Is It Time to Replace Your Truck?

By: Mark Lichtenstein

Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

It is your friend, your trusted companion, your workmate, and your road trip buddy. It's your truck. You don't just drive it for work, you build an attachment to it, like a well-worn pair of jeans. Is it the right time to replace your truck?

What happens when you turn the ignition key in your truck?

Nothing

It wheezes and coughs
It grudgingly comes to life

It starts like normal

How do your brakes feel?

Like they aren't there

I need to mash them to get anything
They complain a little

They're fine

How responsive is your truck's steering?

The wheel has so much play, I have to spin it a quarter of the way just to turn the wheels one degree

The wheel has no road feel anymore
The wheel has a little play in it

The steering is fine

How many horses have escaped your truck's engine?

All

More than half
Less than half

One or two at the most

How well does your truck carry its payload?

It falls to pieces

It creaks and groans
It takes a big sigh when you load it

Just fine

What shape is the upholstery in?

The upholstery is gone. I'm sitting in fluff.

It's had better days
It's still okay so long as I treat it with leather lotion

It's cherry

What shape is the dash in?

It's gone

It's cracked
It has lost its luster

It looks like new

How many cracks are there in the windscreen?

There is more crack now than glass

It has one or two...or ten
It has this one little pit that I hate

It's clean

Do the windshield wipers still work?

One of them sort of does

They do "work" but they don't do much
They get the job done

They work like new

Does the engine still make a good sound?

It makes sounds, none of them good

It grunts a lot
It does most of the time

It sounds fine

How quickly does the torque come now, compared with how it was when it was new?

There's almost no torque left

Much slower
A little slower

The same

How good is the truck's transmission?

It's totally destroyed

It's really buggy
It's a little slow

It's fine

Do your friends still ask to borrow your truck?

No

Sometimes, if they haven't seen it
Rarely

They always ask

Do your friends who borrow your truck try to keep it clean when they give it back to you?

They don't bother at all. I've found feces in the truck.

They try not to spill too much food or drink in it
They sometimes leave paper laying around

They leave it cleaner than I do

When you accidentally dent a door or a fender, do you bother to worry about it?

God no

Not unless it's a really bad dent
I worry if it's not easy to fix

Gosh I worry about it a lot

Do you worry when a road leads your truck to the base of a hill?

I'm amazed it got that far

I get very worried
I get a bit worried

I don't worry at all

Do you ever say a little prayer when you hit your brakes?

Prayer is all I have

I say a big prayer
I say a little prayer if I have to come to a quick stop

No need

In what shape is your truck's paint job?

I wouldn't know as I haven't seen it in years

It's mostly gone
It's been replaced

It's still good

What was the key feature marketed by your truck's manufacturer when your truck was new?

Its paint job

Air conditioning
CD player

Crew cab

Do you have to use your phone for navigation?

I have to use my phone to order an Uber

I have to use my phone for headlights
I have to use my phone as a spirit level so I'll know if I can handle the incline

No

Do you have to use your phone to listen to music?

Yes, which I'll need while I wait for the tow truck

Yes, which I'll be using to establish a good rhythm for shifting on hills, which I need for the transmission to work
Yes, but only because the speakers in the truck are gone

No

When you pull up to a red light and a new truck pulls up next to you, how do you feel?

Amazed I made it to the light

Like I want to kill myself
Burning jealousy

I feel fine

Would your truck be considered a "classic"?

It would be considered modern art

It would be considered classic scrap
It would be considered a rat rod

No

How often do you have to do DIY maintenance on your truck?

Every time I sit in it

A few times a week
Once every couple months

Once a year

How often do you have to take your truck to the shop for maintenance?

They won't let me take it there anymore

Once a week
Once a year

Just regular oil changes, etc.

When was the last time you brought your truck in for maintenance, and how did the mechanic react to it?

Last week. He asked me why I was dragging a pile of garbage with me.

Last week. They wanted to know if it ran on firewood.
Last month. They wanted to know if it had power steering.

I've not yet brought it in.

Does your significant other think you should get a new truck?

Yes

S/he'd like that
S/he thinks it could be time

S/he thinks that would be a waste

Is your truck capable of towing a trailer?

No

Maybe
Probably

Yes

Is your truck capable of pulling a tree stump?

No

Maybe
Probably

Yes

Is your truck still running most of the time?

No

Not most of the time
Most of the time, as in more than half

The vast majority of the time

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