M*A*S*H: Who Said It?

By: Becky Stigall

M*A*S*H: Who Said It?
Image: CBS

About This Quiz

If you're a "M*A*S*H" fan, and who isn't, you've probably seen every episode... twice (at least). Assuming you hung on every word, you should be able to match each quote to the character who said it. Let's get started!
Which character said, "Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today"?
Hawkeye
B.J.
Frank Burns
None of the above
Although we never saw them (or did we?), PA announcements were made by Todd Susman and Sal Viscuso. Guess we should add PA announcer as an option.

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Which character scolded Radar by saying, "Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?"
Colonel Blake
Colonel Henry Blake was portrayed by McLean Stevenson.
Hawkeye
Trapper
B.J.

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Which weaselly character said, "It's nice to be nice... to the nice"?
Hawkeye
B.J.
Trapper
Frank Burns
Hey, "weaselly" is Hawkeye's description of Burns, not ours!

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Which character said, "You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps"?
Klinger
Radar
Dr. Sidney Freedman
Dr. Sidney Freedman said these words to Klinger, who, as we all know, wasn't really nuts, but you can't blame a guy for trying.
Margaret Houlihan

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Which camp leader spoke the words, "Please excuse these two, they're themselves today"?
Colonel Potter
Who COULD he possibly have been talking about? Hmmm.
Radar
Klinger
Houlihan

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Which character said, "That's not my department, sir - intelligence is something I try to avoid"?
Frank Burns
Oh dear, Frank stuck his foot in his mouth again!
Radar
Klinger
Houlihan

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Which character said, "Due to a lack of casualties, today's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 in the morning... And midnight has been canceled"?
PA Announcer
Yup, we're counting the PA Announcer as a character. Why not?
Frank
Margaret
Hawkeye

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Which character lamented, "I'm too frightened to be scared"?
Frank
Hawkeye
Hawkeye, played by Alan Alda, really was one of the bravest men on television.
Radar
Klinger

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Which character quipped, "I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so"?
Hawkeye
Hawkeye spoke these words in response to B.J.'s query, "What's Frank up to?"
B.J.
Trapper
Radar

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Which character noted, "I call it 'Suicide by Salami'"?
Radar
Hawkeye
Margaret Houlihan
Colonel Potter
Colonel Potter observed that Klinger was trying to exit the war by eating his way to freedom.

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Which character observed, "You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you"?
Colonel Blake
Sure, any character could have, would have, said this, but it was Colonel Blake who made this observation.
Hawkeye
B.J.
Trapper

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Which character said "They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him"?
Frank Burns
Only Frank could have said these words.
Margaret Houlihan
Radar
Klinger

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Which character said, "Spontaneity has its time and its place"?
Hawkeye
Radar
Frank Burns
Yup, another Frank-ism. We're going to start calling them Frank-isms.
Klinger

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Which character lamented. "I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out"?
Hawkeye
Need context on this? Hawkeye said it after asking Margaret to blow in his ear. Now it makes sense!
B.J.
Radar
Trapper

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Which character noted, "Insanity is just a state of mind"?
Hawkeye
Another brilliant philosophical observation from Hawkeye. "M*A*S*H" was full of them.
Frank
Margaret
Radar

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Which character ranted, "It's a recurring nightmare with popcorn"?
Frank
Hawkeye
Hey, it's hard to watch the same movie over and over again!
B.J.
Father Mulcahy

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Which character teased, "Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused"?
Frank
B.J.
Hawkeye
Do you remember Hawkeye's full name? It's Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
Radar

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Which character claimed, "See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know"?
Radar
Klinger
Margaret
Cpl. Igor Straminsky
The character of Cpl. Igor Straminsky was played by Jeff Maxwell (and occasionally by Peter Riegert).

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Which character announced, "Report to the Big Top immediately; the circus is about to begin"?
Hawkeye
PA Announcer
The PA Announcer was really quite witty.
Radar
Father Mulcahy

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Which character said, "Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one"?
Colonel Potter
Colonel Potter said this to Frank Burns. We know which one was nuts.
Frank Burns
Hawkeye
Radar

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Which character said, "We interrupt your sweet dreams to bring you the following nightmare"?
Frank Burns
PA Announcer
Seriously, those announcements probably caused nightmares. Not to mention that war that was happening.
Radar
Klinger

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Which character scolded, "Act like a man, you sniveling twerp"?
Margaret Houlihan
Ah, sweet Margaret. She and Frank had a unique relationship.
Frank Burns
Hawkeye Pierce
Colonel Potter

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Which character said, "You're not going to write your mother again"?
Hawkeye
Trapper
The full quote is, "Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again." Trapper said this in response to Frank's "I'm taking this to a higher authority."
Frank
Margaret

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Who critiqued, "Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?"
Margaret
Hawkeye
Hawkeye spoke these kind words to Houlihan. Not nice, Hawkeye!
B.J.
Radar

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Which character said proudly, "We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system"?
Radar
Klinger
Hawkeye
Hawkeye was speaking lovingly of the Swamp.
Burns

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Which character said, "I wonder if I can say something useful"?
Hawkeye
B.J.
Frank
Seriously Frank, why do you even try?
Margaret

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Which character noted, "Oh, Frank. You're so above average"?
Margaret
Um... Margaret, was that a compliment?
Klinger
Radar
Hawkeye

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Which character said, "Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it"?
Colonel Blake
Nice one, Colonel! Probably many of us can relate.
Radar
Klinger
Houlihan

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Which character quipped, "Been shaving your legs again, Frank"?
Hawkeye
Seriously, any of the Swamp dwellers could have said this, but it was Hawkeye.
B.J.
Trapper
Radar

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Which character announced, "Out of the frying pan and into the O.R."?
PA Announcer
Did we give it away by saying "announced"?
Frank Burns
Klinger
Radar

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Which character said, "Uh, I ran out of ice sir, so I used bourbon"?
Frank
Hawkeye
B.J.
Radar
The character of Radar was played by Gary Burghoff.

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Which character threatened, "Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee"?
Frank
Margaret
Well, we know who wore the pants in that relationship.
Klinger
Radar

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Which character scolded, "Have you ever considered renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage"?
Hawkeye
Frank
Radar
B.J.
The character of B.J. Hunnicutt was played by Mike Farrell. We really never do find out what B.J. stands for.

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Which character snorted, "Where is that Lebanese mongoose?"
Charles
The character of Major Charles Emerson Winchester III was played by David Ogden Stiers.
Frank
Radar
Klinger

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Which character said, "Due to the shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at 1800"?
Margaret
Radar
Klinger
PA Announcer
No worries, that was probably the best use of the movie anyway.

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