What's Your Dark Witch Name?

By: Zoe Samuel

What's Your Dark Witch Name?
Image: Dina Belenko Photography / Moment / Getty Images

About This Quiz

Witches are one of the most misunderstood groups in human history. They were mostly just women who sought out education and knowledge that went slightly - or perhaps a lot - outside of what society deemed was appropriate for them. Since what society deemed appropriate for women was typically a life of unpaid domestic or farmstead-based labor as the legal chattel of their nearest male relative, it was understandable that they sought other options.

The types of knowledge that witches sought out were not usually all about putting nasty hexes on people or cursing enemies. Instead, witches tended to look into medicinal knowledge, learning to heal and cure. They learned reading in different languages, and how to understand the weather and biology. They mostly tried to use their knowledge for good.

This quiz is not about those witches. This is about the dark witches: the hexers, the cursers, the ones who chant scary things from the shadows and make it all happen. This is about the witches who know that the best way to not end up on a pyre is to ensure the jerk who might put you on it ends up so terrorized by demons that he wouldn't even dare. If you're one of them, then you need an appropriate name. Let's figure out what it is.

Do you use magic for good?
My good, sure.
My clients' good.
Not really.
I try to.

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Do you charge for your services?
I wouldn't dare show anyone what I can do.
Yes, lavishly.
Yes, a little.
I haven't done in the past.

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Are you "out" as a witch to everyone?
Heck, no.
Mostly, yes.
Since I started working, yes.
Since childhood, yes.

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What witch garment do you love?
Crown
Gown
Cape
Hat

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Which festival do you love?
Christmas
Halloween
Voodoo Festival
Poppy Festival

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What witchy color do you prefer?
Silver
Gold
Black
Green

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What witchy pet do you have?
Dog.
Cat.
Rabbit.
I don't keep a pet, I think it's wrong.

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Do you work with other witches?
Definitely not
I've never met one.
If they accept that I'm in charge, sure.
I would love that.

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What sort of witchery do you like best?
Love potions.
Wealth spell.
Hexing bad people.
Protection charm.

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Do you fear being run out of town?
No, my husband loves me.
Yes, a little.
Generally no.
Yes, constantly.

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Do you anticipate coming to a bad end?
I doubt it.
Of course not!
No.
Probably, yes.

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Do you have a patron?
Yes, my husband.
Yes, the King's mistress.
I am my own patron.
Someone has offered but I don't know whether to say yes.

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What potion ingredient can you not do without?
Diamonds.
Hair of whoever I'm casting the spell for or against.
Crushed bone.
I don't generally use potions.

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What time of the month are your powers strongest?
Full moon.
Half moon.
No moon.
They don't wax and wane.

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Are you in touch with nature?
Somewhat
Not really
Parts of it
Yes, animals especially!

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Where do you make your potions?
In the sink when nobody's looking.
In a beautiful font.
In the bathtub.
In a cauldron.

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How do you get around?
Carriage
Sedan chair
Boat
Broomstick

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Do you have a familiar?
Yes, a horse.
No.
Yes, many bats.
Yes, flying monkeys mostly.

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Have you ever put a spell on someone just to be petty?
All the time.
No, too much work.
No, I only do spells for money.
Yes, but not for ages.

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Have you ever cast a bigger spell than you were capable of?
Yes. Oops.
Not yet.
No, I know my limits.
I never found such a spell.

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Do you mind living in a culture that is hostile to witches?
Yes, I hate it.
It's OK for now.
I don't live in such a culture.
I don't like it.

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Do you have an escape plan in case of a mob with pitchforks?
Yes, but it depends on my husband cooperating.
Nah, what could go wrong?
No, everyone likes me.
Yes, it involves a bucket of water.

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What witchy house do you live in?
Castle
Mansion
Houseboat
Tower

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What infernal master do you serve?
Myself, really.
Satan.
Moloch the Corrupter.
I don't serve anything infernal.

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What occult object must you always carry?
Crucifix, to throw people off.
A special coin.
Voodo dolls.
My magic is in me, I don't need objects.

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Have you ever met Satan?
No, people keep asking me that.
I wish.
Once.
I don't believe in Satan.

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What modern curse would you put on someone?
Making all their emails bounce the first time they send.
Making them always have at least one noisy neighbor.
Making them always ladder the first pair of stockings they put on.
Making them always arrive on the subway when the train is leaving.

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What classic curse is tried and trusted?
Cursing your husband's mistress.
Cursing someone's descendants to get justice for their ancestors' crime.
Never being fully satisfied again by a lover.
Papercuts for life!

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What witchy song do you love?
"Witchfynder Finder"
"Don't Burn the Witch"
"American Witch"
"Defying Gravity"

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Which historical figure do we wrongly assume was not a witch?
Elizabeth the First
Marie Antoinette
Elizabeth Proctor
Mary Shelley

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You Got:

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