Pretend to Make Some Drunken Office Party Decisions and We'll Give You a Karaoke Song to Sing!
By: Mark Lichtenstein
About This Quiz
The office party is a minefield. Whatever you do will have consequences at work: you could make your colleagues hate you, you could end up in an awkward breakfast with a co-worker. Worst of all, you could wind up on YouTube, singing Abba for all eternity.
Are you going to finally ask out that hottie in the next cubicle?
No way! They're out of my league!
Yes, because when we're both drunk I might have a chance.
No, I'm already in a relationship.
How do you feel about photocopying your butt?
Good. I've got a great butt!
No way, but maybe I'll do it with another part of my body.
Not my butt, but I'll get someone else to do it.
Party's at 5 but drinks arrived early. Martini at 2 p.m.?
It's 5 o'clock somewhere! Cheers!
Martini? Singular? Do I look like an amateur?
No, but I'll get started early.
No pregame for me, thanks.
You wanna puke, but the bathroom is far away. There's a potted plant nearby. Do you use it?
Only if it's a real plant.
Only if it's a fake plant.
Only if I can get the plant out of the pot first.
Time to tell the boss what you think of him! Yay or nay?
Nay! I'm carrying on relationships with five other employees.
Yay! Only when he's drunk though.
Yay! Only when she is sober though.
Nay! I must remain employed.
You hate your job. Do you just quit?
No, I must first prank my boss.
Yes, but first I have to do some industrial espionage.
You've totally screwed up a spreadsheet and it's the last task you did before the holidays. Do you just quietly leave it as is?
I have my assistant fix it.
I pretend it's someone else's responsibility and leave it to the fates.
The big presentation is tomorrow. Do you skip the party?
No! Parties are important to morale.
I arrive late and leave early.
I arrive late but leave at the normal time.
Will you take one for the road?
I believe the expression is three for the road.
Are you wearing an offensive T-shirt?
No, but maybe a cheeky one.
You bet I am! I have one all picked out...
No, I want to have at least some small chance of getting lucky.
No, I will wear no shirt at all!
How do you feel about simply not showing up to the party without telling anyone?
I'd have to tell someone.
I might tell no one, so I could pretend I was there.
I will just lie and say I came when people were drunk.
I'll just ghost the party.
How do you feel about pulling a sickie so you can avoid the party and not be judged?
I have to network at the party, so no.
I might if I can find something more fun to do.
I will, if there's a better party!
You're skipping the party. Do you post a cheeky selfie on social media, just to dice with danger?
No, I maintain a perfect facade.
Yes, but I post it after the fact.
No, but I don't hold back on having a good time.
It's hot in here! Time to open the window on your 30th-floor office... isn't it?
Yes! And TP the nearby gas station!
Only if there's no chance I'll fall out.
Only if there's a chance the person ahead for me for the promotion might fall out.
Do you tell your office Secret Santa that you got them?
Only if they love the gift.
No, I tell the person who got the most expensive gift that I was their Secret Santa.
No... where's the fun in that?
Do you drunkenly flash the workmen on the scaffolding outside the office: after all, it's not like they have camera phones handy?
No, but I make someone else do it.
Yes, but while wearing a mask or a bag on my head.
Your friend left their paycheck on their desk, face down. Do you look at it?
I look at it and note the account number, so I can commit fraud.
The boss is away and their parking spot is much better than yours. Do you "borrow" it?
You bet I do! Now I'm the boss!
No, but I might edge into the parking space a little.
No, I encourage someone else to, and snap a photo, for blackmail.
You've been given a raise! Do you immediately buy presents for everyone?
No! I buy presents for me!
You've been promoted! Do you immediately stop hanging out with your circle of friends at the party and instead hang with the execs?
No, I bring the execs to meet my talented officemates.
Yes, but only after hanging with my homies.
There's a new dress code, and it says you must wear a jacket and tie or that you can also wear a knee length dress that does not show cleavage. It's going to get hot in the office during the party, as the weather is unseasonably warm. Do you encourage the men to wear dresses?
If I'm a man, I'm wearing a dress, that's for sure.
No, I encourage them to wear winter coats.
Do you volunteer to get the cake?
I do, but pretend something came up, so I can still take credit.
No, I have to work on my dance moves.
Someone brought in donuts. How many do you eat?
One. I'm watching my figure!
Three, because it's a party!
I will probably lose track.
As many as I can before they run out.
The morning of the party, they're selling bagels in the breakroom, on the honor system, to raise money for drinks that night. You have a $5. The bagels are $1. There isn't enough change. Do you sneak a bagel?
I'll just buy five and sell the others for $1 each.
Jill in accounting is raising money for her kids' school by selling raffle tickets. Top prize is a freakin' boat! How many tickets do you buy?
Your really devout colleague is talking about her religion again. Do you tell her you're a Satanist, just to annoy her?
No, but I ask her if she has accepted Jesus Christ as her own personal savior.
No, I just tell her I'm not interested in her imaginary friend.
I ask her if she has ever heard of Hari Krishna.
Everyone is being laid off. Do you cry in the office or wait until you get outside?
I sob mostly at my desk, pull it together, and leave.
Everyone is being laid off.... except you! Do you gloat?
No, but I do enjoy it, privately.
No, and I pretend like I'm fired too, until the walking dead leave.
A meeting overran into party time and Jack the bro keeps interrupting all the women, making it even longer. What do you do?
Lock the door after you get him out of the office.
Tell him we're going to run out of beer and he has to get some more.
Tell him his ex is standing outside, yelling at him.
You're so, so sleepy and it's only 2:00 p.m. No one will be in the supply room before 4:00 p.m. The party is at 6:00 p.m. and you want to rock out hard. Do you take a nap inside of the closet?
I take a quick nap, care of motion sickness meds.
Energy drinks to the rescue!
Coffee and more coffee, please!
I will meditate and power through.
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