Which Polarizing NFL Star Are You?

By: Zoe Samuel

Which Polarizing NFL Star Are You?
Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

All sports in the world have players whose mere existence generates controversy. In fact, take almost any high profile athlete, and you can find online forums where fans of the sport have heated arguments about the virtues and foibles of said athletes. Some athletes are polarizing because of, at least in part, their abilities as athletes. LeBron James, Tom Brady, and Bryce Harper generate passionate arguments primarily because of their skills and accomplishments, or lack thereof. Then there are players who polarize fans and detractors because of behavior off the field. Alex Rodriguez angered baseball fans with his steroid use, egotism, and infidelity. Muhammad Ali's controversial comments, intended to get into the heads of his opponents before entering the ring, were seen as showboating by some of his detractors.

Of all sports, the NFL seems to lead in the stat "polarizing star athletes". NFL players have been simultaneously praised for being comeback exemplars, while their colleages run afoul of the law. NFL players have become polarizing for coupling their on-field exploits with outspoken political stances. Some are polarizing simply because they are so strange, and behave so weirdly, you can't look away. Tell us about your personality and preferences, and we'll determine which polarizing NFL star you are!

You've been invited to the ESPYs, and the invite says the dress code is "black tie." How do you dress?
I'll wear a gold smoking jacket, a red Speedo, and a speed holster ... for my phone, of course.
I'll wear a design by a label that champions feminist goals around the world.
I'll wear a design by an otherwise overlooked designer of color. If it can incorporate red, white, and blue, I'll be especially happy.
Whatever my partner picks out for me.

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Your success has every charity clamoring for you to be their spokesman. Which one do you choose to support?
Magicians Without Borders. It's a real thing!
The Human Rights Campaign
Black Lives Matter
Underprivileged kids

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You're so rich, you can afford to do anything with your free time. What hobby do you take up on a lark?
Making balloon animals with helium, releasing them, and then shooting them down with darts.
Magazine writing.
I'm going to collect all the sneakers and hats that exist. All of them.
Traveling with my spouse.

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What would have to happen for you to publicly take a political stance?
I don't understand the premise of the question.
Look, I'll say what's on my mind, and if people decide that I'm being political, that's their business.
The world, as it is.
If it benefited me personally, I'd consider it.

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You've been hired to do an ad for Nike! What's your tag line?
Just do something or nothing or everything!
There's a reason they call it football.
Kneel for what you believe in.
That's not in the playbook, but it should be.

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You've got some time to kill in the off season. Where do you take a short trip?
Ibiza
Any place holding a ComicCon-like event!
Kenya
Brazil

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What do you do on your nights off to unwind?
Hit the club
Gaming
Read bell hooks
Hang out with my beautiful spouse

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You forgot that practice is today! Your team has called you twice! What do you do?
Turn off my phone, go back to bed, and then accuse my team of conspiring against me when the inevitable TV interview happens.
This would never happen. I am the most responsible person ever.
I'm thrilled; they never call me.
Hop in my chopper and fly in.

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A hated rival from another team arrives on your squad thanks to a trade. How do you break the ice?
I show them my collection of porcelain pigs.
Invite them to play video games together.
Try to bond about issues.
I ask about their spouse. Worst case scenario, it's a chance to brag about mine!

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You've said some things that a segment of fans disagree with. When you take the field, they boo you. What do you do?
Throw the ball at them, after licking it.
Write thoughtfully in my journal.
Ignore it.
Love it. The more they fuss, the more my price goes up!

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Shotgun or pistol formation?
Pistol, but I have to make sure it's tight under my belt.
Short punt formation. It's a game of inches.
Honestly, I don't care anymore, as long as I'm allowed to take the field.
Shotgun gives me a better view and a split second longer to react, so I'll stick with shotgun.

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What kind of celebrity do you date?
Hot ones
Dorky ones
Politically engaged ones
Unbelievably successful ones

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What celebrity do you feud with?
Whoever I like.
Louis C. K.
Tom Brady
Bill Belichick

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When do you retire?
Later than you'd expect.
Too late, from a health perspective.
Too soon.
Never!

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What lesson will children learn from your example?
Be safe, kids!
Be kind!
Stand up for something, no matter what.
Hard work pays.

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What is your most likely lasting injury from your time in the NFL?
A bad leg.
An ankle sprain.
My pride.
My deep fear is CTE.

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How do you handle all the questions yelled at you by the scrum of reporters waiting outside the stadium?
I backflip over them.
I take a few questions.
I talk to them as long as they'll listen.
My PR guy is there to handle it.

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What other sport do you follow during your professional career?
WWE
E-Sports
Basketball
Surfing

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Other than getting a job, what do you plan to do when you retire?
Spend money on insane things.
Nerd out, hard.
Change the world.
Travel with my spouse.

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For what team do you most want to play?
Steelers
Seahawks
At this point, none
Patriots

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If you don't want to live in the city you play for most of the time, where do you want to live instead?
Las Vegas
Boise
Atlanta
Los Angeles

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What room is an absolute must for the home you buy with your first big contract?
Secret lair
Game room
Meditation room
Massive walk-in closet

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How would you fill in the blank for the statement "The Patriots are ________"?
Over there!
Winning again
Not a team I'd like to play for
Awesome

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When do you inevitably get married?
Four or five years into my career.
We leap in quickly.
I don't yet.
I asked as soon as I thought I could get a yes!

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Who is your nemesis?
John Legend. I don't know why, he's just so John Legend, you know?
Men who are mean to women
Injustice
Haters

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Which celebrity would you like to befriend?
Chrissy Teigen
Ellen Page
DeRay McKesson
Beyonce

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What pet do you keep?
A tarantula, who I call Mr. Legs
Dogs
Cats
Horses, if they can count as a pet!

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What paid job will you do in your next career?
Balloon pilot
Writer
Local politician
Fashion mogul

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What sort of house suits you?
Fairytale castle
Ranch
Penthouse
Mansion

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Which politician do you like?
Cory Booker
Elizabeth Warren
Stacey Abrams
Mitt Romney

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You Got:

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