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About This Quiz
You've seen 'Goodfellas,' 'Scarface,' and of course, 'The Sopranos.' Now you want to get involved. Whether you're into kneecapping or numbers, Cosa Nostra has a place for you. Take this quiz to find out what it is!
You want to work for the mafia. How do you first get in touch?
I tell my brother Tony "The Wallaby" that I'm ready to join the family business.
I start out on my own and wait for them to come to me. Then I pay my dues.
I follow Big Steve to lunch, take a seat uninvited, and run some numbers for him.
I make myself known to a lieutenant, whether he likes it or not, and offer to forget I saw him if he'll introduce me to his boss.
Hang around, wait until things get physical, then step in on the right side.
What's your previous relevant work experience?
I used to watch our father while he disciplined wayward soldiers. He taught me the ropes before my voice broke.
I've run short cons up and down both coasts and never gotten caught.
I was a data analyst at Goldman, thus proving I'm good with figures and have no conscience.
I know the inner workings of the police force. I'm also comfortable with a certain level of brutality.
I was the schoolyard bully. They called me "Merciless Mike".
How important is money to you?
A lot, but not more than family.
Immensely. The more I make, the more I want.
Very. It's how I prove my value - to myself and others. Plus, the ladies love it.
I just want to provide for my family and pay off my crippling loans.
I like it, but honestly it's more about knowing someone has my back, no matter what.
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Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
At my brother's side, like always. Loyalty is everything.
Same job, only for a more desirable class of client.
Moving up in the hierarchy after proving my value. One day I could be an underboss.
Getting the hell out of all this and moving to a small place where the scariest criminal in town is a kid with some spray paint.
Eh. I don't expect to last that long.
If you ever got into a fight, you would...
Take off my jacket and roll up my sleeves first. I've got time - my bodyguards are holding the other guy down.
Call in the muscle. They're never too far away.
Take the beating, I guess - and make sure I'm there when my bosses sent in the goons to exact revenge.
Make them regret it. No one touches the Five-O.
Win it. Fast or slow depending on my mood.
Some jamook in a bar bets you $100 he can drink from a wine bottle without opening it. Do you take the bet?
Why not? What's $100 between two legitimate businessmen?
Nope. Not falling for that.
I offer double or nothing that I can do it without touching the bottle.
I can't - I'm on duty. I'll accept the wine as a "courtesy payment" for not reporting him, though.
Sure. If I lose, I'll hit him over the head with the bottle and get my $100 back.
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You've been arrested. Who's your first call?
My very dear friends and partners at McGiltie & Freedham.
I call the boss. I'm too valuable to be out of commission for more than a day or two.
My lawyer. I'll knock 10K off his debt if he helps me out.
Arrested? Ha. I just show them my ID and they let me go.
Gotta be the boss. He's tough but he'd never leave me to rot.
An official form requires you to list your occupation. What do you write?
Lawyer. I have a degree in it, so that's what I am.
Financial advisor, I guess. LOL.
I work for a very legal Las Vegas casino as an external consultant.
Law enforcement officer.
Bouncer. You got a problem with that?
What do you do to relax when you're off the clock?
Golfing, yachting, seeing my family. The world's my oyster.
I don't take time off. There's always some mook who thinks payment deadlines are optional.
I buy stuff. I'm in a cash business and I can't always keep track if a little goes missing before the muscle comes to pick it up.
Drown my guilt in a lake of beer.
I work out.
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What is RICO?
Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act. I know that because I am a lawyer, not because it's relevant to my life.
My worst nightmare. It means I can go to jail for what the muscle did on my behalf, even if I specifically told them to go easy.
The one that means I could get done for murder even though I've literally never so much as pushed anyone. It's so unfair.
My best friend if they ever decide I'm not useful any more.
No idea.
What's your ideal living situation?
A penthouse in the city and a charming Sicilian farmhouse for the holidays.
Anything I can buy outright. Funnily enough, I have an aversion to any sort of debt.
A luxury hotel room. I like to keep it nimble.
A house that isn't in negative equity, so I can get the hell out of all this.
Ma's house. I can't afford my own place yet.
How good of a liar are you?
Terrible, but fortunately there's this thing called the Fifth Amendment.
Is it technically a lie if you hide it in the fine print?
Only OK, but I'm very good at forgetting facts, like which horse is coming off an injury and which one is definitely going to win.
I can lie to everyone except myself. It's eating me up.
I'd never lie to the boss. That's disloyal.
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What do you want your family to know about your work?
I'll be so proud when they follow in my footsteps.
My gal's blissfully ignorant, and I like it that way.
My parents still think I'm a data analyst. I'm OK with that.
They know I'm an upstanding member of society.
Ma knows everything I do: every arm I break, every cap I bust. She's so proud of me.
The Don looks set to make a really stupid decision. What do you do?
I put my foot down. Sometimes, the best love is tough love.
I don't like it, but I go along.
I make sure my bug-out bag is ready. This is why I always have $100K in cash on hand.
I rehearse a version of events where it looks like I was under duress this whole time.
I do what I'm told. If I wanted to think for a living I'd have stayed a bouncer.
What do you call the woman in your life?
My lovely wife, obviously.
My old lady.
My goombah. Baby, Honey. That way I don't get them all mixed up.
My wife.
Ma. She does my laundry even when there's a lot of blood. She's the best.
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Someone's going down big time, and thanks to RICO, the Feds can charge you too. Do you flip?
Obviously not. My lawyers would never let me go to a proper prison anyway.
Nah. Witness protection isn't all that safe.
Nope. More than my life is worth.
I was always working for the law and I defy anyone who says otherwise.
Hell, no. I'll do my time like a man.
How comfortable are you with violence?
I did my fair share while learning the ropes, but I prefer not to get involved.
It's not my favorite, but I do what I gotta do.
I'm all about the numbers. I leave the hitting to the professionals.
Enough, but no more.
Very. It's sort of fun the sounds people make, you know?
What sort of heat are you packing, day to day?
My quick wit and exquisite legal knowledge are all I need. Who'd dare shoot me?
I carry a discreet little pistol in my sock. I mostly count on my goons though.
Nothing. It just draws the wrong kind of attention.
My regulation Glock 22.
My Magnum, my Beretta Nano, my brass knuckles, my Bowie knife, my Ruger...
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Without a calculator app, what's the balance after 24 months of a loan of $1,000 at 22% interest?
Don't know, but whoever's debt that is, I own their ass now.
It's close to being paid off. My clients would never dare skip an installment.
At least $100K - anyone desperate enough to agree those terms was easy prey for all my other schemes.
Not sure, but my piece if I arrest the debtor and leave them unattended for half an hour is around $500.
About $20K in cash, plus a pinky finger.
How do you get healthcare?
Through my law firm. Did I mention I'm a lawyer?
Through my wife's receptionist job. I think it's cute that she works.
Through the exchanges. If there's one thing I understand, it's making markets work for me.
I get it from my real job. It's actually pretty great.
This surgeon who owes us money takes care of me. He's great when he's not high. Or jonesing.
What do you wear to work?
A pinstripe suit.
Jeans and a shirt, but I always have a wipe-clean top layer I can add in case a client gets feisty.
Head to toe snakeskin. Because I can.
I wear the blue. I'm disgracing it with every breath.
Muscle tee, jeans, combat boots.
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What's your favorite movie?
The Godfather. I mean, duh.
Casino, natch.
Moneyball. I try to apply those principles.
Donnie Brasco. Totally happened to my buddy one time.
Goodfellas. It just looks like they're having so much fun.
How much do you make?
My tax return says $172,500, so that's what I make. It's all legal. I have receipts.
A lot, but after the boss' cut, the laundering, and the taxman, it's a nice middle class income.
Let's put it this way: enough to feed my snakeskin suit habit.
I don't make a dime over whatever it says on the municipal website.
It varies. I get a wad of cash off the top every week.
What would a normal day on the job be like for you?
Oh, it's all frightfully normal. Think of me as the COO of a very large company.
Hopefully: money goes out, more money comes in. But every so often, someone gets hurt.
I spend most of my time calculating odds, collecting funds, and distributing to winners. Though of course, the house always wins in the end.
I do my regular job and then look the other way when necessary. Sometimes I misplace evidence. I'm... forgetful.
I spend most of my time staring threateningly at people. Sometimes they let me knock 'em around.
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Who's your role model?
Meyer Lansky. A very successful, very legitimate businessman if ever there was one.
Lucky Luciano. Made it big and stayed ahead of the game a good long while.
Herbert Blitzstein. Made it big in Las Vegas and lived to 62. That's like 107 in mob years.
Whitey Bulger. At least, that's what I'll say if they ever find out. I'm undercover. I totally am.
Noted hitman Richard "Ice Man" Kuklinski. That man was an artist.
How do you sleep at night?
Very well since I got these 1,000 thread count sheets.
With one eye open.
Just fine. It's not like I hurt people personally. Any more.
Xanax, Ambien, whatever it takes to make it stop.
Great. My work's very physical, so I get tired.
Are you an equestrian? If so, what sort?
I have a fabulous stud farm in Sicily.
I love horses. Stick one of their heads in a guy's bed and you'd be amazed what you can get him to do.
Not really.
No. Crowd control isn't my area.
I love all animals. They're not disloyal like people can be.
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How do you greet your friends?
At least five kisses on either cheek.
I don't make physical contact. That's how they get your wallet.
I hug them. You gotta value your friends in this business.
With a fist-bump.
With a manly embrace. My friends and my family are one and the same.
"If you were to end up sleeping with the fishes, it'd be because you..."
CCed the wrong person.
Failed to collect once too often.
Skimmed too much.
Outlived my usefulness.
Snitched. I never would though, so it's all good.
What are your plans for retirement?
I'll pass on the business to my beloved son and spend my days sipping wine on a veranda in Sicily.
I don't know, but I'd really like to be alive. And not in prison.
I move up high enough that I can keep enough of the pie to never work again.
I get away from all this and live an honest life again.
Seriously doubt I'm going to have one.
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