What's Your Witch Name?

By: Mark Lichtenstein
Estimated Completion Time
3 min
What's Your Witch Name?
Image: marrio31/E+/Getty Images

About This Quiz

​What’s the point in being a witch without a cool witchy name? No one wants to be a basic witch! Whether you can turn your vacuum into a prince or cast a spell on the yapping dog next door, you need a name that tells the world you are more than just a warty-nosed old hag! Witches like you don’t wear pointy hats or have flying monkeys – witches like you have mad wizardry skills. And it’s time the world addresses you accordingly!

There’s no need to fake being a good witch or to pretend to be bad! Highly sensitive energies could be led astray, and you could be doomed to a name like Ethel forever. Focus your energies on your brand of bewitching ways, and your unique name will be summoned from a deep well of truth and knowledge previously guarded by your elders. While charged with all the magic of the internet, your witch name will then be passed down through the elements, handed off to a goddess and revealed to your screen at the wiggle of a Macbeth-style witch’s crooked finger.

Now, that you're ready to know, we have an incantation all our own -- enchant your fingers, and take a clickity-click - get your witch name without riding broomsticks!

Do you want to use your magic for self-aggrandizement?
No
A bit
Absolutely
Only a little
Who else is in your coven?
I am alone
Gordon Ramsay
Cyril Takayama
The Terminator
What is your familiar?
A badger
A dog
A bird
A bat

Advertisement

Do you intend on frightening people?
Very much so
Lord, no!
If it makes them think I'm cool
Not deliberately
Do you want to enchant clothes?
If it keeps them filthy
If it keeps them clean
Always
If it can make them interface with Thunderbolt III
What is your relationship with the werewolves like?
They think I'm a walking nightmare.
They like hanging out with me.
They think I'm a vampire.
Most don't understand me.

Advertisement

Do you melt in water?
I dissolve.
I mix.
It doesn't affect me.
Technically I sublimate.
What's the most expensive curse I can buy off you?
Murder by flame
Embarrassing puking
Pants fall down
Driver's license is expired
Which magician do you like?
Jerry Sadowitz
Josh Beckerman
Cyril Takayama
Marco Tempest

Advertisement

Are you cool?
I don't care.
I'm just a foodie.
I'm so cool.
I'm pretty nerdy.
Where do you go on vacation?
Hell
India
L.A.
New York
What's the cheapest curse I can buy off you?
Trip and fall
Everything tastes funny
Pants are out of style
Phone battery dies

Advertisement

Which element appeals to you?
Air
Water
Fire
Earth
Do you want to enchant food?
To kill? Sure...
Yes
Oh, gross
That sounds dangerous.
Can animals sense your power?
Horses can
Cats can
Rats can
Dogs can, like in the "Terminator"

Advertisement

Where is your secret lair?
In the woods
In the center of Paris
In the coolest part of Hong Kong
In San Fran
Can you fly?
On a broom
No
On a jet
Using my Iron-Man armor I can
Do you want to use your magic to entertain others?
No
Yes
That'd be cool.
No, just myself

Advertisement

What kind of hat do you wear?
Ushanka
A chef's cap
A baseball cap with a flat brim
Oculus Rift
How would you use your power around the house?
Killing vermin
Cleaning up the kitchen
Fixing my wardrobe
Fixing my computer
Where are you from?
Russia
Italy
China
America

Advertisement

Do you weigh the same as a duck?
Yes
I weigh a lot more than a duck
I don't know, is that the fashion?
I can change my weight at will
What is your ride?
A broom
A taco truck
A black motorcycle with flaming wheels
A robotic horse
How many languages do you speak?
Three
Two
Four
All

Advertisement

What is your relationship with the vampires like?
They fear me.
They like me.
They think I out-cool them.
They don't understand me.
How kind are you?
Not at all
Very
I'm kind to myself.
I help others.
How will you be inevitably killed?
Spell backfire, emphasis on fire
Choking
The tight turtleneck fad
Electrocution

Advertisement

What shade of green is your witch skin?
Slime green
Mint green
Racing green
Phosphorus green
How would you use your power at work?
Bending my coworkers to my will
Always having something to eat in the break room
Always looking good
Getting my work done faster
Do you want to enchant your iPhone?
No
If it can show me new recipes
If it makes it cooler
Yes

Advertisement

You Got: