How Good Are You at Bargaining With Car Salesmen?

Mark Lichtenstein

Image: SHutterstock

About This Quiz

Do you think you have what it takes to negotiate with the master negotiators of the automotive industry? Car salesmen are beings sought after throughout the universe for their ability to bend the truth, obfuscate the fine print, and just generally rip people off. Seldom are humans capable of standing in their way.

Few things are as dreaded by intelligent life forms as bargaining with a car salesman. Wading through hydrochloric acid swamps filled with armored piranhas, climbing the electrified razor blade peaks of mountains made of ennui, and even drinking a pint one thousand proof vodka pale in comparison to the challenge of going toe to toe with the most duplicitous lizard men in the universe.

Car salesmen come out of their clone tube equipped with just enough gray matter to understand the minutiae of contracts, how to tempt buyers by putting an unattainable vehicle on a plinth outside the dealership, and how to tell exquisite half-truths that pass through the cerebral cortexes of higher life forms without scrutiny. These beings weren't bred for a normal life, but rather one entirely devoted to extracting more money than is reasonable for transport mechanisms that last 10 to 15 years.

Do you think you could outwit, out-bargain, and outmaneuver a car salesman?

How much of your day job is about dealing with people?

All of it

None
A few minutes a day

A couple hours a day

How manipulative are you?

I'm the puppetmaster.

Not even a little
A bit, if I have help.

Somewhat

How much of your day job requires intimate, detail oriented knowledge?

All of it

None of it
A tiny bit

The majority of it

How much do you really need a car?

I don't need one at all.

I need one to live.
I really need one.

I'd like one, but I can live without it.

Would you characterize any of your relationships as co-dependent?

No, not even one

Every relationship I've been in has been co-dependent.
I have been in a few.

I was in one, long ago.

How hard do you find it to establish boundaries?

Not hard at all

I find it very difficult.
It's a bit intimidating.

I'm usually fine with it.

How argumentative are you?

I can tear it up with anyone.

Not at all. I go with the flow.
I only argue with people in my family.

I have a long fuse, but when I go, I really go.

How do you dress?

I wear a suit.

I dress in yoga pants and a workout shirt.
I wear old, comfy, casual clothing.

I wear jeans and a blazer.

Have you ever purchased a car before?

Yes, several

No, never
I have, once. I was ripped off.

I have, and I killed.

How needy are you?

Not at all

I'm the neediest person who ever needed.
I sometimes get needy, when I'm in certain moods.

I'm rarely needy.

Have you ever negotiated with a real estate agent?

Yes, several times

No, never
I did, with my parents there.

I did, with a friend there to help out.

Have you ever dealt with a problem with an airline?

Yes, and I won because I know how the system works.

No, I didn't even know you could do that.
Once, and it sort of worked out.

Once. I got some free miles.

Do you bargain hunt for groceries?

Of course! This is the 21st century. It's easy.

No, that's a waste of time
Sometimes, if there's a sale that falls into my lap.

For the expensive things, yes.

Have you ever been in a physical fight?

I'm an MMA enthusiast.

No, never
I was in a couple as a kid.

I've been in a few scrapes.

How much does your appearance reflect traditional signs of power?

I exude power and authority.

I look like someone who can be pushed around.
I look normal, I guess.

I look like someone with a good job, but not an office job.

Do people ever turn to you for advice?

Frequently

Never
Rarely

Sometimes

Are you willing to walk away if you don't get the deal you want?

Of course

No! I must have the precious!
I might need someone to pull me away.

Probably

How fixated are you on one particular car?

I'm not. I know that's a bad idea.

But I've been dreaming of this car my whole life!
I might be willing to consider a better deal if one is pointed out to me.

I don't want to vary my choices too much, but I'll consider my options.

Would you be willing to go with a less respected brand for a better deal?

Of course

No way! I want the badge!
Maybe, but how can I know?

Yeah, I guess.

What famous deal-maker do you respect the most?

William Conway, Jr.

Donald J. Trump
Mark Cuban

Henry Kravis

How much of an act do you plan to put on when negotiating for your new car?

I'll be freakin' Olivier.

None! I'm going to be real.
I'll need a scene partner.

If I have a script, I can put on a good act.

How aware are you of traditional hard-sell techniques?

I know them all.

I don't even know what that means!
I know a thing or two, but not them all.

I know most of them.

Have you ever worked in retail?

I still work in retail.

No, that's not something I know anything about.
I did, when I was in high school.

I worked my way through my 20s in retail.

Do you know the incentive structure of a car dealership?

Yes, I know everything about how it works.

No, I know nothing about that.
I know a little bit about that.

I know a lot, but I'll need a cheat sheet.

Are you willing to buy a used car, if you don't get the deal you want on a new one?

Of course

No way! I want what I want!
Maybe, but I might need some encouragement.

Probably

How much are you willing to stand up for yourself, even if it's awkward?

I'm not afraid of doing that anytime, anywhere.

Oh gosh, I wouldn't want to be awkward.
I might need a gimmick.

It depends on how awkward.

Do you know all of the "cons" of the car you really want?

Yes, every single flaw, like an actor without their makeup.

No! It's perfect for me! I love it!
I can't remember them all without a piece of paper.

I think I know most of them.

Do you know how to pull a bait and switch on a salesman?

Absolutely

No, what's that?
I might need some help with that.

I would have to script it out and rehearse.

Do you have good credit?

My credit is flawless.

Heavens, no!
It's okay.

It's not bad.

How diligent are you at reading fine print?

I always read it.

Fine print? That's for lawyers, not me.
I'm okay at it.

I'm pretty good at it when I'm not rushed.

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