Tell Us How You Handle Conflict and We'll Tell You Your Wrestling Name

By: Mark Lichtenstein
Estimated Completion Time
5 min
Someone ate your sandwich. You know who it was. What do you do?
I eat them.
I scream at them.
I plot my revenge.
I get my friends to gang up on them.

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If someone cuts you off in traffic, do you do it back?
I run them off the road.
I shout obscenities at them and spit on their car.
I follow them home and burn their car when they get out.
I take a photo of their car and flame them online.

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Do you ever get sucked into Facebook fights?
Once a week
Every day
No, I just note the argument and put together a dossier.
Only if I can wrangle backup.

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How about Twitter rows?
Twitter is my glory.
I stalk people I hate on Twitter.
No, but I screenshot things and them bring them up later.
Only if I can get a lot of followers to back me before I go into it.

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Someone wrote an article and they're being wrong on the internet! Can you go to bed while this is happening?
No! I will post memes all night!
I will nail them with a potent argument.
I will write a screen discrediting them and post it on Medium.
I will get all my friends to post that it is wrong.

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Do you bear a grudge?
No, I take out my fury immediately.
I get everything off my chest and keep out a wary eye.
I do.
I do, if I can't get my boys to pound on the subject of my ire.

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What is the best revenge?
Revenge
Vengeance
The best revenge is served cold.
A steel chair to the head

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Who is forgiveness for: the victim or the perp?
It's for losers.
It's for the perp.
It's for the victim.
It's for me.

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Do you say sorry a lot?
Never
Rarely
In the moment, but I don't mean it.
Only to my friends

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Are you a good liar?
No, I wear my feelings on my face.
No, I wear my feelings on my sleeve.
Yes, my face is a mask of serenity.
Yes, because I'm always plotting.

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Have you ever stabbed someone in the back at work when they didn't know who did it?
No, I want them to know it was me.
No, I want it to be public so no one challenges me.
Yes, plenty of times.
Yes, because I'll have someone else do it so I have plausible deniability.

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Your partner has left a mess then gone out. Do you just tidy it up and not say anything?
I put it all in their bed.
I put an insulting sign on it.
I throw it all away, even if it includes valuables.
I get my friends together and we put it all on the roof.

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How many times do you say it nicely before you say it not-so-nicely?
Does zero count?
Once, then I explode.
Once, then I plot.
Once, then I bring the army in.

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Would you mind dating someone with very different political views?
I would inevitably kill them.
I love arguing! It'd be great.
I would mind it, because then revenge would take up too much of my time.
I couldn't handle it.

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Do you sort of love letting loose on someone?
Sort of? Ha!
I do.
No, the joy is in the craft of the attack, not the execution.
Only when someone else is cheering for me.

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A man on the subway is wearing a huge backpack with lots of compartments and straps all over it. He is shoving people out of his way. He leans against the subway pole so no one else can touch it. What do you do?
I open the backpack so it all spills out onto the floor, push the guy over, and book as the train doors close.
I pick on his looks and tell him to hurt himself.
I clip his bag to the pole so he has a nice surprise when he tries to leave.
I get everyone's attention and shame the man into moving.

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Do you have a few witty comebacks up your sleeve?
No, but I have a pair of brass knuckles.
So many, it's nuts.
A few, but I prefer to play the long game.
Yes, but they aren't that good, so I need a loyal cheering section to laugh at them.

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Have you ever spread a rumor you knew wasn't true, because the other person deserved it?
I don't do rumors.
No, I prefer the direct approach.
Yes, that's my M.O.
I'll only do it with the help of confederates.

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Do you ever get mad at animals?
Cats, mostly
I hate birds.
No, animals are... useful.
My dog makes me mad all the time. I took it for a walk like three weeks ago! What does it want from me?

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Have you ever gone to therapy?
I did, and my therapist jumped out of an open window.
I did, and my therapist jumped out of a closed window.
No, there is nothing wrong with me.
Therapy is for the weak.

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Have you ever had military training?
No, just hockey
Yes, I was a section 8.
Yes, and I mastered the tactics.
No, I just grew up in a rough neighborhood.

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Do you meditate?
Like Dhalsim in Street Fighter II
No, I just run with my feelings.
Like a samurai
No, I just pray for forgiveness.

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What helps you to calm down?
The taste of someone else's pain
Getting my feelings off my chest
Plotting
Alcohol

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How do you let out your rage?
In explosive bursts
In words
I internalize it.
I get in others' faces.

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Have you ever been in a real fight?
No
I've managed to avoid them.
A few
Loads, but I had backup.

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Have you ever committed a crime?
No
I haven't been convicted!
I haven't been caught.
I had a good patsy.

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Have you ever impulsively told your boss what you think of them?
No
Yes, several times, because I get fired a lot.
No, I keep it to myself so no one knows who put the bag of dog mess in the boss's desk.
No, my boss isn't someone you mess with.

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Are you passive-aggressive?
No, I'm aggressive-aggressive.
No, I keep it real.
Yes, very
Sometimes I am.

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Are you sarcastic?
No!
Sometimes, if I want to use sarcasm to hurt someone.
Only sometimes.
Yeah, plenty of the time.

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Do you journal?
I do it, in blood.
I write about my adventures.
I write about my plots.
No, what am I, a teenager?

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