Which Classic American Beer Are You?

Mark Lichtenstein

About This Quiz

You are what you eat, and what you drink. Beers aren't just marketed to specific groups of people, they are made to appeal to unique qualities. We all identify with one brand or another. Which classic American beer are you?

What trousers do you wear?

Distressed jeans

Khakis
Bluejeans

Shorts

What shoes do you wear?

Vintage sneakers

Work boots
Shoes I can stand in all day.

Crocs

What shirt do you wear?

An unjustifiably expensive plain white T-shirt

A sports jersey
A buttoned work shirt

I don't wear a shirt!

What is on your belt buckle?

An old school NES controller

A silver eagle
The image of a colt peacemaker

A star

What jacket do you wear?

Faux leather

A peacoat
A leather jacket

A windbreaker

What hat do you wear?

An ironic baseball cap

A watch cap
A fedora

A visor

What do you drive?

An Uber

A sport sedan
An SUV

A jet ski

What kind of movie theater do you go to?

Little, retro ones with character

The multiplex
I don't go to movies.

IMAX theaters

What sport do you like best?

Cubing

Baseball
Football

MMA

What do you eat at the stadium?

Artisanal hot dogs

Burger and fries
Cheese fries

Bacon wrapped hot dog

What kind of live theater do you like best?

Improv comedy

Music concerts
Plays

Wet T-shirt contests

Where do you go for vacation?

Europe, where everything is perfect, in my mind

Sporting events in other states
The mountains

The beach

How much money do you make?

Not much, and what I make, I spend.

I make a good living.
I'm middle class.

I'm working class.

Where do you go to drink after a long day at work?

Someplace underground and exclusive

The local bar
My back porch

The beach

Do you drink alone or with friends?

With friends

With strangers
Alone

I drink everywhere!

How important to you is "heritage"?

I don't care at all.

It's of some importance.
It is of the utmost importance.

I don't even know what that word means.

How important is price for you?

Very

I don't mind.
It's a factor.

Price is no object.

What do you think of Schlitz?

It's great if you can find it.

It's basically water.
It has history, and little else.

What is it?

What do you think of craft beers?

Awesome

Meh.
They can be good, but they can also be awful.

I don't bother with them.

Do you now or have you ever owned a growler?

I have three.

No
I have one.

What is that? Like, a dog?

Have you ever made a handbrake turn?

A what?

I tried once.
I've done it.

What's a hand brake?

How do you feel about political protests?

They are best done during Presidential elections.

They have their place.
They should be separated from the rest of all life.

They should be done during The National Anthem, at sporting events.

Do you live in the cool part of town?

You bet I do.

No
I don't live in town.

I live in the affordable part of town.

What is your favorite genre of music?

Dubstep

Rock
Country

Latin pop

Do you live on the mainland US?

Does Brooklyn count?

You bet, brah!
I live in an iconic American landscape.

No

Do you like even cheap beer to appear a little fancy?

No

Yeah, I like the sound of that.
I think cheap beer should at least have some heritage.

I think cheap beer should have a cool label.

Did you do it before it was cool?

Oh yeah.

I don't care about cool.
No, I waited until it wasn't cool anymore.

I did it while it was cool.

Do you know the second verse to The Star Spangled Banner?

There's a second verse?!

No
No, but I do know that it was a test we used to pick out the German spies during the Battle of The Bulge. They knew it.

Yes

Do you know the third verse to The Star Spangled Banner?

There's a third verse?

No
Yes, and it isn't very moral. It taunts slaves. Ugh.

I think I know part of it.

Motorcycle or pickup truck?

Scooter

Pickup
Chopper

Chevy with an Indian in the bed

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