What Kind of Junk Food Are You?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
3 min
What Kind of Junk Food Are You?
Image: Emilija Manevska / Moment / Getty Images

About This Quiz

Junk food is everywhere. We have been eating junk food all of our lives. We have looked deeply into the abyss, in movie theaters, at gas stations, and on Halloween. Has the abyss looked back? Has it looked into us?  Through us? Have we become the abyss? That's today's question!

Junk food comes in a host of varieties, from bacon-wrapped hot dogs, to straight up candy. Junk food is big business, with Americans alone spending billions of dollars on everything from little chocolate candies to expensive, handmade chocolate sculptures. One's preferred junk food vices say much, like one's income, one's level of self-care, and one's tastes. Not everyone likes Skittles, but everyone likes milk chocolate, right?

Don't worry; we won't be quizzing you at length on your favorite junk foods. We have worked out a series of questions, and yes, some have to do with junk food, that will triangulate your behaviors. This will allow us to determine what junk food has taken hold in your soul and begun to spread inside of you, a part of you. When we're through with you, we will be able to say with total certainty what junk food you really are!

How old fashioned are you?
Fairly old fashioned
Very old fashioned
As old as the hills
I'm the new kid in town!

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How patriotic are you?
I'm a citizen of the world.
Only a bit
Not very
I'm so patriotic! It's nuts!

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How religious are you?
Fairly
Very
Not at all
I'm basically a priest.

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Do you have a tough center?
I'm a softy.
I'm very tough.
I break under pressure.
I can take the heat.

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How likable are you?
Who wouldn't like me?
Not very
Some people look at me and just have it in for me.
Everyone loves me.

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What's the closest thing to your job title?
Manager
Laborer
Creative
PR

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What industry is closest to the one you work in?
Civil service
Heavy industry
New media
Service industry

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What best describes where you live?
A major city
The middle of nowhere
Suburbia
A second tier city

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How big is your family?
Huge
I have no one.
Tight
Not enormous, but we live all over.

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What's closest to the car you drive?
A Jag
A GMC Yukon
A Dodge Charger
A Ford F-150 Raptor

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Which of these movie genres do you like the best?
Period pieces
Dance-off movies
Horror movies
Blockbusters

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How much TV do you watch in a typical day?
An hour
Two hours
Three hours
17 hours!

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Which of these is your favorite musical genre?
Alternative pop
Country
Techno
Rock and roll

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What's your favorite TV show?
"The Great British Bake-Off"
"Pawn Stars"
"Suits"
"The Man In The High Castle"

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How healthy is your diet?
Very
Average, I guess
It's balanced.
Terrible. I'm not doing well if I'm honest.

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How often do you replace your smartphone?
When it's not working so well anymore
When it breaks
When my contract is up
When Apple orders me to

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Do you have a landline at home?
Sure
It's my only line.
Not in a while
Not ever!

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How fast was your first internet connection?
9600 baud
300 baud
DSL
4G!

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What kind of game do you like best?
Chess
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Darts
Eve Online

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How do you get your news?
The paper
Radio
TV
Facebook

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How worldly are you?
Very
Not at all
Somewhat
I've seen it all.

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What is your creative outlet?
I play the violin.
I whittle.
Dancing
I'm Banksy.

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Which of these dogs would you be willing to own?
A labrador
A doberman
A German shepherd
A golden retriever

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How do you prefer to take notes?
In fountain pen
In ballpoint
With a pencil
With my phone. I don't wear a stovepipe hat!

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What medicine do you take on the reg?
Ibuprofen
Allergy meds
Cortisone
Pills for my lactose intolerance

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How do you listen to music?
On my stereo speakers
In my truck
Through my premium wired headphones
On my wireless earbuds, like someone from this year!

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How polarizing are you?
Not at all
Very. People love or hate me.
Only among certain people
Only a little

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What kind of food do you like to have delivered?
Thai food
Mexican food
Pizza!
Chinese

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How do you prefer to pay for large purchases?
Cash
Check
Plastic
Contactless payment

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When do you like to eat junk food?
Any day ending in Y
When it's in arm's reach
When I can smell it
When I feel like I deserve it, which is always.

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You Got: