Rate These Auto Brands and We'll Guess What Car You Drive

By: Zoe Samuel

Rate These Auto Brands and We'll Guess What Car You Drive
Image: Tom Merton/OJO Images/GettyImages

About This Quiz

Companies from Unilever to the local takeout joint spend huge sums of money on branding. From crafting the perfect shingle to multi-million dollar television ads, branding is an applied use of psychology; an exercise in influencing intangible feelings. Branding is about a lot more than just liking or disliking a brand. Brands intend to build specific impressions of a company, much like how companies craft mission statements to make tangible their purpose and marketplace goals.

Brands aren't so much the products themselves, but ideas, like a mirage seen far off in the desert. Brands are the public face of a company, after it has carefully done its hair, put on its makeup, and gotten its Instagram lighting perfect. Whether we realize it or not, we believe in all sorts of nonsense cultivated by branding. Even though BMW, Audi, and Mercedes-Benz all make essentially the same product with the same features, one is seen as sporty, one as practical, and one as the height of luxury. Are these brand labels fair? Are they even accurate?

Accuracy doesn't matter when it comes to having an effective brand. This is fine. We will use this deliberately to question you, figure out how you've been influenced by auto branding, and from that, we will guess what car you own. Take the quiz and put our smarts to the test!

How does Acura strike you?
A bit pretentious
Fancy Honda
"I couldn't afford a Lexus."
Also-ran "lux" brand

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Does Volvo make you want to go Scandi?
Way too expensive
I don't care about safety to mortgage my house.
I might! They're finally fun to drive!
I may. They're so comfy.

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Is Lexus the "luxus" that Toyota wants us to think it is?
Yes, it is the real deal.
Yeah, but it's too phony for me.
Who wants to drive around in a spa?
It's still second fiddle to the Germans.

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Does Volkswagen speak to your people?
Yeah, but they don't get the mileage.
Yes, but they're not American, so I'll pass.
They just aren't sporty enough.
They're a little spare for me, thanks.

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Does Toyota put you to sleep?
No! They're a great value for the money.
Yes. Soulless, boring Ubers
Yes. Not exciting.
Do I look like a delivery guy?

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Do you like Audi enough to put a ring on it? How about four?
No. Expensive, gaudy garbage
Almost, if only it didn't need a Green Card to come here
Maybe, if it weren't so pricey
Why go for an Audi when you can have real German luxury from Stuttgart?

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Does Tesla electrify you?
Yes, but they need to have a history of reliability before I buy.
Absolutely! I'll buy one when I win the lottery.
No, they look like the 2001 Toyota Avalon.
In theory, but they lack any refinements, and they look like a Chinese knock-off of a Chevy from the 1990s.

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Would you hire a butler if he came from Bentley?
No. Bentleys are obscene.
If only I needed a butler
Maybe, if I was in a market for a butler made by Volkswagen
No, thanks. I'd rather get one from Rolls.

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Would you trust a Suzuki not to kill you?
Sure! They're made by a name brand!
Uh, no. They roll over more than a well-trained dog.
Maybe. Are the new ones less prone to killing their occupants?
No. They're beer cans on wheels.

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Is BMW your ultimate driving machine?
If only I had the spare cash for one
No, they're overrated German trash.
Yes, but only marginally so. You're paying for the badge.
Maybe the E40 was. Not anymore

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Do you feel the love for Subaru?
Oh yeah, if I wanted something for a trek!
Not really. They're just off road Toyotas.
Yes. If only their mileage were better.
They're fine if you're a suburbanite.

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Is Bugatti a brand to which you aspire?
What's Bugatti?
I'd rather have a Lambo!
Aren't they owned by VW?
Only if I had literally nothing else on which to spend money

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Are you a Saab snob?
Saab isn't for me. It's too odd.
I was a fan of their last 9-5.
I'd rather Volvo.
They were cool, in an odd way.

