Which “That Mitchell & Webb Look” Sketch Is Your Life?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
5 min
1 - repetitive work What repetitive task are you required to do at work?
It's mostly a social ritual about greeting each other.
Cleaning Ginger's spittle from my favourite spoon.
Revision ... notes ... revisions ...
One plus one

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2 - AIDS pandemic in Africa. Solutions Let's thrash out some absolutely colossal issues. First up, the AIDS pandemic in Africa. Solutions?
Uhhh, well, we need to impress upon the people the importance of ...
Ah-ha! This is a clue!
Well, what if it's just a matter of getting Susan to ...
23 divided by 16

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3 - work colleagues How many work colleagues do you have?
Dozens
One
I work alone.
Seventeen elevenths

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4 - soup of the day Do you even know what the soup of the day is? How do you even venture to ask such a question?
I — I — I — I'm sorry!
You sound like you could be a henchman ...
What about if I ordered the ... bread of the day?
Five minus a cup of tea.

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5 - To whom do you answer? To whom do you answer?
There's a new boss, apparently, though I've not met them yet. Everyone is talking about them.
I'm a free agent.
My agent
Zero to the power of zero!

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6 - watches with calendars How do you feel about watches with calendars on them?
They sound handy, but don't I just have that in my mobile?
Pish! I have a perfectly fine calendar on my wall!
What if it wasn't a calendar but a tachometer?
Thirty-one shriek!

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7 - worst thing What's the worst thing that could happen to you on the job?
I could fall down a bottomless pit.
I could wind up in the clutches of the rozzers.
Well, I could wind up falling into the mouth of a shark, or a volcano ...
They could rotate the board.

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8 - bad miss Why was that a bad miss?
It didn't go in.
It involved paying with money.
It was just too many revisions.
Sixtyton plus thirteenth.

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9 - recreational activity In what recreational activity do you engage after work?
We all go to our local bar to relax.
I go to my club, by which I mean my actual wooden club.
I try to read to relax.
Tenty four!

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10 - football When is the football happening?
Forever!
It will always be happening!
It will never stop!
Twenty-four seven!

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11 - job to be glamorous Who considers your job to be glamorous?
I suppose the people back home would.
There's no glamour in my job, only justice.
No one
The old new number one!

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12 - passing judgement Who should be disqualified from passing judgment on a major government spending plan?
Anyone emotionally invested, I should imagine
Anyone other than myself and the PM
What if we left that up to a policeman, or a watchmaker, or a puppeteer?
Five times pi!

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13 - far do you commute How far do you commute to your job?
It feels like light-years.
My job is everywhere! It is everything!
Well, I prefer to work from home, so ...
Six!

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14 - The Good Samaritan What is the moral of the tale of The Good Samaritan?
Even the nicest person in history can be a bit prejudiced, in that they assume all Samaritans are jerks, enough to make a good one noteworthy.
It's code! It's a message for me from Lady Margot Beatrice Octavia Thunkworthy-Swizzlington!
The moral is that bad people can be good sometimes. Really, they can be.
Six minus 20, times five-nine-zero-zero-nine!

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15 - nemesis Who is your nemesis?
The copier is my nemesis. It's so ancient, it's practically in hieroglyphics.
My nemesis keeps their identity hidden, even from me!
People who pronounce the letter H as "hache."
Six times 111!

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16 - take out a group of international terrorists How would you take out a group of international terrorists who are holding the president's daughter hostage?
I'd pop a wheelie and spin around, kicking dirt in their eyes!
I'd just summon a hoard of angels.
I'd call upon the SAS, I suppose ...
Fifteen point four!

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17 - living situation What is your living situation?
I live on a jobsite.
I have a lodger. He sleeps down the box from me.
I live alone at the moment.
I live behind a skip.

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18 - life's work What is your life's work?
Solitaire on my computer
Finding and defeating my nemesis
Finishing my book, if I can ever get to the final draft
A googol divided by zero!

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19 - the hat Who is wearing the hat?
You are wearing the hat.
I am! And so I shall name this place "Virginia!"
What if hats didn't even come into it?
Six hundred point seven eight nine sixteenths!

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20 - fashion item What fashion item can you not leave home without?
My fabulous cape
My muffler
A comfortable jacket
Thirteen point zero zero zero nine!

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21 - chipping this flint If I finish chipping this flint by time-when-sun-is-hottest, can you tie it to a stick by time-when-we-all-get-hungry?
Oh, no. Today we have to go to clearing-where-we-go-sometimes.
I'm tired of hearing about bronze. "Bronze, bronze, bronze!"
No, I'm too busy tying a bronze axe-head to a stick.
Roman numeral 50!

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22 -  job skill In what special but non-essential (to your job) skill do you excel?
Observation
I am an expert on food and beverages.
Painting
Multiplicadditiaction.

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23 - good with people What do you do to be "good with people"?
Repeat names
Listen
Mirror body language
12

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24 - ten pound notes In the real world, who sits around at home and says, "I'm going to take out all of my 10-pound notes and compare their colour"?
I don't know, but I might.
No one! That's who!
Someone might.
One hundred fifty four in Roman numerals, plus E.

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25 - first aid What would you do to give first aid to someone struck by a Ford Mondeo?
Get a neck brace or a splint!
Dissolve a tiny amount of Ford Mondeo in water and have them drink it!
Call 9-9-9!
Hmmm ... that's a real numberundrum.

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26 - tree would you plant What sort of tree would you plant in your front lawn?
Trees! I remember trees ... from before the event.
A linden tree
The larch. No, wait! Not that!
A mighty eight!

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27 - perfectly reasonable observation What qualifies as a perfectly reasonable observation?
That's a lot of starch in your shirt!
Look at the size of his beard!
Look at the funny wheels on that penny-farthing!
That's wangernumb!

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28 - shark tank Would you pay to get into a shark tank?
I don't know; it seems crazy. I mean, me and the shark?
Sure! It seems legit. Safe, right?
Why is the deposit so huge?
Minus one divided by minus zero?

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29 - season ticket Is it worth it to buy a season ticket?
Of course not.
Yes, you will buy one. Buy one.
I'm not sure if I want to see flamingos.
One hunsenth

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30 - seventy five minus sixty times minus ten What is 75 minus 60 times minus 10 expressed as an irrational number?
What? I have no idea.
Uh, wait. How do I enter that into my calculator?
Is that even possible?
That's numberwang!

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