Which Saint Should Be Your Patron Saint?
By: Mark Lichtenstein
Estimated Completion Time
About This Quiz
Each of the Christian saints presides over a specialty. AIDS patients can look to Therese of Lisieux for help, Our Lady of Loreto protects aircrews, and even Saint Clare of Assisi looks after lace makers. So which saint should be your patron?
What activity would you like to do the most?
Volunteer at an animal shelter
Vote for a new mayor on Election Day.
What are you greedy for?
Time with my significant other.
As many pets as I can legally own.
How do you feel about your significant other?
They're the most important person in the world to me.
I don't have a significant other.
I married them for their money.
They make me half of a power couple.
Do you have money troubles?
I try to avoid them since it can be the thing that destroys relationships.
Bird feed is really expensive, so yes.
I never feel like I have enough money.
I'm too dependent on donors for money.
Which political cause are you most passionate about?
I'm very concerned with marriage rights.
I am very involved with animal rights.
I want to lower taxes for the middle class.
I have several causes that I track.
What technology is most important to you?
What charity would you support?
Reformed Church of America Global Mission.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).
The American Numismatic Association.
Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC).
Where is your favorite place to shop?
What is your favorite TV show?
"Pit Bulls and Parolees."
What is your ideal job?
Head of the U.S. Treasury.
Where is your number one vacation destination?
What is the best magic trick you've seen?
Paper Balls Over The Head.
What is your favorite piece of art?
"Arnolfini Portrait" by Jan van Eyck.
"Lady With An Ermine" by Leonardo da Vinci.
"The Banker and His Wife" by Marinus van Reymerswaele.
"Portrait of Henry VIII" by Hans Holbein the Younger.
What sort of friends do you make?
My friends are people with old-fashioned values.
My friends are animal lovers.
My friends are collectors.
My friends are useful ones.
What's your favorite day of the week?
What superpower would you want?
The ability to entrance and enthrall.
The ability to communicate with animals.
What sort of pet would you want?
Are you a hoarder?
Only of cats! And dogs! And birds! And lizards!
Only of money! But not to spend! Only to lovingly look at...
I hoard power, and that is all!
Do you like telling other people what to do?
No, I think everyone is equal and should do what they want.
I express myself pretty openly if others decide to do what I suggest is up to them.
No, I like paying people to do what I want.
How long was your longest relationship?
With a person? A few months.
With my accountant? Decades.
A few weeks with a useful donor.
What have you done recently that you're proud of?
I was a best man/maid of honor at my best friend's wedding.
I adopted a shelter animal.
I found a rare coin while beachcombing.
I voted in a primary for a local election.
What naughty thing have you done recently?
I badger my friends about getting hitched.
I keyed the car of a man who mistreated his dog.
I stole coins from a fountain.
I didn't clean up after a pet after it went to the bathroom.
Have you ever stolen anything?
I stole the heart of my spouse.
I stole a bird from a pet store.
No. Stealing is terrible!
I once stole the ballot box for a student government vote.
What's your childhood trauma?
I came of age under a brutal regime.
What religious symbol appeals to you?
A pair of stigmatized hands holding a cross.
A sword and a blue globe.
In which month do you celebrate your birthday?
What hymn would you like to sing in church?
"All Things Bright and Beautiful."
"The Battle Hymn of The Republic."
How will you glorify God's name?
By getting married. Once.
By giving succor to all God's creatures.
By building a massive stack of gold coins.
How would you die for your faith?
I'd die to save my significant other's life.
I'd die saving a cat from a tree.
I'd die to protect my right to property.
I'd be a victim of an assassination.
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