Which Mustache Matches Your Personality?

By: Mark Lichtenstein

Which Mustache Matches Your Personality?
Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

Mustaches are a time-honored tradition among men the world over. In some cultures, a mustache implies masculinity and authority. In others, it can connote a specific profession, like policeman, magician, or plumber. Choosing the right mustache is then not just a matter of comfort, but also one of culture.

Wearing a mustache is a commitment. It isn't just a matter of not shaving one's face. Mustaches need trimming and upkeep. Some of them require conditioner, while others require wax. Having a mustache is far more work than shaving. Deciding to grow one is not undertaken lightly.

Sometimes mustaches must also conform to dress codes. The New York Yankees allow no facial hair except for mustaches, and even then some styles are frowned on. A cop with a broom mustache is to be expected, but a police officer wearing a pencil mustache would be unnerving and would likely complicate the job. Some mustaches are easier to grow for certain kinds of beard stubble. Others are just always wrong no matter the context; the toothbrush mustache, for example, was ruined by Adolph Hitler.

So take this quiz and learn what manner of face fuzz is right for you. It's a big commitment, so go into it armed with all the information.

Do you have experience with complicated morning ablutions, like dental care while wearing braces?
Absolutely, 14 years in braces.
Braces, bondings, crowns, you name it.
No, I barely brush my teeth.
I bleach my teeth, does that count?

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What kind of exercise do you take?
I lift weights.
I box.
I use a rowing machine.
I drink and smoke.

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How retro are your threads?
Only to about the 1980s.
As retro as it gets.
I'd look at home in 1975.
Some of my things look like they belong in the 1940s.

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What kind of shoes do you wear to work?
Work boots
Fashionable dress shoes
Sneakers
Clogs

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How much free time do you have in the morning?
A few minutes
Loads
None
Exactly one minute

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How is the hair situation atop your head?
Full, long, and lots of body
Short and conservative
Short back and sides
Thinning, but eccentric

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How thick is your stubble?
It's like Brillo.
Thick and full
Thin
Whispy

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Have you ever grown facial hair before?
I had a soul patch.
I've had a mustache before.
No
A couple times

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Do you style or groom your other body hair?
I trim here and there.
No
I put conditioner in my chest hair.
I shave.

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How do you think a mustache would be seen by your professional contacts?
They'd think it's rad.
They'd think it is very fashion forward.
They'd think it makes me look tough.
They would think it made me look sophisticated.

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How do you think your friends and family will react to your new facial adornment?
They will think it makes me look more like me.
I don't think it would change how they think of me.
I don't care.
They probably won't even notice.

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How long are you willing to wait for your mustache to achieve its full growth?
A few weeks
A few months
A month
As long as it takes

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How do you think having a mustache will positively affect your life?
It will more fully express my inner child.
It will be the cherry on top of the sundae that is "me."
It will make people see me as more masculine.
It will make me look even stranger than I do now.

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If you played a sport, what would it be?
Water polo
Deadball era baseball
NASCAR
Buzkashi

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What kind of music is your scene?
Metal
Rockabilly
Springsteen
Ska

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Are you artistic?
I only work in the medium of motorcycle gas tanks.
I only do tattoos.
I play the sax.
Yes, I am a performance artist.

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Who is your masculine ideal?
Dave Kingman
Jack Johnson (the boxer)
Tom Selleck
I don't believe in masculine ideals.

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What's the worst association you're okay with your mustache having?
Biker gangs
Bill The Butcher from "Gangs of New York"
Saddam Hussein
Kidnapper

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How eccentric is your hair style?
Business in the front, party in the back
It's stylish, but not eccentric.
It's all business.
It's very odd.

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How fashion forward is your wardrobe?
It's standard, for a total badass!
It's all designer labels.
It's a uniform, so not at all.
It's so fashion forward, it's hardly recognizable as clothing.

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How stylish is your work outfit on most days?
Most days I just wear jeans and a leather jacket.
It's pretty stylish, in a retro sort of way.
My workplace has a conservative dress code.
I would look at home in a fashion show.

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Do you think growing a mustache is going to save you time?
Mostly it'll protect my face.
God no!
Yes, I just can't be bothered to shave.
It's certainly less work than the beard I'm thinking of getting.

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What positive do you want to derive from your new face fuzz?
Badassness
Macho flair
Authority
Extreme eccentricity

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How is your partner with this mustache-growing-thing?
My old lady is fine with it.
I'm single.
My wife has been badgering me to get one for a while.
My partner is okay with it but needs to see it to like it.

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How much care are you willing to put into your mustache over the course of the day?
Not much
I'll wax and comb as necessary.
I'll comb it a little.
I'll just load it with wax in the morning and tweak the ends periodically.

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What industry are you in?
Construction
Media
Law enforcement
Tech

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What is the closest approximation of where you now live?
Southern California
The 1800s
Ohio
Brooklyn

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How would you do in a bare knuckle fight?
I'd make it not worth starting.
I'd win.
I'd end up pulling out my piece.
I'd definitely lose.

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Can you draw a straight line to save your life?
No
A straight line? Sure, I can do that.
I can walk a straight line, as I learned I could last night when I was pulled over.
I can draw any line, no problem.

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How do you think having a mustache could negatively affect your life?
I could have trouble getting an office job.
It might make drinking a bit complicated.
Food could be a problem.
There will be no trouble at all.

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