What's Your 1789 Name?

By: Emily Maggrett

What's Your 1789 Name?
Image: lisegagne / E+ / Getty Images

About This Quiz

They say that if you can make it in New York City, you can make it anywhere, but what about New York City in 1789? 

Life back then was hard: homes lacked indoor plumbing and were insufficiently heated, bathing was a luxury and most people had to work from dawn until dusk. As if that weren't enough, many Western countries were in a state of extreme upheaval, as the United States strove to elect its first president and Congress, Brazil fought for independence from Portugal and the French Revolution commenced. However, things weren't all bad: Antoine Lavoisier penned the first chemistry textbook, Elijah Craig had just invented bourbon and Mozart was writing old-timey bangers!

If you've ever wondered about how you'd fare if you lived in those times, this quiz is for you. We're going to ask you how you'd deal with classic 1789 situations like having to grow your own food, being expected to always do your duty and having an unrequited crush on Ben Franklin. Using your answers, we'll calculate what your flowery, old-fashioned 1789 name would have been and share  a few juicy secrets about your personality in the bargain!

So, are you excited to travel back to a time without micro-influencers or sick beats? Put down your smartphone, fire up your time machine and come play this quiz!

In 1789, colonial Americans had just waged the Revolutionary War. Had you been alive, what would your colonial job have been?
Candle maker
Lady of leisure
Governess
Laborer

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What's your favorite old-timey food?
Cold venison
Roast pigeon
Jellied eels
A crust of bread and a jug of wine

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Let's say you had to ride a horse to get around. What kind of horse would you have?
A brown Exmoor pony
A chestnut mare
A white Arabian
A Clydesdale

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In your opinion, which of these modern conveniences is the most overrated?
Pre-sliced bread
Pressure cookers
Velcro shoes
Email

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The French Revolution took place in 1789. If you had been there, what part would you have played?
I would have been a concerned ambassador.
I would have been a murdered princess.
I would have been a revolutionary!
I would have been too busy farming to participate.

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Do you believe in parental fealty? Aka, how often do you call your mom?
Twice a month
Every other day
I don't. She calls me.
Once a week

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If movies, TV and video games disappeared tomorrow, how would you cope?
TBH, I'd be pretty depressed. Maybe I'd get into books more?
As long as there were still dances and parties, I'd be fine.
My favorite form of relaxation is chatting with friends, so I'd be able to handle it (although I'd miss Netflix).
My hobbies are athletic (hiking, running, Frisbee-golf) so I probably wouldn't even notice.

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Embroidered handkerchiefs: cute or nah?
Wasteful!
So cute!
Cute for special occasions, kinda extra for daily use
Ridiculous

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Do you have a green thumb or are you a famous plant killer?
I kill everything. Even succulents.
I'm too cool for plants.
I can keep easy plants alive (jade plants, some ferns).
I'm awesome at plants; just call me Old MacDonald!

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Some of the greatest US cities were founded in the 1600s and 1700s. You have the opportunity to see what one of them was like in 1789. Which one do you choose?
Can't wait to walk the unpaved streets of New York City!
I'd be riding my sweet carriage all over Boston's cobblestones.
I'd love to experience Charleston, North Carolina. With a population of 20,000, it's the fifth biggest city in the U.S. right now!
Well, our new government is located in Philly, so obviously I want to go check that out.

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How do you feel about traditional gender roles?
They're really great.
They're cool if you're a rich woman, not so much if you're a poor one.
I hate gender roles; they restrict my freedom as well as the freedom of countless others.
I don't really think about that stuff.

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Are you neat?
Yes. So fresh and so clean.
No, I'm messy ... in more ways than one.
I try to keep my stuff organized but also, I have a life.
Yes, but only because my mom picks up after me.

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What kind of 1700s residence would you dwell in?
A brick townhouse
A castle, please!
A London boarding house
A thatched cottage

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Do you enjoy going to the farmer's market?
Of course. I love to squeeze the limes and potatoes.
No. Who am I, your mom?
It's fun every once in a while.
Farmer's markets are too twee for ya boy!

