What % Trash Panda Are You?

By: Ian Fortey

What % Trash Panda Are You?
Image: Walt Disney

About This Quiz

Far too many people in life have underestimated the mighty raccoon, and it shows. The reason so many people consider them a nuisance animal is that they're smarter than other animals. Your average alley cat or squirrel doesn't have the intelligence to rise to the level of a nuisance. But a raccoon does. They can use their little hands to open doors and sneak into places they don't belong. Studies have even shown raccoons can remember how to solve problems even years after they encountered them. They can also swim like they were born in the water and run at speeds of up to 15 miles per hour. They're fierce when challenged and also pretty good parents when it comes to showing their little ones the ropes of how to raid your trash can for premium, tasty garbage. 

We should be admiring the raccoon, even if it really earns the nickname "trash panda" for all the effort it puts into making a mess and eating junk. They're smart, crafty, and also pretty adorable. Just don't try to hug one in the wild, it'll be bad news. We should all aspire to be a little more like the noble raccoon. Want to know how much like one you are? Take the quiz and see!

No one will ever know how you answered this, so be honest. Have you ever eaten something that had thoroughly violated the 5-second rule?
Oh man, all kinds of things!
Sorta, yeah
Never!
Like one time!

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Let's say you just woke up after an epic party and the house is a mess, but there's still pizza sitting out from last night. Are you eating some?
Of course!
Pizza never goes bad, so yeah.
I'll pass.
I have to heat it up, though.

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Without going to check, can you confirm that right at this moment your bathroom is spotless?
Nah, it's a nightmare.
It could probably use a cleaning.
Yes, I can.
I cannot confirm that, no.

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How often would you say you change the sheets on your bed?
Man. I can't remember when I did that last.
I'm not 100% sure.
Every 2 weeks
Once a month

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Do you know how long you should wash your hands, according to the CDC?
Oh, wow. Like two minutes?
A minute sounds good.
Lather with soap for 20 seconds
I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea.

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Some folks are morning people and some aren't. What's your time of day?
Definitely late at night
I like the evening.
I'm totally a morning person.
I like the afternoon.

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So, have you ever stolen anything?
Maybe. Which is to say yes. Several things.
A long time ago
Never
Just once

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Are you good with your hands?
Oh yeah, I'm pretty great with my hands.
I'm no slouch.
I have no skill at craftsmanship.
I'm not the worst but not great by any means.

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Do you feel like you have a bad temper or not?
I can get pretty riled up.
Sometimes, if I get pushed.
Not in the least
I have a temper, but it's not terrible.

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What time did you go to bed last Saturday?
Around dawn
2 a.m. or so
Before 12
After midnight

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Do you like going for hikes in the wilderness?
Love it!
Sometimes, sure
Not really
I have to be in the right mood.

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Have you ever seen something in someone else's garbage that was so interesting you had to pull it out for a closer look?
Plenty of times
Yeah, once or twice
Of course not
Just one time. But I didn't keep it or anything.

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Would you eat yogurt that expired yesterday?
Sure! Expiration dates are more suggestions than anything else.
Yesterday? Yeah, that's not an issue.
No thanks!
Maybe, if it passed the smell test.

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What's the longest you've ever gone without a shower?
Around a week
Three days
One day
Two days

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Raccoons are surprisingly adept in the water. Are you a good swimmer?
I'm like a fish!
Pretty good, yeah
I don't know how to swim.
I can doggie paddle!

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Do you wash your feet in the shower?
Nope
Not unless they look grungy
Yes, when else would I wash them?
Sometimes!

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How many bags of garbage does your house produce in a week?
Too many
Maybe 3
Just one
A couple

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Straight up, are you pretty sneaky?
I'm super sneaky.
I have some sneak skills.
Not really
If I put in the effort, I can be.

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Do you have decent survival skills? If we dumped you in the woods with no cellphone or food would you be OK?
I'd thrive!
I'd manage.
I'd be doomed.
I would not do well.

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Are you a scrapper? Ever been in a fight before?
Lots of times!
Once or twice
Never
Only to defend myself.

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Do you look good in faux fur?
I look great!
Not bad
Never tried it
I assume so.

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Are you leery of dark alleys at night?
Nah, I'm good walking down dark alleys.
Not if I know the neighborhood.
Why would anyone go down a dark alley?
I avoid them if I can.

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Do you consider yourself an animal person?
I love animals!
I'm good with most animals.
Not really
Dogs and cats, sure

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If you're making yourself a salad, are you washing all the veggies before you use them?
Definitely!
That's not really important.
I usually do.
If I think of it.

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How do you let people know if they're getting on your nerves?
I'm pretty vocal.
I can be standoffish.
I avoid the situation.
I'll clam up.

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What do you spend most of your time doing in the winter?
Sleeping
I don't do a ton.
I love being out in the winter!
Usually, I'm inside reading or watching TV.

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What's your opinion on camping?
It's the best!
I like to go every now and then.
Hate it!
I might go every few years.

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Pick the coolest panda bear name!
Bao Bao
Zhen Zhen
Po
Chi Chi

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Obviously, Rocket is the coolest Guardian of the Galaxy. Who's second best?
Groot
Mantis
Starlord
Gamora

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"Trash panda" is probably the most famous nickname for a raccoon. Which of these lesser known names do you like?
Dumpster Panda
Tanuki
I don't like nicknames.
Raku

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You Got:

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