If Your Dog Had a Job, What Would They Do for a Living?

By: Emily Maggrett

If Your Dog Had a Job, What Would They Do for a Living?
Image: Olaser/E+/Getty Images

About This Quiz

Dogs are great! But have you ever thought they'd be even better if they actually worked for a living? While some woofers are employed as watchdogs, hunters, support animals and racing hounds, others do nothing all day but bark, sniff random bushes at the dog park and gnaw on gross old bones. 

Imagine what would happen if your dog did have to be gainfully employed. Perhaps he'd be a high-powered business executive. Or maybe he's more of a "humble small-town hardware store owner" type, or would be rad at writing lurid mysteries. We're curious about your dog's career path, so we decided to create a quiz that would answer the eternal question of which job your pooch would excel at.

Through queries about your dog's appearance and demeanor, "Lady and the Tramp" opinions, professional qualifications and decision-making ability, we're hoping to find out the true nature of your dog's skill set. However, in today's marketplace, soft skills are critical to dog workers' success, so we're also asking about your dog's self-confidence, communication skills and facility at winning people over. So, are you ready to find out whether your pup is fit to be top dog? Distract him with some Milk-Bones so you can take this quiz!

If your dog were a character from "The Office," who would she be?
Dwight. My dog is kind of militant.
Jim! My dog is charming (to most people).
Kevin. My dog is an adorable idiot.
Pam. My dog mothers EVERYONE.

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Would you say that your dog is more handsome, cute or dashing?
He's a dashing gentleman.
He's a handsome fella.
He's cute AF.
He's not good-looking, but he's extremely lovable.

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Can your dog catch rats or does he think of them as pets?
Oh, he'll murder a rat if he sees one.
My dog considers rats to be "little dogs."
My idiot dog is actually scared of rats.
My dog is a terrifying legend to rats; they don't come anywhere near our house.

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You're having a date over for a candlelit dinner. How does your dog ruin it?
He barks at my date VERY LOUDLY.
She distracts my date with her cuteness so much that I feel like we barely bond.
He ruins the mood by whining for scraps as I attempt to be seductive.
She sniffs my date in inappropriate places and gets dog hair on her beautiful dress.

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Like Veronica Mars, is your dog an investigator? Does he like to check out garbage, squirrel nests and other mysteries?
No squirrels will be collecting nuts on my dog's watch!
My dog is the Veronica Mars of "other dog's bodies."
My dog is a very good trash detective.
I think my wise and world-weary dog might work nights as a detective, actually.

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What's your dog's favorite workout jam?
"One More Time" by Daft Punk
"Work It" by Missy Elliot
"Kiss" by Prince
"She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer

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Imagine your dog is getting married. What would the wedding's theme be?
My dog would insist on eloping. He'd use the wedding money for a down payment on a condo.
My dog would have an annoyingly expensive destination wedding, with the theme "Caribbean Nights."
He'd do something weird like try to copy the wedding from "Twilight."
My dog would have a very proper church wedding.

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Does your dog son or daughter look like you?
Nope. They're athletic, I ... am not.
No. They're photogenic and cameras hate me!
Yes! We're both cuddly balls of fun.
Yes, LOL. We have similarly concerned facial expressions.

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If you could only save one individual — either your dog or your worst enemy at work — who would you choose?
I would save my dog and then he'd bravely help me rescue my enemy.
Obviously my dog!
Hmm, what? This isn't a real scenario.
Because I believe in the sanctity of human life, I'd save my enemy, but I know I'd regret it.

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Does your dog bark at strangers or lick their hands?
He barks at everyone who is not in our "pack."
He'll wag his tail for just about anyone.
My dog yips at strangers, but he's not exactly a "fearsome beast."
She doesn't bark at strangers but she's not friendly either; instead, she watches me to see what I think of them.

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If your dog had a human name, what would it be?
"Derek Danger"
"Jessie-Mae Prince"
"Billy P. Cumberbatch"
"Jane Eloise Poppins"

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Be honest: Does your dog have any leadership potential?
Yes. She's smart, dynamic, fearless ... I wish she were my actual boss!
You know, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's popular, which is a key trait of leadership.
Um, no. I love him, but he's a follower.
She has some potential but would be better-suited to a second-in-command role, like Riker on "Star Trek: The Next Generation."

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Is your dog an intellectual?
He's not book-smart, he's street-smart.
She's kind of dim, but like ... she's a dog?
Hahahaha, no!
My dog is incredibly intellectual. I wouldn't be surprised if he knew how to read.

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If your dog were starring in the film "Black Swan," would he be the Black Swan or the White Swan?
The Black Swan
I feel my dog could inhabit both roles equally well.
... What?
The White Swan

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After work, how do you like to kick back with your pooch?
We walk or jog through a gorgeous park.
We hop in the car and go swimming in the river.
We cuddle on the couch and watch serial killer shows on Netflix.
I sit on my patio and watch her romp in the yard.

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Let's say your dog could perform cool stunts. Which stunt would your dog be likely to impress you with?
Riding a motorcycle over a pool full of sharks
Flying a plane
Surfing
Operating a huge crane on a major construction project

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When your dog looks at you, what do you see in her eyes?
The spirit of a wolf, trapped in a dog's body
The spirit of Zack Morris from "Saved by the Bell," trapped in a dog's body
The spirit of "The Big Lebowski," trapped in a dog's body.
A powerful leader, such as German Chancellor Angela Merkel or Emma Thompson

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What's your woofer's favorite position to sleep in?
Curled up by the back door
Smack dab in the middle of my bed
Flopped on his stomach on my most expensive piece of furniture
On her side, in her dog bed

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If your dog took a job in the corporate world, would he be one of those people who do nothing all day but go to meetings or one of those nerds who do all the work?
One of those nerds who do all the work
One of those people who spend all day in meetings promising to do work but not doing it
He'd be one of those people who work all the time but don't get much done.
Neither. She'd run the place.

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Let's say your dog is starring in the classic film noir "Casablanca." Which role would he play?
Captain Louis Renault, the cynical government official
Victor Lazlo, the idealistic but oblivious political activist
Rick Blaine, the reluctantly heroic bar owner
Ilsa Lund, the brave fugitive

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Does your dog ever go on patrols? Even when you've specifically asked him not to?
Haha, yes
Only when she's feeling sassy
I wish my dog would go on patrols!
Sometimes I catch him patrolling (he tries to be stealthy about it).

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In your dog's opinion, should Tramp from "Lady and the Tramp" have ended up with Lady or Peg?
I would have preferred to date Peg, the sultry dog at the pound. Lady's kind of boring.
Tramp made the right choice in picking Lady. Her hair is AMAZING.
Listen up: Lady is basic and Peg is everything.
Tramp and Peg are the more obvious couple, but sometimes opposites attract.

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Does your dog have high self-esteem, low self-esteem or healthy self-esteem?
Low self-esteem
High self-esteem
Healthy self-esteem
My dog has zero self-respect, unfortunately. He'll do anything for pets.

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How does your dog behave around children?
He doesn't like them but he doesn't bite them.
She mothers them as if they were her own.
She competes with them for attention.
He doesn't mind them, as long as they don't pull his ears or hurt him.

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The Canadian TV show "The Littlest Hobo" was about a homeless German Shepherd who solved tough problems. Is your dog like him, or is he more like Paris Hilton's purse dog?
He could get cast as the new Littlest Hobo, definitely.
He's like the Littlest Hobo in appearance but probably couldn't solve any tough problems.
My dog is most like the chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials.
My dog is small like a purse dog but smart like the Littlest Hobo.

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Is your dog a lazy guy, or is he a very good boy?
She's a good girl.
He's sort of a lazy guy.
OMG my dog is so flipping lazy.
He's king of the good boys.

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Bosses sometimes have to make hard decisions, as well as take flak from their superiors and their underlings. Would your dog be able to handle the pressure?
Heck yes. This dog is management material.
My dog is good at pretending like he doesn't know that you're mad at him, making him perfect for middle management.
My dog is too weak for kind of stress!
She could handle the pressure, but might need extra help with managing her stress (pig ears to chew on, etc.)

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Is your dog a narc?
Um, kind of. At least, he's friends with some drug-sniffing dogs.
Nah. My dog's cool, if you know what I mean.
No way!
(Sigh) Yeah ...

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In the "Air Bud" movies, golden retrievers amaze their owners by playing basketball, soccer and other sports. Is your dog similarly athletic, or is he just some "regular dog"?
My dog could beat Air Bud up.
My dog has the charisma of Air Bud but lacks his skills.
My dog is about as athletically skilled as a pillow.
With practice, I actually think my dog could learn to play soccer. Basketball? No way.

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Here's the most important question of all: would YOU hire your dog?
Absolutely. Every business needs a tough leader.
Yes. He'd be great at interfacing with clients.
I hate to say it but ... no. He's just too irresponsible.
Of course! I already feel like she's my personal assistant.

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