What Kind of Christian Are You?

By: Tasha Moore
Estimated Completion Time
6 min
1-congregation As the congregation is reciting scripture in church, what do you do?
I wing it.
I recite it in three different languages simultaneously with my eyes closed.
I take a peek from one of the church's Bibles.
While scripture is read I shout, "What does that mean; who said that; is that from the Old or New Testament?"

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2-Singing Your pastor wants you to lead everyone in song. What do you sing?
I don't sing. I moan, and everyone admires how deeply spiritual I am.
I wish I could lead. I don't know of any songs.
"Amazing Grace"
"Glory, Glory, Hallelujah"

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3-Seat Do you sit in the same seat every Sunday?
I don't sit in the same church every Sunday.
"Same seat" is my seat.
I stand in anticipation of everything.
No

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13-Church When do you find the time to visit other churches?
There's no better time than the present!
When I happen to pass by, running my daily errands.
I hope to find the time soon.
They all come unto me.

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4-Pastor How does the pastor refer to you?
Not at all
You over there
First name basis
Official church title

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20-Cooking Do other members love your cooking?
Maybe I'll start cooking for the church after I get to know everyone a little better.
I'll tell you when they tell me.
There's no need for me to admit that.
There's no need for me to ask about my cooking.

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12-People How special are your relationships with other church members?
I don't have any as of yet.
They know to stay in their places, so it works.
There's nothing special about them.
I value them more than anything.

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5-Church Do you cherish church holidays?
Those are just ordinary days.
Still figuring out why I cherish them, but I do.
All in attendance cherish me on those days. It's so great!
I'm not so sure what those days are about.

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6-Visitors Are visitors welcomed at your church?
I hope so!
I wish we were.
I have no idea.
Sure! As long as they don't sit in my seat and eat my extra slice of cake at lunch.

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7-Pray Has anyone ever asked you to pray for them?
I don't take requests.
Right after they prayed for me
Probably
Heavens no!

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8-Church Who do you rely on for spiritual advice?
Church members who sit in the same seat every Sunday
The mirror
My favorite gospel song
The pastor stopped taking my calls after a while.

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9-Church Clothes What type of clothes are you most comfortable wearing to church?
The finest threads
I don't know yet.
Just about anything will do.
I hope I've been wearing the right thing.

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10-Church Do you know of any unspoken rules in your church?
Who cares?
Yes. I'm trying to figure them out but everyone's silent about them.
There are unspoken rules?
I authored them.

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11-Pews Can you be honest about why you're a church member?
I've come too far to turn back now.
To learn from the best
Can't beat the free meal once a week.
I've waited too long to join.

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14-Church You're the one who always volunteers to pick up and drive members to church, right?
LOL! Thanks for the laugh!
Every time I volunteer, travel-challenged members hide from me.
I don't know where other members live.
Only if you have gas money, only if you live along my route and only if I feel like it.

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15-Pastor For how long have you been on the pastor's committee?
Since never
Since forever
I've been told that I'm on that but I don't know for how long.
It costs too much money to join that elite group.

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16-Church When it comes to keeping your church clean and spotless, what are you willing to contribute?
I don't stick around long enough to notice the need for cleaning.
If I see some trash, I'll say something.
My spotless presence
I'd gladly clean, but no one will show me where the cleaning supplies are kept.

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17-Church What is the best time to speak during church service?
At the end
It's always OK to ask questions out loud the very second that you don't understand something.
It's different for every church, I know that much.
Whenever I feel like it

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18-Church Meal Do you look forward to sharing a meal with your fellow members after service?
I can never find the food.
Only if they serve the macaroni I like
I don't stick around for that.
After-service luncheon is served in my honor.

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19-Church Do you know where your church kitchen is located?
Yes. It's always there to service my needs.
I barely know where the church bathroom is, let alone the kitchen.
One day we shall meet.
I wish I didn't.

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21-Church Candle What place does church gossip have in your life?
It's my prime reason for going to church.
Church gossip tends to backfire, so I've stopped doing it.
Can't we all just get along?
Why on Earth would anyone gossip in a place like church?

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22-Prayer What kind of prayer do you do in church?
One eye closed and the other eye on anybody trying to get close to pastor.
A slight murmur with eyes wide open. I like to see what everyone is wearing without anyone noticing.
What's the best prayer to do?
I haven't paid attention.

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23-Church Hat Describe the nicest hat that you've ever worn to church.
It's not that serious for me.
The smaller the brim, the better so that you can see everything without obstruction.
The wider the brim, the better
Baseball cap

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24-Collection Plate The offering plate is being passed around; what do you do?
One day I'll get to contribute.
I put in 10% of my weekly earnings, just as I was told to do when I joined the church.
Put in a $10 bill, take out two fives.
I place my butterscotch candy wrapper in that receptacle.

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25-Church Give a good reason why you'd need to move around the church during service.
To arrive late, or to leave early
Gas
I get the evil eye whenever I do it, so I don't think there's a good reason.
Because I want to.

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26-Church Member Pastor personally asks you to sub for a missing member. Which church task is out of the question?
Whatever pastor needs me to do, I'll gladly do it.
How much does it pay?
All tasks are out of the question.
And I'll say, "Sure I will, but don't hold your breath!"

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27-Church Who is responsible for keeping order in the church?
Pastor
Seasoned members
No one
Me

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28-Church Have you ever asked the church secretary for help?
I don't have to ask.
The church secretary is only for pastors and those with special seat status.
All the time
Never

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29-Church What percentage of your life does church take up?
10 to 15%
A strong 75%
99.999%
Barely 50%

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30-Priest Every church has a list of rituals that members are expected to perform. Are there any rituals that you won't do?
I invent the church rituals, I don't perform them.
There's nothing I won't do.
Shake hands with visitors
How do I find out about these rituals?

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