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If the patriarch of your family barred you from marrying your true love because they were from a lower class than yours, would you heed him?
Yes. He's a patriarch, after all.
Yes. But only because being poor wouldn't suit me.
No! Love conquers all.
Depends. How hot is this person?

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Can you charm your way out of anything?
I couldn't charm my way out of a paper bag.
I can charm the birds out of the trees.
I'm charming but I don't like to use it because I think that's unethical. People should be persuaded by the logic of my arguments.
I mean, that's what some say ...

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What's your ideal 1789 Valentine's Day date?
Walking to church together
Going to a ball and waltzing REAL HARD
Riding our horses to a nearby village, then ministering to the poor
Bundling, of course! ("Bundling" was the Colonial practice of having young unmarried couples spend the night together in the same bed while fully clothed)

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Conditions were rough in 1789 (limited heat, no bathrooms, lots of diseases). Are you one of those tough people who could win "Survivor" or are you more of a hothouse flower?
I'd probably die.
I'd die if I weren't a rich person.
I would survive and thrive!
I'm extremely healthy so I think I could handle it.

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Of all these old-timey outfits, which one would you actually wear?
Powdered wig, hose, pantaloons, waistcoat and morning jacket
Fake braids, corset, petticoat, silk mantua gown and blue velvet cloak
Blue cotton gown, white apron, neckerchief and straw hat
Buckskin breeches, dress shirt, frock coat, riding boots

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Your impoverished brother Maurice, his wife Martha and their ten children ask if they can live in your homestead. Do you agree?
Yes. One must do what one can.
Nah. They'll figure it out somehow.
They can stay with me for now but I'll have to insist on a time limit.
No, but I'll hire Maurice to work at my tavern.

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What's closest to your natural hair color and texture?
Straight, fine fawn brown
Thick, black and curly
Straight, blond and full
Reddish, slightly wavy

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People in the 1700s loved talking about "doing their duty." Do you like doing YOUR duty?
To do one's duty is incredibly satisfying.
I hate being responsible and love partying.
I do what I think is right; that doesn't mean I'm necessarily "doing my duty" though.
I do my duty at work and to my fam, but once the weekend comes I'm usually wilding out.

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For once, you have a free moment. Which 18th century pastime will you now enjoy?
Going to an exhibition of freaky curiosities
Attending an epic theatrical entertainment
Strolling in a pleasure garden with a raging hottie
Hitting up a cock fight and betting on it!

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A local swain is sending you romantic letters. Do you embark upon a risqué correspondence?
No. Doesn't seem very prudent; could even earn us a scarlet letter!
Yes. That sounds dramatic AF.
I'll only correspond with this swain if they are also honest and true.
No, but only because I hate writing letters.

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The British are coming! What's your next move?
Guess I better declare allegiance to King George.
Are any of them cute?
I must jump on my horse and warn all the able-bodied soldiers in the Colony!
Where's my musket? It's time to fight!

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Be honest: as a 1700s person, would you defy society or obey its conventions?
Probably I'd obey its conventions.
I would pretend to obey society's rules but defy them whenever I felt like it.
I don't care about society's dang rules; I care about doing what's right!
I would find a way to be chill with society.

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Who's your favorite 18th century author?
Thomas Paine
Samuel Johnson
Jane Austen
William Wordsworth

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In your opinion, is Ben Franklin bae?
What?
Well, he is the ambassador to France
He's not physically handsome but he's brilliant, which is very attractive.
So bae

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A genie appears and offers to grant your greatest ambition. What is it?
I want to become a politician (but like, a cool politician).
I want to be the equivalent of an annoying famous woman with millions of Instagram followers, but like the 1789 version of that?
I want to be a hero: saving kids, defeating my British enemies, inventing sanitation, etc.
I'd be fine with 1789 if only there were hot showers. So, I'd wish for a normal bathroom?

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Time for an old-timey dessert! Which one will you have?
Apples boiled in claret wine with cream
Rosewater Foole
Syllabub (wine-curdled cream with berries and almond cookies)
Currant cake

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You Got:

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