Would You Be a Good Umpire?

By: Mark Lichtenstein

Would You Be a Good Umpire?
Image: Shutterstock

About This Quiz

Being an umpire is a tough job. I am not sure what you do for a living, but if I were to guess, your job isn't televised, with announcers watching you work and criticizing you every time you do something wrong. And you probably don't have 40,000 people yelling at you whenever you make a mistake. Oh, and also you probably wouldn't like it if every time someone thought you did something wrong they came running at you, waving their arms and screaming into your face, although at least when people do that, you get to kick them out and make them leave your general vicinity. When it comes right down to it, being an umpire sounds pretty awful.

Even with all of that pressure going against you, as an umpire, you have to be so on point with every little thing that you do. So many calls are made in a split second, you have to be confident, capable, and able to handle yourself under pressure to be a good umpire. It is an incredibly challenging job. Do you think you have what it takes to call balls and strikes and decide whether someone is safe or out? Take this quiz to find out.

How's your eyesight?
I'm blind.
Terrible
Good
Perfect

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Do you need to be liked?
Yes, very much
I'd like that.
Not really
No

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Can you stay objective?
God, no.
Sometimes I can.
I usually can.
I'm always objective.

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Do you know a lot about sports?
Not really
I know a bit.
I know a lot.
I know it all.

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How are your knees holding up?
I'm in a wheelchair.
I'm on crutches.
I walk with a cane.
My knees are fine.

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Are you cool under pressure?
No, I panic.
No, I forget where I am.
I can usually keep a cool head.
I have ice in my veins.

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Do you mind confrontation?
I hate confrontation.
I dislike confrontation.
I'm okay with some confrontation.
I'm fine with confrontation.

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Do you sort of like punishing people who trangress?
No, I have a soft touch.
Only people much smaller than me.
I'm not crazy about it but I will do it.
I will stomp on their heads.

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Are you a stickler for the rules?
No, rules are for tools!
I think it's more about the spirit of the rules.
I'm good with rules, but I don't know them all that well.
That describes me perfectly.

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Do you have a sense of humor?
Yes, a great one!
I have a decent sense of humor.
I've been called humorless.
What's a sense of humor?

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Would 50,000 people screaming at you change your mind if you knew you were right?
Yes
Wow! That's a lot of people! Probably.
Probably not
No

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Do you look good in uniform?
No way
Not most of the time
Usually
Always

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Do you believe in fair play?
No! I love it when someone spikes the shortstop!
Most of the time
Yes, always
Not every time. There are unwritten rules in baseball.

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Do you mind being always a bridesmaid, never a bride?
I hate that!
I'd like to be a bride one day.
I mind a little tiny bit.
I don't mind at all, because umpires have longer careers than brides.

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Can you make a decision quickly and then stick to it?
No! I'm so indecisive!
Sometimes I can!
Usually, I can.
I can, but I'll change my mind pending video review.

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Can you admit when you were wrong?
Yes, of course
Most of the time, sure
Sometimes
Never

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Are you a team player?
No, I'm the Lone Ranger.
I'm only concerned with other people being team players.
I can be.
I am.

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Do you eat, sleep, and breathe sports?
No, I like opera a lot too.
No, I also love the movies.
Mostly, though I do also like to read.
Yes

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Are you resigned to never being a star player yourself?
No! I harbor secret plans to play in the bigs!
No, I play in a league with my pals.
Pretty much
Yes

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Do you ever get the giggles at inopportune moments?
All the time! Tee-hee!
Frequently, ha ha!
Rarely
Never

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Can you put someone in their place without cursing?
F-. Excuse me. No.
Not unless children are present.
Most of the time
Yes, of course

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Do you mind traveling?
Yeah, I hate flying commercial.
I don't want to travel far.
I love a good long drive.
I love traveling.

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Do you mind long hours?
Yeah, I like a nice short day.
I don't want to stay out all night, I have an appointment with Netflix!
I'll live with them, but I don't like them.
No, I don't mind standing around all day.

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Are you allergic to peanuts?
Yes, I could die from the dust!
I think I may be, and I keep an epi pen around just in case.
I don't think so.
No

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Do you love money?
Yes! I like to spread cash out on my bed and do the breaststroke in it.
Yes, which is why I have my day job in the city.
No, I want to be poor.
No, I just want to be underpaid and underappreciated.

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How's your balance?
Awful. I fall over all the—whoops! .
If I'm on my feet for too long, I could suddenly get weak in the knees.
Pretty good
I could be a snowboarding champion.

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How's your stamina?
Not great. I fall asleep sitting up all the... zzzzzz.
I need to be in bed by 7.
I can be on my feet for hours without getting tired.
I could stand like a statue all day.

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Do you exude a steely professionalism that anyone can appreciate, even if they don't share it?
Nope, I'm such a partisan, I have my local team's logo tattooed on my forehead so it looks like I'm wearing their cap all the time.
No, I tend to play favorites.
I'm very professional.
I'm textbook professional.

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Do you ever get vindictive urges?
All the time
Periodically
Rarely
Never

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Are you playful?
Yes! I love to pull others' chains.
I'm playful when sports is involved.
Not very playful
No one would accuse me of that.

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