What Kind of Afterlife Are You Destined For?

By: Zoe Samuel

What Kind of Afterlife Are You Destined For?
Image: Carol Yepes/Moment/Getty Images

About This Quiz

When you die, you may end up in an afterlife. In most cultures, that means a Heaven or a Hell. In other cultures, when you die you get reincarnated, usually as some kind of animal, and hopefully as an animal that lives a good life. Depending on the culture, what the best form to be reincarnated as can get pretty contentious.

Heaven is a pretty loaded idea as well. The Neo-Aristotelians believed that Heaven was simply a re-conjoining of the soul with The Prime Mover. While Christianity and Islam have very clearly defined ideas of Heaven, other monotheistic religions leave the afterlife deliberately vague. Other cultures are more specific, with stories of castles in the clouds full of the gods, or the halls of Valhalla.

Then there is Hell. In Chinese mythology alone, there are 12,800 Hells. That a lot of Hells. All things being equal, since the Chinese Hells outnumber nearly all other Hells, it's very likely if one is headed to Hell, one had better speak Mandarin. There is The Mountain of Knives Hell, The Cauldron of Torture Hell, and our favorite Hell, Avīci, which is where the worst sinners go to spend the most time enduring the worst things.

There is the idea of a personal Hell, of course. Jean-Paul Sartre's No Exit posits that Hell can simply be the presence of people who really annoy you. Teenagers argue that Hell is when their parents come to pick them up from the prom and call them by their nickname in front of all their friends.

We, however, have worked very closely with people who have the inside line on which afterlife you are destined for, and we've come up with a way to determine where you are headed. We're sure it's someplace good, or at least really entertaining!

How do you practice your religion?
I sit with gurus and make pilgrimages.
I don't! Religion is a farce!
I pray and tithe and do charity work.
I listen to Black Sabbath every Sunday.

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What is the nature of right and wrong?
There is a natural karmic balance to the universe.
It's culturally relative. What was moral 200 or 1000 years ago may not be anymore.
God gave us the rules. We just have to follow the spirit of them if not the letter, for words are an imperfect medium for justice and good.
It may be wrong, but why does it feel so right?

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How much time to you spend giving to charity?
I donate to several carefully chosen charities.
I do some volunteering.
I donate time and money.
The only Charity I know works at the club near the airport.

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What is the most valuable thing you stole from someone?
I don't know. Maybe I stole some of a roommate's clothing once.
Nothing I know of
I stole some sprinkles from a TCBY once.
I can't be telling you! Someone might overhear us!

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How many times did you have to take your driver's test?
7!
1. I studied hard. On my PS3.
2. I made amends when I got things wrong.
3. Technically twice, and then again when I had my license taken away.

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Do you believe in an afterlife?
I don't know.
No. It's silly nonsense.
Yes, and I hope it's all it's cracked up to be.
Yeah, and I'm definitely going to Heaven because I'm great!

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How kind are you to those less fortunate?
I always reach out to them and offer them help.
I respect their boundaries, and their pride, but I try to be supportive.
I just do charity, no questions asked.
I tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! We live in a capitalist society!

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How religiously conservative are you?
I'm fairly observant.
I'm an atheist.
Not at all
Very

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How forgiving are you?
I have trouble letting go.
I guess about as much as the next person.
I don't believe in casting stones at all. I let go of all grudges.
I hold a grudge for life! For life!

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How strongly do you feel about the idea of objective reality?
It's all an illusion.
Very strongly. How can one believe anything if one cannot believe one's senses?
It's philosophical nonsense.
I create my own reality, baby!

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Do you play fair at work?
For the most part, but it can be a dog eat dog world.
It's the moral thing to do.
Of course! I wouldn't want someone doing something unfair to me and how I make a living!
All's fair in love and war!

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How hard do you work at your profession?
Not hard enough, I think.
I do everything required of me.
I put my heart and soul into it.
My job dominates my every waking moment.

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How fairly do you feel life has treated you?
Not fairly at all
It is what it is. The world doesn't have feelings.
I suppose there's no such thing as fair, is there?
It has treated me like the rock star I know I am.

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What best sums up your personal philosophy?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Be good, work hard, and love your family.
Heart, faith, and a spine of steel.
Get what's yours while you can.

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Are you at peace with the idea of death and dying?
Not really
I have to be. There's nothing I can do about it.
Yes
No way! I have stuff to do!

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Who would you like to see in the afterlife?
My friends
God, if it exists.
My grandparents, my parents
Lemmy from Motorhead!

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What plans have you made for your funeral?
Gosh! None!
I've asked that I be cremated.
I want to be
I want a tomb that would make a pope blush.

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What religion, other than your own, do you think has the most appealing take on the afterlife?
Buddhism
Shintoism
Sikhism
Satanism

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How much time do you spend taking care of your elders?
A couple hours a week
It's not a regular thing, but I do an hour here and there.
Never enough
I spend six hours a week taking care of my auntie. I want to be in her will!

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Do you give up your seat when an old person is left standing?
Usually, but not always
Yes, unless I'm injured.
Always! Even if my knee hurts.
No! In fact, I'll fake an injury to get them to give me their seat!

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How respectful are you when you travel to foreign lands?
Mostly
Totally
Very, unless their ways are unjust. Then I will oppose them if the opportunity comes.
Not at all! I'm the important guy! Everyone should bend to my will!

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How often do you keep your word?
Mostly
When it is warranted.
Always
Never

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Have you ever cheated on a romantic partner?
Once. I felt awful about it.
Once or twice, but that was high school and college. The relationships weren't serious.
No, never
Look, if I want to have a little fun and my partner doesn't know, who gets hurt, am I right?

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Have you ever done something selfish that resulted in the death of another person?
If I did, I have no idea.
No. I'm proud of that.
God no! That would be awful!
I'm taking advantage of my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination on this question.

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Have you tried to make amends for the others you wronged?
No. I should.
For the most part
Yes, for everyone
No. Why should I?

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How hard do you try to be generous with others when things are going your way?
I could always do better.
I do what is right and just.
I give away as much as possible, so others will enter into a competition with me to give.
Not at all! It's mine! What's mine is mine!

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Have you found all five types of love (parents, extended family, lover, friends, children) yet?
Not, not all of them, but some.
Yes
Found, and lost in some cases
Who cares about friends and children? I'm all about the lovers (plural)!

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How close are you to "getting" what life is all about?
I don't think I'll ever get it.
I don't think there's anything to get.
I think I get it.
I understand it better than anyone.

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How many of your friends would make a personal recommendation for you, as a good human being?
I don't know. I never thought to ask.
Most, I'd hope.
All, definitely
Who needs a recommendation anyway?

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Are you generous with others when things aren't going all that well for you personally?
If I get the chance, but what do I have to give?
Yes, when there's something I can do, I do it.
I'll be generous to a fault, even when things are going badly.
I'll swipe a friend's wallet and take them out to dinner with their own money.

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