Who Would Sponsor Your NASCAR Vehicle?

By: Mark Lichtenstein
Estimated Completion Time
4 min
How are you at turning to the left?
I can swing it!
I love turning left.
Is there another way to turn?
Turning left is my specialty.

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How close can you draft?
A foot or two
A foot
Six inches
A micron

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Can you control a car when the tires turn to jelly?
Somewhat
A bit
I can sure try!
I can, with panache.

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How long can you not go to the bathroom?
An hour or two
Hours
I can go once a day if needed.
I will wear a catheter if I need to.

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Can you lose gracefully?
Yes
Only if I've really given it my all.
No
Not if I really wanted it.

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How's your teamwork?
I'm a passable team member.
I'm an enthusiastic team member.
I'm a good team member, but I might cut off another driver on my team so I could win.
I put the team above all else.

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Can you fit through the driver's side window?
It's a squeeze.
If I don't have much to eat.
I can make it in there.
I can make it in there with a jump.

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How aggressive are you?
I'm not aggressive.
I'm aggressive, but friendly.
I'm very aggressive.
My aggression could get me killed.

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How patient are you?
I'm somewhat patient.
I have average patience.
I'm impatient.
I'm as patient as the tides.

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Are you a graceful winner?
No, I do a lot of taunting.
Yes, I say little when I win.
I do a little dance and shout but that's all.
I do nothing when I win but prepare for the next contest.

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How do you like the taste of milk?
I prefer cola.
It has a clean taste I like.
I'll take a brew over milk.
Milk tastes like victory to me.

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How fast can you shift?
Normal speed
I'm fairly quick.
I shift fast.
It depends on the machine.

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Can you do a sweet burnout?
How childish!
I used to do those in high school.
I do those every day!
I can do one, but rubber can be pricey.

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Can you do doughnuts while sitting on the driver's side window sill?
Maybe
Yes, I could.
Only if I'm holding a checkered flag.
No, I think not.

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Would you ever consider drinking out of a shoe?
No, I'd rather use a glass.
What do I look like? An F-1 driver?
I prefer cans and bottles.
Sure, I'll drink to victory.

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Would you be willing to use a product just because it's your sponsor?
That depends on the product.
Sure, I'll play along.
I'll use anything!
If it's something useful.

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How do you treat your subordinates?
I don't have any!
Respectfully
Like family
I'm a bit cold, because I don't want to be too familiar.

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Can you give a good sound bite?
Nope
I can probably do that.
You want one? I'll give you one right now.
I'd like a script.

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How game are you to do ads?
Not really
Sure, why not?
That's my goal.
I will do them if asked.

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Are you morally upright in your private life?
I'm very religious.
I'm a pretty good person.
I sin a lot.
I have no vices and treat people well.

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How likely are you to do something in your private life that could embarrass your sponsors?
I might.
I would do my best not to.
I could, if I engage in my bad habits.
I would never, under any circumstances.

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Are you willing to share the spotlight?
With my team, sure.
With my team and pit crew? Absolutely.
I'll share it with everyone, especially the fans.
I will share it with no one.

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Are you funny?
I'm a little funny.
I'm very funny.
I'm funny, but not everyone likes my jokes.
I'm not funny.

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Are you personable?
I'm too regional for that.
I'm good with families.
I'm a man's man.
I'm a bit cold.

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Do you conform to the image expected of NASCAR drivers?
Not really
Mostly
Exactly
No, I'm more in the mold of a F-1 driver.

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Are you eccentric?
Honestly, I am a bit.
I'm pretty bland actually.
I'm very eccentric, in an all-American kind of way.
No, I'm a machine only interested in winning.

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How competitive are you?
Competitive enough
I'm competitive, but not obsessive.
I'm very competitive.
I live for competition.

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Are you willing to do a dangerous maneuver to win?
No
It depends on the danger.
Only if I'm sure I can pull it off.
I will do anything, even at risk of my life.

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How many times have you wrecked a car?
Two or three
Once, and it was total.
Many times
Never

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Would you ever consider departing to race in the Indy 500?
No
If the money was right.
Of course I would!
Only once I have mastered NASCAR.

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