. I'll put one of their kills in their car's engine bay, rather than their trunk or cargo area.
Not today ... No ... Not this time ...
No! That would be a terrible thing to do!
I'll tie a bad knot on one of their kills when we fix them to their ride, so it falls off on the way home.

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How soon before you go hunting again?
A couple weeks. I mean, I can't take every weekend off!
That's all for this year. I can't let them know I'm going to prank them. Let them forget ...
Tomorrow! I might even go back all alone.
At least once more before the season is over

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