Place These Cars in Heaven or Hell and We'll Guess What Truck You Own

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
8 min
Where would you put the 2000 Toyota Avalon?
Heaven, definitely.
Hell. Boring!
Probably Hell. It says "I couldn't afford a Lexus."
Probably Heaven. It's a Toyota, which means you'll drive it for 10 years or more.

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Would you send the 2004 Ford GT to live with the angels, or condemn it to an eternity of pain?
Hell. Flashy, stupid, no range
Heaven! It's got an engine you can also find in some special edition F-150s.
Hell, probably. It seats 2 people, badly.
Heaven. It's a classic.

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Do you think the 1991 Acura Legend should live with the angels or sleep with the fishes?
Live with the angels. It's a solid car for its era.
Probably Hell. It's an Acura.
Definitely Hell. It's a bit meh.
Definitely the angels. It's cool, for its time. A legend!

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Is the Toyota Mirai a dancing inferno, or bound for Dante's Inferno?
It's a dancing inferno! It's a likely model for how things are going to be.
Dante's Inferno. If this is the future, I don't want to see it.
Dante's Inferno. How can Toyota somehow make the future so depressing?
Dancing Inferno! Have you seen the interior?!

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Does the Morgan 3-Wheeler deserve an eternity of pitchforks and brands, or wine and roses?
Pitchforks. It's a useless toy.
Wine and roses! It's a classic of the old school!
Brands first, pitchforks second.
Wine and roses. It's charming.

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Where would you put the 2015 Cadillac CST V-sport?
Hell. Lots of power, but it comes all at once.
Heaven. It's the ultimate highway cruiser.
Probably Heaven. Good handling, and "stupid mode" only turns on when you're on the highway? Sounds good to me.
Probably Hell. It's ostentatious.

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Is the Volvo S60 worthy of the sight of God, or should it drown in the pit reserved for betrayers?
Look, God! It's a safe little sedan!
Drown, you Swedish abomination!
Drown in the pit, tiny, joyless machine!
Check it out, God! It's possibly the safest little sedan that ever was!

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Should the Lexus LFA go to meet its ancestors in the good place, or meet its doom in the underworld?
Definitely doom. It's ugly, expensive, and no longer the best.
Probably doom. It's kind of obscene.
Probably the good place. It's a modern classic.
Definitely the good place. It's a supercar from Japan!

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Should the 2002 Audi A6 ascend to the clouds, or be cast into the chasm?
Cast it into the chasm! It is nothing less than perverse Teutonic science!
Smash the hateful fleet machine and hurl it into Hell!
Send the engine to Hell, but the all-wheel-drive system to Heaven!
Wouldn't it have died and gone to its reward in about 2006?

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Does the Chevy SS seem like it's headed to Metatron's smooth driveway, or Old Nick's potholed interchange?
It's already cruising around the seventh Heaven.
It's probably with the angels.
Well, it was made with The Devil in mind.
It's in Hell, with its stupid low mileage.

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Where would you put the Lincoln Town Car?
Hell! Body on frame is The Devil's work!
Heaven! It's a classic, capable of smoothing bumpy roads in a single bound!
Hell. It's ugly, and no engine that big should make so little power.
Heaven! It's understated.

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Does the Jeep Renegade Trailhawk inspire you to be saintly so you can have one in heaven, or does it make you want to do good so you can avoid it in Hell?
Boo! Not a real off-roader!
I'll be good so I can go off-road in this lovely little machine.
Cast this hopped-up hatchback into the pit!
It's actually practical, and with its ability to handle some basic off-roading, handy on snow days. I'll take one to Heaven.

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Does the Jaguar XJ belong at God's side, or under Satan's boot?
Send it to Heaven. It's a lovely machine.
To Hell! It is the car of every bad guy in every movie!
To Heaven! It massages thee...
To Hell! It may be cool, but so are other, better cars, for the price!

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Would you jump a BMW 135i so it could go to Heaven, or push it down the hill into Hell?
Send it up to God. It's a tight little machine that points to what BMW does best.
To Hell. It's 90% perfect, which makes its shortcomings glaring.
To Heaven! It's a sweet little sports car.
Send it to hell. BMWs haven't been "great" since the 1990s.

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Does the 2016 Dodge Dart have a face worthy of the angels, or a character worthy of Hell?
It's a neat little machine!
Dodge took the Alfa Romeo 940 as a base, and all they changed was its looks, leaving its questionable engineering in place. It's like marrying a supermodel and making her wear a paper bag over her head.
Send the Dodge to Heaven. It's a classic reborn.
Don't they go to Hell after three years when they fall apart?

