Image: Shutterstock
About This Quiz
Whether your motto is some fine Latin phrase about honor, or simply your favorite rap lyrics, your family needs a coat of arms to symbolize its values. What's yours?
What is your family known for?
Recovering from hardship and giving back
We were minstrels back in the day, now we work in showbiz.
We blend into our surroundings and don't take crap from anyone.
We are very modern in our thinking, and we like fishing.
When did you come to America?
400 years ago, and not by choice
130 years ago, due to a pogrom
90 years ago, because the economy collapsed back home
40 years ago, for opportunities
Advertisement
How artistic is your family?
Fairly: it kept us sane.
Very: it's our calling.
Not very: we had other priorities.
A little: we appreciate it.
What sitcom describes your family?
I Love Lucy
The Andy Griffith Show
Fawlty Towers
Arrested Development
Advertisement
Which real-life royal house do you swear fealty to?
If they were still around, the house of Mansa Abubakari and family.
Windsor
None, we don't believe in that.
Yamato
Were your ancestors sailors?
Not voluntarily, but technically yes
Yes, we ruled the waves.
Yes, it was a job, you know?
Yes, we had fishing boats.
Advertisement
Did they mostly live in the city?
No, they wished!
No, they lived in the countryside.
They moved to the city as soon as the Industrial Revolution got going.
They lived in a small village.
Does your clan embrace modernity?
Yes, it liberated us.
Yes, but we also love history.
With reservations, sometimes
Of course, it's just better now.
Advertisement
Do you light the way for future generations?
That's the idea!
Yes, though it's not the priority.
No, we empower them to do so.
Yes, and they like totally don't even appreciate it.
Do you know who your ancestors are?
No, that was stolen from us: we have only an idea of it.
Yes, back 1,000 years.
Yes, for a couple hundred years.
Yes, back 2,000 years.
Advertisement
What is your title?
Mr and Miss are hard-fought for us and we're keeping them
Knight
Councillor
CEO, baby
What is your quest?
To help others to be free, as we are now
To tell our story and others'
To make society a fairer place
To disrupt the old way of doing things
Advertisement
What did your most shameful ancestor do to dishonor your house?
Collaborated in his oppression
Oppressed someone else
Abused the trust of the community
Participated in criminal activity
Has your family ever fled its ancestral homeland?
No, in retrospect, that would've been a good idea.
So far back it doesn't really count.
Yes, once
Not yet
Advertisement
What is your family's biggest secret?
My dad taped over his wedding video
My aunt writes popular romance novels under a pen name
My brother still doesn't know Santa Claus isn't real
My mom and her twin were separated at birth
Advertisement
Which holiday does your family celebrate most lavishly?
Juneteenth
Christmas
Thanksgiving
We don't take days off
Did your family ever fight on the losing side of a war?
Yes, but not since coming to America
A bunch of times, but we always changed sides at the right moment.
So, so many
Just one, rather recently
You have been offered the opportunity to marry into a great American House. Which house shall you choose?
Obama
Astor
Bloomberg
Zuckerberg
Advertisement
You have to put a city to the sword in order to achieve an extra layer of gloss on your coat of arms. Which city do you massacre?
Charleston: that place is a hive of scum and villainy.
Miami: that place is ugly.
Washington: that place is full of jerks.
Oakland: we should really just start over with that one.
Which English King Henry sired your scandalous illegitimate ancestor?
Probably Henry II, because he was the best Henry but never gets any credit for it, like us.
Henry VIII, naturally: the most famous
Henry V: the boldest
Henry I: it's a long story
Advertisement
You Got: