How High Would You Rank in the Mafia?

By: Zoe Samuel

How High Would You Rank in the Mafia?
Image: peepo / E+ / Getty Images

About This Quiz

There was a time when - as long as you were an able-bodied white man - you could leave high school with no degree, walk into a job that could support a family of four on a single income, and stay there for the next 40 years bringing home the bacon on a regular basis. You'd retire with enough to live on and a gold watch in hand. Those days were, of course, a historical aberration. The offer they made wasn't available to most people at the time, and now, it's hardly available to anyone at all. What is a hard working enterprising soul to do in a time of economic uncertainty, when switching careers every ten years seems like the norm?

Fortunately for those in the right kinds of families, the answer is written for them. They go into the family's very legitimate and not at all shady business. A little drug running here, some corrupt public contracts there, a dash of "protection" money, skim off a portion to keep the police, mayor, and courts happy and looking the other way, and you have a nice little earner on your hands. How far could you go in such an enterprise? It's time to find out!

How ambitious are you?
100%
Fairly
Not very
Very, but I never tell anyone.

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Are you a woman?
Probably not
I might be.
No
Yes

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Are you great at fighting hand to hand?
I'm not horrible at it.
I am horrible at it.
Marvelous, actually
Better than you'd think.

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Do you do your own dirty work?
Not recently, but I can.
No
Yes, always
Yes but never face-to-face

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Will you die at this job?
Doubtful - I will retire one day.
I hope not.
Probably, yeah
Definitely not

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How readily do you risk jail?
Not too readily but I'll go if I must.
Not at all - I'd cut a deal to avoid it.
I've already been.
Barely at all

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Do you come from a mob family?
Yes, a founding one
I'm a cousin to one.
No
Yes, an old one.

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How good are you with numbers?
Very good
The best
Terrible
Better than I let on

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Do you like to be the power behind the throne?
No, I want to be on the throne.
I prefer that, yes.
Nah, I don't want to be near the throne.
I love it!

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How important is respectability?
Fairly
Very
Not at all
It's everything.

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Are you good at the legit side of the "legitimate business"?
Pretty decent
Excellent
Probably not - I've never even tried.
It's all I let people see about me.

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What outfit suits you best?
Pinstriped suit
Plain suit
T-shirt and jeans
Fabulous wrap dress

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Where do you like to sit in a limo?
Back right, facing forward
In the back, facing backwards
Driving or passenger seat
Back left, facing forward

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How important is being wealthy?
Less than you'd think - but still, a fair amount.
It is the most important thing.
I don't care about that.
It sure helps!

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Do you intend to have kids?
I already have three.
Probably, yes.
No thanks.
Ideally a few.

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Are you fully Italian?
Yes, both sides going back forever.
At least one side.
Somewhat, I guess.
Yes, at least a large portion of both sides.

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How conventionally attractive are you?
I'm not hideous.
I'm pretty hideous.
I'm fit, so I have that going for me, but otherwise ugly.
I'm gorgeous.

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Can you lie with a straight face?
Yes, easily.
I don't need to; I just massage the truth.
Not really.
So well that I can fool myself.

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Where do you do your best work?
Terrace at home
Office
Alley or warehouse
Hosting a party

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Can you host a social event?
I think so.
If I must.
Nope
Naturally

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Are you good at master strategy?
Very good, yes
Parts of it
Nah
I'm the best.

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Do you just love coming up with creative ways to hurt people who mess with you?
I don't love it, I just know it has to be done.
I dislike it actually.
I'm not very creative but I have my fists.
Oh, yes.

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Do you ever feel a smidge guilty about being a criminal?
I don't see myself that way.
Yeah, sometimes.
Only when it risks people I love.
Not really.

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Do you know where the bodies are buried?
Yes, literally and figuratively
Only figuratively
Yes, literally
Sometimes, but I also know when it is smart not to know.

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How old were you when you became a "made man"?
12
34
I'm working on it.
I'm not technically, but I've done all that is required to be.

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Are you a great lieutenant?
No, I'm too bossy.
Yes, very good
Pretty decent
Yes, and a good commander sometimes

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Do you have an escape plan?
There's no escaping for me.
I might do.
No, too much work.
I have many.

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What crime is the most fun?
Getting public contracts. It's not glamorous, but you have to be so smart to look that legit.
Embezzling's pretty fun
Collecting protection money
Rigging horse-races

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What would make you turn state's evidence?
Nothing
Fear of a long sentence
If my mom was threatened.
If my kids were threatened.

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What crime will they pin on you if you do get caught?
All of it
Financial crimes
Murder
LOL. They got nothing on me.

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You Got:

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