Play a Game of "Would You Rather" and We'll Give You a Mythical Creature Guardian

By: Zoe Samuel

Play a Game of "Would You Rather" and We'll Give You a Mythical Creature Guardian
Image: Wiki Commons via BenduKiwi

About This Quiz

The last time we gave someone a mythical creature guardian without asking them to do a "would you rather" game, it was a total disaster, and our insurer decided never to insure us for it again. It was a mess: fur and feathers were everywhere, and the person we gave it to got teleported into the 16th realm of the fifth dimension and turned into a magnetic fish.

Naturally, being paired with the correct mythic creature guardian is of paramount importance. If you don't answer this quiz honestly, we can't take responsibility for the consequences. We're still sifting through a grain silo for the first person who lied about this stuff, and we thought we'd paired him with the most docile of mythical creature guardians. Think of this survey as a form you'd fill out at the doctor's office, a psychiatrist's office or a police station, because if you don't answer honestly, you may end up having to visit all three of those places, though not necessarily in that order.

So think hard, answer honestly, and everything will be fine. We can pair you with the mythical creature guardian that is right for you. Please just tell us the truth. We couldn't handle another Elizabeth, NJ incident.

Would you rather go out for the evening or stay home?
I'd like to go out and explore!
I'd definitely want to go out.
I'd definitely like to stay in and watch TV.
I'd like to stay in and read the forbidden passages from the book that just appeared on my bookshelf.

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Would you rather gamble in a casino or speculate on stocks?
I'd definitely prefer the casino. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!
Probably stocks. Safer.
Definitely stocks! It helps the economy!
I will perform a ritual with fresh giblets in a ring of candles and win every hand in the casino.

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Would you rather assemble your own model or just buy a toy?
I'd much rather assemble a model!
I'll just buy the toy. Definitely.
I might prefer the model, it if isn't too much trouble.
We are all toys in the hands of the fates, who are, themselves, an illusion.

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Would you rather endure a recession or lose your mind?
Um, obviously the recession.
Are you kidding? The recession, in a heartbeat!
I'll stick with the recession, thanks.
All economics are a kabuki play meant to blind us to the madness that is existence.

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Would you rather walk 500 miles safely, or ride a car while in fear for your life?
Ugh. I hate walking. I guess I'll deal with the car.
I'd probably walk.
I'd definitely walk.
The planet is a giant car, hurtling down a road into the darkness that awaits us all.

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Would you rather jump off a three-story roof and hurt your ankles, or sit on a sharp tack with your bare bottom?
Ouch! I'll take the tack I guess.
Definitely jumping. I sit at work.
I'll probably jump off the roof, since I can always enjoy TV while I recover.
I would stick myself with the tack in a fruitless quest to prove that I am not living in a dream.

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Would you rather a short, unpleasant flight, or a long, tolerable train ride?
Probably the plane. Get it over with.
Definitely the train. I've always wanted to go on a long train ride!
Probably the train. I can catch up on reading!
Definitely the plane. I will feel as though I can reach up into the darkness of space and touch the face of God.

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Would you rather have a lovely ice cream cone or have your mind shattered into a thousand pieces by an unspeakable horror?
Ice cream sounds good ... but maybe I'll try the madness!
Definitely the ice cream, thanks.
Who wouldn't pick the ice cream?!
True knowledge is the act of beholding that which terrifies. Madness is only the expression of the knowledge of the horrors that surround us.

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Would you rather have a high-paying job you're only OK with, or a dream job that leaves you broke?
I'd probably take the dream job.
I'd definitely take the OK job.
Probably the OK job.
I would take the dream job, for only then will the systems be torn asunder and all lucre will lose its value.

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Would you rather get a heartfelt thank you letter in the mail, or a gift certificate?
I'll take the gift certificate.
Definitely the gift certificate. Apple store here I come!
I'd probably take the letter.
I'd definitely prefer the letter. Handwriting is an imprint of the soul.

