Tell Us Your Secrets and We'll Guess Your Chinese Zodiac Sign!

By: Teresa M.

Tell Us Your Secrets and We'll Guess Your Chinese Zodiac Sign!
Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

Don't even try to pretend that you are a human without a secret. Everyone has secrets! You might not want to go around parading them for the world to see, and we are very sensitive to your need for confidence. Nonetheless, it's good for the soul to get our secrets off our chests, and to communicate them to another person. We are here for you. 

Not only are we in your corner, but we will also be able to translate your deepest, darkest secrets into the Chinese Zodiac animal you are. As much as we would like to tell you how we do it, our secret must remain safe with the oracle readers and truth sayers of the world wide web. Just know that we have the authority to harbor your secrets until the last bear stands in the woods. The things you choose to share with us will not pass our lips again. We will remain as quiet as a snake in the grass.

Which one of the 12 Chinese Zodiac animals are you really most like at heart? Trust us with all your rights and wrongs, and we'll take our best guess. Make like a monkey and quiz with curiosity!

Have you ever stolen anything?
I stole a pack of gum once when I was a kid.
I've helped myself to something that wasn't mine once or twice.
I've eaten grapes out of the package before I pay.
I am not answering this question.

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What the dumbest thing you have done while drinking?
I have never had enough to drink to do anything stupid.
I threw up in an inappropriate place once.
I sent a drunk text to an ex.
I had a one-night stand.

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What do you wear to bed?
I wear attractive lingerie.
I wear an old t-shirt.
I wear sweatpants.
I wear pajamas.

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What do you do on work time that you shouldn't do?
I make personal phone calls.
I shop online.
I take shortcuts.
I take extra long breaks.

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Have you ever broken the law?
I am guilty of speeding.
I'm sure I have breezed through a red light.
I have accidentally shoplifted.
I have smoked pot in public.

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Have you ever had a crush on your best friend's significant other?
I can honestly say that I have not.
I had a crush on my high school best friend's date.
I currently have a crush on my best friend's partner.
I secretly have a crush on my best friend.

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What do you really think of your boss?
My boss is a jerk.
I think my boss is a great person.
I am the boss. I'm great.
I'm not sure I can use those words here.

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Which of the following gets under your skin the most?
I can't stand it when people lie to me.
It drives me crazy when people are constantly late.
I cannot stand it when people play the victim.
I don't like lazy people.

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What animal are you most like when you're hungry?
Bear
Sloth
Vulture
Cow

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If you found $100 on the street, what would you do?
I would look for the owner.
I would put it in my pocket.
I would wait for a while, but if no one claimed it I would pick it up.
I would keep walking.

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Which award might you actually win?
Most Sarcastic
Most Likely to Hurt Themselves
Best Procrastinator
Loudest Chewer

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Have you ever paid a server without leaving a tip?
I always leave a tip.
My food was cold, so I didn't leave a tip.
I don't tip rude servers.
I was too broke to leave a tip once.

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Have you ever had inappropriate thoughts about a coworker?
I have wished a coworker would never come back again.
I have thought about one of my coworkers nude.
I have thought about putting a snake in my coworker's drawer.
I am just waiting to rat a coworker out.

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Do you miss your ex at all?
I don't miss my ex one tiny bit.
My ex is still my friend.
I really miss my ex a lot.
I do miss my ex once in a while.

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What do you really think of children?
I really love children.
I like other people's children.
My kids are cool, but I can't wait until they grow up.
Children are the future.

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What part of your body do you secretly think is smoking hot?
It's no secret!
My butt is a work of art.
The gods made my eyes.
To be honest, the whole package is a wonder to behold.

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How many lies do you tell a day?
0-5
6-10
11-15
16 or more.

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If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
I would call my boss and quit.
I would book a plane to a private island.
I would call my lawyer.
I would go on an enormous shopping spree.

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How do you secretly feel about your neighbors?
My neighbors are very strange.
My neighbors are extremely annoying.
I like my neighbors.
My neighbors are far too nosy.

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What have you ordered online that you wouldn't want anyone to know about?
I have ordered holiday gifts.
I've ordered adult only items.
I have ordered drugs.
I can't remember ordering anything I would need to keep secret.

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Do you secretly have money stashed away?
I might have a little something put away.
It's always a good idea to save.
No, I'm open about my finances.
No, but that's a good idea!

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Do you really keep secrets when someone asks you to stay mum?
It depends on the secret.
I am horrible with secrets.
I tell my significant other everything.
I get too excited and spill the beans sometimes.

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Are you good at hiding your feelings?
I can hold them in for a while, then I explode!
I'm terrible at hiding my feelings.
I am rather stoic.
I can hide some of them, but not others.

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What are you most secretive about?
I'm most secretive about my relationships.
I like to keep my money to myself.
I prefer to keep my problems under wraps.
I don't really have a lot of secrets.

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How much time do you spend online every day?
I don't spend much time online.
I spend far too much time on the internet.
I spend at least 8 hours a day online.
I spend about two hours a day online.

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What are you most afraid of?
Spiders
Mice
Snakes
Scorpions

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What would you rather like to be doing right now?
I would rather be sleeping.
I would rather be eating ice cream.
I would rather be doing anything but this.
I would rather be traveling.

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What percent evil do you think you might be?
15%
35%
75%
85%

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Are you more confident or more insecure?
I'm somewhere in the middle.
I'm more confident.
I'm a little more on the insecure side.
I am insecure about a few things, but confident about even more.

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What would you change about your job?
I would like to make more money.
I would like to work less.
I would like a different boss.
I am beyond due for a promotion.

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You Got:

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