Take Over the World and We'll Guess Which Historic Conqueror You Are

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
6 min
Take Over the World and We'll Guess Which Historic Conqueror You Are
Image: Wiki Commons by Jacques-Louis David

About This Quiz

Conquerors: history is littered with them. Just about every existing culture has produced at least one, and, one could argue, that's why their homeland still exists. Some conquerors wanted it all and played every last card they had. Other conquerors had very specific goals in mind when they got started and didn't bother going past them.

One thing most conquerors had in common is their willingness to stop at nothing to claim what they falsely believed was their right to take. From Columbus in what we now call the United States to the Roman emperors and the leaders in the Far East, conquerors fought and killed to get whatever it was they were after, nevermind if there were already people on the land, animals who would go extinct, or property that would be destroyed by their actions.

Some conquerors created a new paradigm, spawning thrones that generations of would-be emperors would fight over for centuries. Other conquerors were aberrant one-offs whose impact was limited to a few monuments and a cultural tradition here and there. There are conquerors whose names are recognizable even by those who didn't pay attention in history class, and then there are those who even the most astute historian would be hard pressed to recall.

In addition to their names and goals, conquerors had preferred methods, like certain criminals. Some leaned very heavily on one branch of the military. Others relied heavily on a technological edge. Some used intelligence extensively, while others blundered into victory in spite of a total lack of spies. Some conquerors conquered in the name of a god, and others did it in their own name. Here's the rub: if you tell us how you would conquer the world, we can tell you which historical conqueror you really are. Are you ready?

How would you assemble an army with which to conquer the world?
I'd call upon religious fundamentalists to rise up and aid me.
I'd find an aggrieved nation and turn it against an old enemy.
I'd rise through the ranks of a superpower and then stage a coup.
I'd take over a guerrilla movement through the strength of personality.

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Which nation's natural resources would you want to go after first?
Saudi Arabia
The United States
China
Germany

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How would you approach conquering Australia?
I'd call upon my people there to rise up, and while the locals are arguing about it, invade as though I'll have no help.
I'd march an army across Antarctica, then sail north to Australia under the cover of darkness.
I'd surround all their ports and hammer them with cannon fire until they surrendered.
I'd leave them for last.

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Into which branch of the military would you pour the most resources?
The Air Force
The Special Forces
The Artillery
The Navy

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Which nation would you sanction in order to get them to let you use their airspace?
South Korea
North Korea
Taiwan
Pakistan

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Which modern nation would you consider your greatest opponent?
China
The United States
Russia
Canada

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How would you deploy your spies in North America?
I'd infiltrate all the local temples of my religion and radicalize people.
I'd infiltrate the U.S. military and cause a coup right when I invade, which then turns power over to me.
I'd corrupt politicians at all levels and in all parties, create a totally dysfunctional government, and then offer the people to clean it all up for them.
I'd find the economic choke points and burn hem to the ground.

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With which superpower would you ally yourself, in order to keep them from turning on you until the endgame?
Russia
China
The United States
Britain

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How will you make your enemies look silly at the UN?
Hide an open can of tuna somewhere in their offices.
Krazy Glue all their laptops' power sockets.
Make up a fake language and mock them for not being able to speak it.
Order a thousand pizzas to their offices every day.

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Which nation would you capture for its tactical positioning?
Bermuda
Indonesia
India
Yemen

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When invading China, which part would you take first?
The northwest
Beijing
The industrial south
Sichuan, China's breadbasket

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How would you cement your rule in a major industrialized nation once you captured it?
Give everybody a free uniform from my military
Hold a dance party
Build roadways and monuments
TP their houses until they submit

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How would you go about getting the conquered people of China on your side?
Publish damning information on their former leaders, to anger the people against the old status quo.
Lead them in "their own revolution" and install a democratically elected puppet.
Take on parts of their culture as my own, and spread it to other lands I conquered just as I do the same for other nations.
Destroy all the old monuments and vestiges of the old regime.

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How would you win the hearts of the Americans you conquered?
Show them how pious I am.
Kick the butt of an old enemy of theirs, like the British.
Give them the social programs and legal protections they want but the old system would not give them.
Punish the unpunished from their old civilization.

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What would you do about Vladimir Putin?
Bring him on our side until the end of the global war.
After extensive spying, put an impersonator in the Kremlin. During the confusion, declare war.
Use his love of dogs to soften his stone cold heart.
Secretly replace his translator with a therapist who can get him to resolve the issues he clearly has.

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In which kind of military hardware would you invest?
The four-wheeled, driving equivalent of fire ships, in drone form
Futuristic weapons like exoskeletons and guns that shoot around corners
Space-based artillery
Tomahawks for everyone

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What's your secret weapon, used only in desperate times?
Dank memes
Body odor
Ghost peppers
My cybernetic arm

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What would your cyberwarfare campaign focus on?
Hospitals
The power grid
Government agencies
Air Traffic Control

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How would you deploy your spies in South America?
Learn all the native dances
Build a zip line through the Amazon for my army
Have them enter politics
Have them go undercover as spies from another country, who get caught.

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If western Europe surrendered to you without a fight, how would their lives improve?
High-speed internet for all the little towns
I would not harm them or their property.
Make it law that dogs are allowed everywhere
Create a commission to assess the size of France's strategic cheese reserve

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How would you reign in a continent like Africa?
Turn Africa into the number one producer of nail polish.
Turn the DRC into the world's most amazing water park!
Build a super-railway from Suez to Johannesburg with free tickets for everyone.
I would host a reality show where the winners get to rule the provinces.

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How would you use South America, strategically speaking?
I would house my version of NORAD there.
I would put my capital city there.
I would use it for military training and industry.
I would let the invisible hand of the market decide.

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What out of the box element would you incorporate into your strategy of global domination?
I would found a new religion.
I would engage in high-risk attacks.
I would wage a relentless war without pause.
I would use armies of infiltrators with hand weapons to attack modern military installations.

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How will you win over world leaders, in order to turn them into your vassals?
Take them on a golfing junket and they'll eat out of my hand.
Bribes with bribes on them
Create a fake internet so they think they're still in charge, but really they're in The Matrix.
Never go off Daylight Saving Time. Everyone seems to like it.

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What sort of monuments would you build in the nations you conquered by force?
Temples
Central squares
Triumphal arches
Piles of ash

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How much of the world would you conquer before offering the rest a chance to let you take them peacefully?
75%
50%
70%
99%

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How long a campaign would you plan to have?
20 years
6 months
12 years
The rest of my life

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How would you reward your army after a successful conquest?
I think a nice pat on the back should work.
A job well done is reward enough.
Gift certificates to Six Flags!
Annual parades, involving the throwing of glitter

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Which nation would you conquer for its technology and industrial capabilities?
Japan
The UK
USA
Russia

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What are the odds your war would just blow up the whole world and send us all screaming into the dark ages?
It's almost certain.
It's totally certain.
It's fairly likely.
I think the risks are overblown. What could possibly go wrong?

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You Got:

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