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Where would you put the Pagani Huayra?
The Devil made it, and he can have it.
In Heaven! And fast!
I'd put it in Hell. It's ugly and hard to pronounce. "Huyarooayra?"
Send it to Heaven. It's a decent machine with a heart of AMG.

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Should the BMW X5 be consumed by flames, or should it stand on a plinth in Heaven?
Flames! Overpriced garbage!
Flames! It's everything BMW used to stand against!
The plinth! It's BMW showing they do SUVs better than anyone in Germany!
The plinth, though only so a Range Rover can crush it.

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Is the KTM X-Bow good enough for Heaven, or bad enough for Hell?
Oooh ... it's definitely bad enough for Hell... which is why it should go to Heaven.
Hell. Stupid toy.
Hell. It's a rich man's way of compensating.
Heaven! It's a rocket for the road!

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Can the Lotus Esprit handle well enough for the roads in Heaven, or must it be sold for parts in Hell?
I don't think the parts would be worth much ...
It handles well enough for Heaven.
Definitely Heaven
Send it to Hell. It only got uglier with every generation.

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Will the 2019 Ford Mustang muscle its way into Heaven, or spin its way into Hell?
Definitely spin into Hell. What happened to the 'stang?
Muscle into Heaven! It's a mean machine!
Muscle into Heaven. A modern classic.
Spin into Hell. Technology somehow makes it more dangerous. Poor crash test rating, too.

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Where would you put the Ford Fiesta ST?
Couldn't they have picked a better two letters for the end? ST? Like Sanitary Tissue? Put it in Hell.
Heaven. The RS goes to Hell though. Stupid car.
Heaven. It's one of the most perfect hatchbacks.
Hell! It's one of the hatchbacks that killed off all cars at Ford!

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Would you ship a brand new VW E-Golf to Jonas Salk up in Heaven, or condemn Stalin to drive one in Hell?
It gets worse range than every other electric car... but is it at least green? Heaven?
Definitely Heaven! it's the first electric VW! Instant collector's item!
Hell ... it's just not very functional.
Heaven. VW's heart was finally in the right place.

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Should Saint Peter widen the gates of heaven to accommodate the Brabus S Biturbo Roadster or should it be crushed and air mailed to The Devil?
Send it to Heaven. They can use it to power a city.
Send it to Hell. It can't corner.
Send it to Heaven! It's cool!
Send it to Hell. It's one of the most expensive midlife crisis cars in the world.

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Does the H1 Hummer belong in Valhalla, or should it be cast into Hades?
It's certainly got the fighting credentials for Valhalla.
Valhalla. It's a war machine.
Hades! It's neither Nordic, nor a classic!
Hades. A cold war weapon should get some heat.

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Does the Ariel Atom earn its place in Heaven, or is it bound for Hell?
It's going to Hell. It's a toy.
It's going to Heaven. It's a game changer.
It's going to Hell! It's a stupid hatchback engine on a go-cart!
It's going to Heaven. Honda would be proud of where its engine went.

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Where would you put the Chevrolet Corvette C6 Z06?
Heaven. An American miracle
Heaven. A classic muscle car
Hell! For all it's faults, it's still not as good as a Dodge Viper!
Hell. It's a stupid toy.

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Should the Nissan 370Z GT be how Raphael commutes to work, or be spending its time in traffic jams with Satan at the wheel?
Give the hateful little machine to Satan.
Satan's an adolescent. Let him drive it.
Raphael could tear things up in one.
I think Raphael will appreciate the way it hugs you in the seat.

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Does the Mitsubishi Lancer make you think of Gabriel, or Lucifer?
Gabriel, but mostly because of the Evolution versions.
Lucifer. It's a horrible economy car.
Lucifer. It's spartan and weak.
Gabriel. The darn things last forever.

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Should the Mercedes C-Class ascend to the clouds, or be cast into the chasm?
To the clouds. It's a lovely machine these days.
The chasm. The ATS is a better driving car.
The chasm. It's fine, but overshadowed by the E-Class, which is the same but better.
The clouds. It's built to last.

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Would you send the Spyker C8 to live with the angels, or condemn it to an eternity of pain?
Pain. It's a sports car. 'nuf said.
The angels. It's a wonderful throwback.
Pain. It's a two-seater and a poor sports car.
The Angels. Just look at it!

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