What % of a Bloke Are You?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
5 min
What % of a Bloke Are You?
Image: gilaxia/ E+/ Getty Images

About This Quiz

It seems blokishness is always under threat. "Sophistication," an ever-changing word, infringes on the simple things in life, threatening to over-egg the pudding of perfection that is blokedom. Being a bloke hasn't always meant the same thing, and today, as in other ages, it has taken on characteristics formerly associated with other types of men, even dandies.

Blokes are as much made as they are born. Thousands of documented cases of blokes being forced to conform to other ways of life litter the scientific literature, threatening to make the life of the average bloke a life under threat of sparkling white wine and duvet covers. The life of the bloke is as tied to the environmental factors as any creature, and climate change, with its increased pressures on resources and new demands on labour forces, may make the lives of blokes so complicated that through adaptation, they cease to be blokes all together. Preparing for an age when blokes will have to forgo the long-held activities deemed the hallmarks of the bloke means drilling down to the essence of what a bloke is and distilling some deeper meaning from it.

Know how much of a bloke you are. Be scientific about it. Let us determine what percentage bloke you are.

Question 1 - sheets
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How often do you change your sheets?
I'm supposed to change them?
When they are dirty
Once a week
Every other day

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Question 2 - car
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What have you named your car?
Imogen
The Beast
The Mach Rocket
The Mondeo

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Question 3 - mum
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On what occasion do you usually see your mum?
I have lunch or dinner with her once a week.
I see her once a month, but I speak with her more often than that.
I see her every now and then ... a few times a year.
I don't see her often or at all.

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Question 4 - favourite football club
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How do you react upon seeing fans of a rival of your favourite football club, dressed in their full fan regalia?
I shout a good-natured joke at them and then run like hell.
I start singing their song with them, deliberately messing up the words so they can't choke it out.
I walk past them, secure in my superiority.
I flee them! They're Milwall fans!

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Question 5 - A tropical paradise
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If you could work from anywhere on Earth, where would you work?
My shed
My garage
My local
A tropical paradise

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Question 6 - Top Gear
BBC
To which old "Top Gear" host do you feel a kinship?
James May
Jeremy Clarkson
Richard Hammond
The Stig

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Question 7 - Legos
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Remember your childhood? Which toy would you still love to play with today if you had it at hand?
Meccano
Legos
My sled
A cap gun

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Question 8 - home is on fire
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Your home is on fire! What do you run in to save?
My dog!
My laptop!
My heirloom!
My proof of insurance!

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Question 9 - audio
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To what audio do you listen in the morning?
Led Zeppelin
News radio
Songs from my childhood
The television

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Question 10 - Saturday
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What's your idea of a great Saturday night?
Putting a turbocharger in my dishwasher
Building a trebuchet out of athletic supporters
Going to the pub to be with friends
Going clubbing

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Question 11 - tuxedo
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You have to go to a black tie event. What do you wear?
I rent a tuxedo.
I wear the dinner jacket I inherited from my grandfather. It just about fits me ...
I wear the tuxedo I've owned for 25 years.
I wear my smoking jacket.

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Question 12 - tea
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How rude of us! How do you take your tea?
Builder's, thanks
Milk, no sugar
Loads of sugar, but no milk, please
May I have a green tea made with distilled water and just a hint of lemon essence?

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Question 13 - trousers
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How old are the trousers you are currently wearing?
I think they can vote ...
Seven years, at least ...
I've had them a couple of years, I think. I don't really know.
I've had them a few months.

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Question 14 - toolbox
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Gear is critical. What item do you spend the most time maintaining?
My toolbox! Everything needs to be cleaned and oiled!
My car. It's old, but it's still got some life in it.
My computer. I need it for my job.
My phone. It's a mess!

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Question 15 - newspaper
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You've opened the newspaper. Which of the following newspaper items would catch your eye?
Sale On TORX Screwdrivers
Ersatz Petrol Perfected: Climate Change Solved
BBC To Remake "The Sweeney"
Brexit Negotiations Completed

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Question 16 - dating young
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Your best friend is dating someone who is significantly younger and less powerful than them. What is your reaction?
I quietly ask them if their health is OK.
Tell them they should date someone who isn't essentially at their mercy.
Encourage them to have fun with their new partner, but silently judge them for it.
I wouldn't have a reaction.

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Question 17 - public transport
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For whom do you always give up your seat on public transport?
The disabled
Pregnant women
The elderly
No one! I pay my taxes! I deserve a seat!

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Question 18 - steak dinner
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If you had to give up one food for life, with which of the following would you be willing to part?
Chocolate
Cheese
Chips
Meat

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Question 19 - movie
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What kind of movie you have to see the weekend it comes out?
Anything about racing
I like historical dramas, like movies about WW2.
I don't know an exact film specifically but it would have to be both fast and furious.
I can't get enough of romcoms.

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Question 20 - 1990s music
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When did "they" make the best music?
The 1970s
The 1920s
The 1990s
Today, of course!

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Question 21 - Matches and a compass
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Which two items do you always have on your person?
Pen and paper
Matches and a compass
Magnifier and a flashlight
Lip balm and a comb

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Question 22 - friend advice
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What is your first impulse when a friend comes to you with a problem?
Fix it
Find the inner problem
Just listen
Ignore them

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Question 23 - neighbor's house is on fire
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Your neighbor's house is on fire! What do you run into the blaze to save?
Their dog!
The lawnmower they borrowed from me!
Their children!
Their cat!

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Question 24 - appliance repair
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What is the biggest household appliance you have repaired on your own?
My boiler
My refrigerator
My dishwasher
My toilet

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Question 25 - heirloom
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What is your most treasured heirloom?
A watch I inherited
A book I inherited
A jacket I inherited
Money I inherited

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Question 26 - politician
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A politician comes to your door seeking your vote. Do you let them in?
No. I say I'm with the Monster Raving Loony Party and quack at them.
No, I tell them I'm not home.
No, I confront them, call them names, and slam the door.
Of course! Would they like some tea?

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Question 27 - highest virtue
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A philosophical turn: What is the highest virtue?
Integrity
Kindness
Loyalty
Bravery

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Question 28 - computer fail
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We all do silly things. Which of the following acts resembles something you did, and made you feel like a numpty?
I broke something valuable that belonged to my in-laws and hid it.
I told a joke that offended my boss. They were there.
I accidentally gave a friend's seat to a stranger in a movie theater.
I accidentally formatted my computer's hard drive.

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Question 29 - barber
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For what haircut do you ask your barber?
"Just don't make me look an idiot."
"Short back and sides."
"Make it neat."
"Fauxhawk, please."

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Question 30 - work argument
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A colleague has issued a veiled threat! How do you react?
I don't take it seriously at all.
I laugh and walk away.
I point to them as if to say "Good joke!" and walk away.
I plot my terrible revenge. The war is on!

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