How Well Do You Understand Men?

By: Pierre Roustan

How Well Do You Understand Men?
Image: Jose Luis Pelaez Inc / DigitalVision / Getty Images

About This Quiz

While all of us still aim for the Holy Grail of relationship understanding, which is the WOMAN, many of us neglect to realize that there's the counterpart there in a two-way street requiring our attention. That is the male. The man. The one with a brain that no one can understand because sometimes it seems like there is no brain there! Men are truly a labyrinth. While you can traverse the labyrinth of a woman's mind and be lost in it for hours, perhaps days, just try that with a man - not only will you be lost, but also you just might be lost in a veritable void of nothingness.

That's part of the splendor and majesty of a man. His is a labyrinth for which you just might need a real-life blueprint schematic and map to guide you through every turn, so you at least know for sure that you're staying on track somehow. Who here could ever understand what and why a man does what he does? No one. It's truly a mystery. 

The good news is you can at least know where you stand, where you are in the maze of the mind of a man, what he's thinking, what he wants and how he plans to get it, without being totally puzzled. Simply take this quiz. And don't forget to bring your compass.

How do you get anything you want from a man who's a complete stranger?
Act helpless
Bat my eyelashes
Chest bump the guy
Twerk

Advertisement

What kind of romantic walk would a guy want to have?
To the nail salon
To the park where the swings are, so we can do "sunset heart hands"
To the auditorium for a boxing match
To the fridge for a beer

Advertisement

How many gallons of fuel will a guy use up before asking for directions?
Uuuuuuh, one gallon
Two or three? Depends on where we're going?
Won't matter, because we have our gas can in the back
Thousands - literally

Advertisement

What do you expect a man to do while sitting in a chair at a store by the fitting room you're in, when you're trying on a few dozen different dresses?
Wait for me to come out, looking all sexy, and admire me with his googly eyes
Stare at the wall
Play on his phone
Go into a coma

Advertisement

What do you think your boyfriend would say if you told him you have a lesbian lover?
"That's okay. Whatever makes you happy, darling."
"Can I meet her one day to ensure she's of the highest quality for you?"
"....Wait, what?"
"NO. WAY. CAN I MEET HER TODAY?"

Advertisement

Why can't men place toilet paper on the roll like normal?
Because they don't know where it is, and the counter works just fine
Because it's easier to get toilet paper that way
Because they're too busy
Because only women have that magical power

Advertisement

Can you explain the concept of golf?
You hit a ball with a stupid pool stick.
You hit a ball with a stick across a football field.
You hit a ball, 18 different times.
You're hitting a tiny ball, trying to get it into a gopher hole literally hundreds of yards away.

Advertisement

What do you expect a man to do when you say the word "commitment"?
Pack my bags
Sign the contract, whatever the contract is
Accept the job offer?
Roll eyes and look for any excuse in the book to pay attention to the football game on TV

Advertisement

How do you know a man is nearby?
The musky scent of cologne
My spider sense
There's a big brawl going on.
There's a hamper nearby, with underwear and dirty socks RIGHT BY IT, but not IN IT.

Advertisement

Knowing you utter about 7K words a day on average, how many words will a man usually say today?
Every man will quote an entire epic poem in Shakespearean language.
Enough words for a dissertation on the Spanish Inquisition
About the same as me
2K words or less - preferably less, much less

Advertisement

When's the best time to get attention from a man?
During playoff season
When I'm changing into my lingerie
When I'm passing gas
Any time when it's NOT playoff season - no ifs, ands or buts

Advertisement

What is one outdoor concept a man treasures the most?
The flowers
The birds
The fire pit
The front lawn

Advertisement

What makes a man's mother a saint?
The fact that she breast-fed him
Her ability to tie a tie
She can play basketball.
She taught her son to always put the toilet seat down.

Advertisement

How should you react when your boyfriend or husband does laundry or makes the bed?
Corrective - I must show him the "correct" way to do it.
Supportive - I must encourage him to do it more often.
Perplexed - ask him why he did all that?
All I need to do is gasp, and give him a hug.

Advertisement

Can you explain how your man somehow managed to grow more hair on his head?
Vaseline
My shampoo and conditioner grew it all back.
Hair Club for Men
It's a comb-over.

Advertisement

Are men afraid of you?
Not really
Sometimes, when I'm wearing a bikini.
I don't think so.
They're terrified.

Advertisement

Can a man get a bikini wax?
Sure, because hairless men are quite sexy
If I make puppy dog eyes at him, he will.
Sure, if he really wants to
Absolutely not, because he knows he will die a horrible death

Advertisement

What would a man rather do than buy tampons at a store?
Buy me a gift
Buy pantyhose
Buy a Snickers bar
Run away

Advertisement

What is the one thing guys love to do when danger and fire are involved?
Go to work at the fire station
Roast marshmallows
Camp
Barbecue all day

Advertisement

How hard is it to get a man organized?
Just as hard as shaving my legs after a few months
About as hard as taking the MCAT
About as hard as taking the MCAT and the Bar Exam
About as hard as taking the MCAT and Bar Exam while pushing a rope uphill and herding a cat

Advertisement

How do you blackmail a man?
Call his mother
Call his doctor
Call his brothers
Cry. Bawl. Cry so much my makeup runs.

Advertisement

How many pairs of shoes should a man own?
As many as he has outfits to wear!
As many as I'd like for him to have
Five or six
Three, tops

Advertisement

Should you ask what a man's thinking?
All the time. After all, his thoughts are super important.
Only when I'm giving him the "Disney eyes"
Only during commercials while he's watching the game
Never

Advertisement

What is the one common disease men have?
Running away
The receding hairline
The number 40
It's called "open-cupboard-itis." Sometimes it's also called "open-drawer-itis."

Advertisement

What is the best way to get a guy to drink as much beer as possible?
Just ask him nicely, I guess?
Go out with my friends, leaving him home alone
Tell him it's okay and nobody's watching
Invite his guy friends over, and be sure to let them know to bring plenty of six-packs

Advertisement

How often should you praise a man?
Until he gets excited.
Until he actually turns multiple colors and puffs up like a peacock.
Only when he starts singing show tunes.
Just enough to make him smile.

Advertisement

What are bad boys like to you?
The promised land
Wicked games to play
Big trouble for me and my family
Cupcakes

Advertisement

What's the one thing your man needs to do with his car?
Wash it
Wax it
Sleep in it
Consistently change the oil

Advertisement

How do you get your man to do something for you?
Give him a $20 bill
Flash him
Dress like Jennifer Lopez
Break out the booze

Advertisement

Can you name two different types of men's swimwear?
Ummm.... There's only one type, I thought.
Hawaiian and Brazilian
Board shorts and swimming trunks
Sexy-cool and freaky-speedo

Advertisement

You Got: