1. drying your hair in the cockpit
   firing all missiles at once
2. engaging the afterburner

Jet pilots turn on the "blowers" when they want a speed boost. It means they're engaging the afterburners.

1. Look behind you.
   Eject immediately.
2. Call your mother, she has a really important question about wedding caterers.

If someone screams "check six" at you in a dogfight, you'd better look behind your plane immediately. "Check twelve" is to look forward.

1. air traffic controllers
   altitude
2. the creatures that make planes work

Angels are altitude, in thousands of feet. If a pilot says he's going to ascend to "Angels 4," he's going to 4,000 feet.

1. complimented you
   insulted you
2. hit on you

"Bomber pattern" means your spacing is way too wide, particularly for small planes. You're definitely being taunted.

1. You're low on fuel.
   You have a full tank.
2. Your fuel tank is on fire, oh no!

"Bingo" fuel is often bad news. It means you're low on fuel and you need to land very soon.

1. break
   plop
2. pew pew

"Break right!" To "break" means to execute a hard turn, and it’s a maneuver that's important when an enemy is tracking you.

1. "idiot"
   "bandit"
2. "poop face"

If you've identified an enemy aircraft in the vicinity, you don't need to know his first name. You just call him "bandit."

1. smoking in the cockpit
   ejecting
2. smacking your squad leader in the face

Pilots "punch out" only as a last resort, when the plane is definitely beyond saving. It means they are ejecting.

1. wingman
   Big Mac
2. light saber

If your wingman isn't in view, you're "blind." This concept is the same in jet fighters and in bars.

1. He has a fever.
   His radar is working.
2. His mother is mad at him.

A "hot nose" means the radar unit is working. A "cold nose," on the other hand, means the radar is off or malfunctioning.

1. "Schmoopy"
   "Winchester"
2. "Tooted"

If your plane is "Winchester," you are flat-out of weapons. If you're a patriotic pilot, you will, of course, crash your plane into the nearest enemy structure and go out in a blaze of glory.

1. quilting
   nuclear bomb attack
2. mid-air refueling

When pilots chat about "Texaco," they're referring to mid-air refueling. A Texaco, of course, is a brand of gas station.

1. She lost consciousness.
   She is intentionally crashing the plane.
2. She is flying through Burger King for a Whopper.

"G-LOC" refers to G-induced loss of consciousness, and it's when G-forces are so great that they cause pilots to pass out. As you can imagine, this is kind of a bad thing.

1. drug-induced unicorns
   friendly planes
2. dead people

A "visual" means you have eyes on a friendly plane. Probably don't blow up that one.

1. "cherubs"
   "squishes"
2. "cha cha"

"Angels" refers to thousands of feet. "Cherubs" on the other hand, refers to altitude in hundreds of feet. That, and the chubby baby angels that appear on your F-15's wings during intense battles, guiding you to glory.

1. blow up something
   pay off a politician
2. take a nap

A "crowd pleaser" is a nuclear weapon. If you drop one of these suckers, you will definitely draw the awe (and horror) of billions of humans.

1. "grape"
   "shag carpet"
2. "toddler"

"Grape" is a derogatory term for inferior pilots. They're the ones most obviously subject to Darwin's rules during a dogfight.

1. Tracking enemies in the jungle.
   Smoking a vaporizer in the cockpit.
2. Creating a huge cloud of condensation in the sky.

When fighters zoom around the sky, sometimes they'll leave clouds of condensation in their wake. They're "vaping."

1. It's an unknown radar contact.
   It's a sky monster.
2. It's a flock of geese.

"Bogies" are unidentified radar contacts. You might be sent to investigate bogies, only to find out that they're really "bandits."

1. So he could return to base.
   So he could retrieve his bombs.
2. So he could rampage through Berlin.

If your flight controller tells you to RTB, it means "return to base." Never attempt to retrieve your bombs, because man, they're gone.

1. delayed your landing time
   changed destination to Mars
2. decided to crash land instead, just for fun

To "delta" means to delay some aspect of your day. If you "delta 10 your landing," you'll now land your plane 10 minutes later than originally planned.

1. It doesn't work.
   It's bent, at a slight angle.
2. It's ready to rock.

"You know, I'd love to fire these missiles at the fighter that's stalking me, but my weapons systems are bent." Bent means "inoperable."

1. flying very low
   crashing
2. napping in the grass

Pilots who fly "into the weeds" are flying very low, perhaps to dodge radar or escape an enemy.

1. Eskimos
   popsicles (only red and yellow, green is gross)
2. weapons

Igloos are the little bunkers that store warplane weapons. Technicians quickly wheel missiles and bombs out of the igloos and load them onto planes during the heat of battle.

1. child support
   missiles
2. drunk women

Pilots don't like to hear about being "spiked." It means that there's an inbound missile somewhere and that they need to take evasive action.

1. Setting the cockpit on fire.
   Crashing it into an enemy aircraft carrier.
2. Pushing it to maximum speed.

"Firewalling" means to push the throttle all the way forward (toward the firewall). It means you're going as fast as you can.

1. Run away.
   Eat it.
2. Play with it.

A SAM is a surface-to-air missile, and it's bad news. Take evasive manuevers immediately!

1. a UFO
   a friendly plane
2. an enemy

If you have a "tally," you have an enemy in visual range. At this point, you must remember your rules of engagement. Or, you know, just blow it up because watching things explode is fun no matter the occasion.

1. You left the fight.
   You snacked on some crickets for extra energy.
2. You annoyed (bugged) your co-pilot.

If you "bug" out, you're leaving the dogfight. Maybe you got scared, or maybe you just needed a coffee break.

1. when they are infected with bird flu
   when they are subjected to very high G forces
2. when they are really drunk

When pilots experience the effects of G-induced loss of consciousness, their bodies flop around involuntarily. It's the "funky chicken," and it is either hilarious or terrifying depending on your sense of humor.