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Have you earned your Cadillac?
Nope. GM garbage with a fancy badge
If only I could afford one!
It's a shame they're killing off their sedans.
If I were to buy American, it would be a Caddy.

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Could you roll in a Rolls Royce?
No. I'm not an aging robber baron.
No, what if I scratch the paint? The deductible alone would be thousands!
No, it would be too wallowey.
Sure, when I can afford a chauffeur

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Would you see the USA in your Chevrolet?
No. Chevys are hot trash.
Sure! Chevy is the new Toyota, except not boring. Never boring.
If it's a C​amaro, sure.
I might​ if I can do it in a deluxe Impala

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Would you kick it in a Ram?
No, I'm not a contractor.
Sure, if I had space in my garage​
Probably not. Chrysler doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in build quality.
No, I have all my teeth.

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Would you get out of the way of Dodge?
Of course! It's probably being driven by a maniac on his way to a Darwin award.
I'd love a Dodge, but make it a Challenger, please.
The Charger is supposed to be OK, but the Hellcats and Demons are dumb.
Yeah, I'm steering clear of that badly built brand.

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Does Porsche make you want to call 911?
Do they make any cars that look different from one another?
Do they just put out the same car every year, and just say it's different?
Say what you will about their looks, Porsche makes some of the best cars in the world.
Say what you will about their excellent engineering, Porsche's designers have to be the laziest in the business.

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Does the oval brand make you want to Ford any river?
Maybe, now that they only make SUVs and trucks
I want to like Ford, but I can't bring myself to do so.
No, since they stopped making "cars"
I'd rather a Lincoln.

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Would you ride an upscale Nissan to Infiniti and beyond?
Maybe. They're priced competitively.
I don't think so. They're clearly designed by committee.
Sure! Lovely machines. I wish they made a fancy GT-R.
I'll skip the Johnny-come-lately also-ran of the Japanese lux brands.

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Do you rate Mitsubishi as a Zero, or a hero?
They're nice economy cars, if you want that.
They should stick to making refrigerators and reactors.
If only they made a car like the Zero, their plane from WWII.
Mitsubishi is like a poor Japanese version of BMW: overrated and not worth the money.

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Would you trust a Jeep to get you from point A to point B?
Not with all the recalls
Sure, I trust Jeep.
From Fiat-Chrysler? Nope!
I'll stick with a GLE, thanks.

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Does Kia's warranty make you worry or does it give you a does of confidence?
It's a great value, and worth considering.
They're great, I just don't see any heritage there.
If I were getting a new car, I'd have to think about that warranty.
They offer the warranty because you'll need it.

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Is Alfa Romeo your alpha?
I tend not to turn to Italy for automotive build quality, thanks.
Ha! Don't they just re-badge Japanese sports cars?
Maybe, once we know how reliable the new models are
Slap-dash budget nonsense. Get a used BMW instead.

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Are Fiats fab or faux?
Fab. Cheap and compact!
Fab! Their hot models are fun!
Faux. Poor build quality, and they don't feel safe.
I'm not in a Fellini film, thanks.

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Is Aston Martin your double O one?
No. Their only good car was a rebadged Toyota IQ.
I wish!
No, not cool
I'd consider their sedans.

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Does Jaguar make you want to leap or lie down?
They aren't worth the money new.
I'd lie down. It's too much car for me.
I'd leap on a used one!
I'll leap for the new ones.

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Does Land Rover make you want to disco, or does it make you want to walk?
Walk. Who needs that much luxury in a fancy pair of hiking boots?
They're fine if you're rich, which I'm not.
If you break anything, it costs a fortune to fix. It's not for me.
They'd be perfect, except for everything made in Germany, America, and Japan.

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Is Mini your mouse house, or is it just a small, expensive BMW?
I could live with one! If only I had less stuff and fewer family members!
I wish I could afford one. They are cool.
They're too small for my needs, thanks.
They're cute toys, but your money would be better spent on an actual BMW, if you want to go there. You've already got the awful BMW electronics.

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You Got:

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