How British Are You?

By: Zoe Samuel

How British Are You?
Image: LeoPatrizi / E+ / Getty Images

About This Quiz

Being British is not, contrary to what Richard Curtis and other movies would have you believe, a matter of living in a perfect chocolate box village while stripping for charity calendars, to save shoe factories, or to regain custody of one's son. It is also not, per Simon Pegg, a constant alien or zombie invasion requiring a super-cop buddy duo to put a halt to it. These days, being British is a far more nuanced thing.

Brexit notwithstanding, modern Britain is a forward-looking and diverse place that celebrates progressive values. The Conservative party is largely seen there as the "nasty," heartless, far-right party despite adhering to a set of policies that would, in the USA, place it squarely in the Democrats. Questions such as marriage equality, universal healthcare, climate action, and women's right to choose are considered uncontroversial and barely worth discussing; indeed, they are simply settled, such that it is a matter of how to do them instead of whether.

This modern mindset exists alongside a strong love for tradition, the Queen, cups of tea, and of course, Britain's national dish - which is actually chicken tikka masala, the most-ordered dish in the UK. Assuming it isn't all destroyed by Brexit - which, according to the political class in the UK, is currently not a safe bet - a lovely blend of past and future, that means a person can value where they came from while still being open to the new. Would you fit in? Let's find out!

Are you sorry?
Of course
I suppose.
Not really
Screw you, I didn't do anything.

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How are you?
How are you?
Can't complain.
I'm OK, thanks. You?
My plantar fasciitis is acting up, my boss is incompetent, and my mother is off her meds again.

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What do you think of this weather we've been having?
Jolly good, I thought, what do you think?
Not bad, not bad.
Eh, it's OK.
I hadn't really noticed it.

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Would you like a cup of tea?
That sounds lovely, thank you!
Go on then.
Sure, why not.
I'm really more of a coffee person.

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You've trodden on our foot. What do you say to that?
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!
Sorry about that.
Oops.
Move your fat foot, doofus.

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It's raining. What shall we do now?
Whatever we were going to do anyway
Put on more clothing then carry on
Wait to see if it stops.
Cancel everything, the day is ruined.

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What's for dinner?
Chicken tikka masala
Fish and chips
Pasta
Burger

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You need to emphasize the end of a sentence. What do you use?
Gosh!
Innit!
Eh!
Yeah!

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Would you like another cup of tea?
Yes, please!
I suppose I might as well.
I'll take one but I might not finish it.
No, I actually hate tea.

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Something is very nice. How do you convey this?
That was perfectly adequate.
That was all right.
That was great.
That was very nice!

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You have accidentally exposed your nude flesh to the world. What do you do?
Die, probably
Leave the country
Cover it up again
Laugh it off

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You go to your friend's house and you see medication left out on the counter. What do you do?
Comment on the weather
Ignore it
Ask what it is for
Pick it up and Google it then talk about all my friends who have ever taken something similar

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You have arrived at 7.29 but the invitation said 7.30. What do you do?
Leave in shame
Go round the block for ten minutes
Check texts for a minute
Ring the bell

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How much money do you make?
Do you know, I don't even know, actually.
Gosh, I don't know, I suppose I do OK.
I'd rather not say.
About , why?

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What do you drive?
My grandfather's third-hand Landrover
My dad's secondhand Reliant Robin
I take the bus.
A Chevy truck

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The sun has come out unexpectedly. What is going to happen to you?
I am going to die. It burns! AAAAAAARRRGH.
Irrespective of my natural complexion, I am going to turn lobster pink.
I will tan.
I will feel slightly warmer.

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Any more tea?
Yes, please!
I really shouldn't, but I will.
No, thanks.
No, it was bad enough the first time.

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Would you care to join us for cricket?
I say, what fun!
OK, but I'm crap at it.
I guess.
What is this mutant baseball game?

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In making a proper Sunday roast, what is the essential side dish?
Yorkshire pud
Roasties
Gravy
Something involving tofu or salad

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Now you've finished all the tea, would you like a biscuit with that?
Oooh, yes please.
I really shouldn't, but I will.
Maybe just half
No, I am on a diet.

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You are in a room that is Arctically cold, but it's not in your house. What do you do?
Put on another sweater
Say, "It might be a smidge chilly in here."
Complain, but do nothing
Turn on the heating

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You meet a dog. What are the first words you say to the dog?
Look at your fuzzy face! I love you! I will always be your friend.
OMG, you are the cutest.
Hello, dog.
Hey, buddy! What's up!

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You meet a cat. What do you say?
Does anyone know if this cat is safe to say hello to?
Hello, cat.
Hi, cutie!
Look at the little kitty-witty-ditty!

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Would you like to wash down that biscuit with a lovely pint?
Yes, please!
Go on then
No thanks
I don't drink.

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What is the most frightening thing happening in the world today?
Brexit
Resurgent Russia
Climate change
Alien robots

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If you had a gun, where would you keep it?
In a locked cabinet in a locked room
I would probably never have a gun.
I am afraid of guns.
Under my pillow

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Have you ever met a duke?
I am a duke.
I shoot with a duke.
Once, yes
What is a duke?

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Which is the best one, out of these book series?
"Lord of the Rings"
"Harry Potter"
"Game of Thrones"
"Twilight"

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You can't understand someone who is giving you directions to avoid falling into a fiery pit from which no one can escape. How many times do you ask them to repeat themselves?
Just one
Up to three
As many as it takes
None, I give up on the first go and figure it out.

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Would you mind?
Not at all!
Oh, gosh, I suppose not.
Yes, actually.
What do you mean by this?

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You Got:

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