Which American Gladiator Are You?

By: Mark Lichtenstein

Which American Gladiator Are You?
Image: The Movie DB

About This Quiz

In the annals of television history, "American Gladiators" stands alone. Is that a compliment? It depends on the audience. No one who watched TV in the 1990s can forget the characters from that great show, but which one of them is most like you?
You get a concussion. What do you do?
I wake up on the beach and drink some brewskis.
I go to the hospital!
I wear a helmet next time.
I probably just retire.

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How do you take care of your health?
I secretly go to doctors when injured, and then ignore their advice.
I work out like a madman.
I'm basically always in football training camp.
Balance beams, rings, and calisthenics.

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How much time do you put into your hair?
Hours
26 minutes and 47 seconds
None. I use a machine once every few days.
I have people for that.

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Do you have ambitions as an actor?
Yeah! That's why I'm playing this totally radical dude, man!
Some, but not as a "serious actor," just for fun.
I do! I dream of serious acting on a show my kids can watch.
Not really

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Do you have a beef with any of the contestants?
No way, man.
Only the ones who might hurt me and prevent me from engaging in further competition.
Yeah... Dean Cain is mine!
No, I don't have beef with anyone.

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Do you have any bad habits?
Other than walking off injuries that should land me in the hospital?
Not really
Yeah, and it may be the end of me one day.
No, I'm the picture of health and denial.

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Do you have a background in gymnastics?
None
A little
Minimally
Loads

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What is your event?
Human Canonball
Joust
The Gauntlet
Hang Tough

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What do you think you'll probably do when you retire?
B-Movie Actor
Bodybuilder and actor
Disney TV Actor
Fitness instructor

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What is your mood when you're competing?
Jolly
Serious
I'm in war mode!
I'm excited and happy.

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Did people send you letters begging you to marry them?
All the time, bro!
Once or twice, sure.
No, I'm too much about the game!
A few, but I let my manager handle them.

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If you weren't an American Gladiator, what sport would you play?
I'd be a surfer, dude.
I'd be a bodybuilder.
Football, baby!
Gymnastics, surely.

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How much fake tan are you wearing?
Loads
No more than anyone else
A bit...
Very little

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What injury would finish your career?
Concussion
You'd have to break my spine.
Broken face
Broken leg

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Who is your inspiration?
Paul Newman
My mother
Roger Staubach
Angelika Hellmann

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Who is your most common type of fan?
Single ladies
Fitness bros
Football dudes
Sports nerds

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What move are you proud of?
My break-fall
My left hook, in the joust
My right sweep, in the Gauntlet
My grapple, in hang tough

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If the show were on today, what brand would endorse you?
Ocean Pacific
Crunch
Amazon
Vitamin Shoppe

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What might people be surprised to know about your alter ego?
I don't actually do any of the stuff people think I do.
I'm actually a really nice person.
I'm very well educated.
Very little

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What is the ultimate sporting no-no?
Going out of your way to hurt someone
Fighting dirty
Cheating
Not shaking after a match

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How flexible are you?
Morally?
I'm flexible enough.
Not very
I'm super flexible.

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If you had to fight with a medieval weapon, which would you choose?
Pike
Morningstar
Bearing sword
Viking sword

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Can you touch your right shoulder with your right hand?
No way, bro!
If I diet for a few weeks.
Congratulations, jerk. You found my weakness.
Of course I can!

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What's a good theme song for you?
"Don't You (Forget About Me)" - Simple Minds
"Faster" - Within Temptation
"My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion
"Dark Horse" - Katy Perry

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If a restaurant named a sandwich for you, what would be in it?
Bologna and white bread
Smoked turkey and mustard on rye
An open face sandwich of tuna on whole wheat bread
Pastrami and swiss cheese on 12 grain bread with a mix of mayo and mustard

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If a bar named a drink for you, what would be in it?
Budweiser and protein powder
Mypolex and gin
Whiskey and Cattle Offal
Orange juice and vodka with a slice of kiwi

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If they'd had Twitter in 1989, what would have been your gladiatorial Twitter handle?
@Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude
@MightyMuscles
@Swoopingforthekill
@Thelegs89

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Would you be any good at commentary?
No way, dude
I don't like talking much okay?
I'd be great at it, as I'm very well spoken and very well educated.
I'd be okay.

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How badly do you want this?
I want it so bad, I can taste it.
I want it so bad, I can feel it.
I want it so I can have it be mine forever and hold it tight like I'm gonna ARGH!
I'd like it very much, thanks.

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What sport do you deem too dangerous to practice?
Skydiving
Ultra-marathoning
Boxing
MMA

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You Got:

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