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Would you rather go on a dream vacation with someone annoying, or a terrible trip with someone you think is awesome?
Definitely the terrible trip. I love my friends!
Probably the trip
Probably the dream vacation. Who cares who is with me if we're both mudding in a spa?
Definitely the dream vacation. I need to unwind!

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Would you rather have the magic power of flight or have all perceptions shattered, know unadulterated truth and lose all sense of the concept of faith?
I might consider losing my faith.
I would much rather fly.
I'd probably fly. I could reach high shelves!
I would definitely rather lose my sanity and know perfect truth.

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Would you rather be a really good juggler or a really good musician?
I'd probably want to be a musician. I like the guitar.
I would probably rather be a juggler. I could earn money at county fairs!
I would definitely be a juggler. Juggling is cool.
Definitely the musician. I always carry a harmonica.

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Would you rather have the coolest friends, or be cool yourself?
I would definitely rather have cool friends.
I would probably rather be cool. I could wear sunglasses at night!
I would definitely rather be cool.
I would probably rather cool friends.

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Would you rather be praised for something you didn't do, or get a little pat on the back for something you did do?
I'd probably rather be praised for what I didn't do.
I think I'd feel more comfortable taking credit for what I did do, even if the praise is faint.
I'd definitely rather get the respect I earned.
I'd definitely rather get lots of praise for what I did not do.

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Would you rather hit a home run in the World Series, or realize that you are but a tiny hair on the back of a giant beast that is the whole universe?
I might prefer to know my place in the universe.
I would definitely rather hit the homer in the Series.
I would probably rather hit the homer, just to avoid the other fate! I don't even like or know how to play baseball!
I've already realized that. I would not change that.

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Would you rather your favorite movie get a pretty decent sequel, or get to watch it again for the first time every time you see it?
I'd definitely rather the sequel.
I'd definitely rather watch it again for the first time.
I'd probably take the good sequel. I love that movie!
I'd probably watch it again for the first time. I really liked it.

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Would you rather face social shame or monetary damages?
Oh, almost certainly the money damages.
Probably the social shame
I'd probably rather lose money. I can always ask my friends for it since they like me.
I would definitely rather the social shame. I don't have any friends anyway.

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Would you rather your best friend turn into a jerk or your spouse turn into a jerk?
I'd probably rather my friend turn into a jerk. At least I don't have to see them all the time.
I'd probably rather my spouse turn into a jerk. I kind of think they already are one anyway ...
I'd definitely rather my spouse become a jerk. At least they'd be on my side!
I'd definitely rather my friend become a jerk, because that's easier than a divorce.

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Would you rather bite into an apple only to find out it is a little mealy, or gain the power to control minds at the cost of having your mind controlled?
I think controlling minds would be fun! Probably that then.
Probably the apple. I'm a little creeped out.
Definitely the apple. I don't want anyone in my head.
I would definitely take the mind control, and through me, the Great Old One would act.

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Would you rather win a large fortune in stock that will one day be valuable, or a huge pile of cash now?
I'd probably take the cash. I might want to put it in T-bills.
I'd probably take the stock, because of tax reasons.
I'd definitely take the stock, since I don't want to get calls from all my friends asking for money.
I would take the cash, because our time is running out.

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Would you rather know how to fix everything cheaply, or replace everything cheaply?
I'd definitely rather fix things. I think that fixing is always cheaper than replacing.
I would definitely rather replace things cheaply, since I like to shop.
I'd probably rather be able to fix thing. Seems handy.
I'd probably rather replace things. It's just easier.

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Would you rather live in a large, comfortable house in a bad neighborhood or a small, nasty house in a really nice neighborhood?
A big, comfy house, probably
A small, nasty house. I can always go out into the neighborhood.
Definitely the small one. I need my artisanal mayonnaise store.
Probably the big one. I can really stretch out.

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Would you rather write the great American novel, or write the Necronomicon in the lifeblood of the dead gods?
The Necronomicon? Sounds cool! I'd probably go for that. What's it about?
I'd definitely prefer the novel. It's lucrative and respectable!
I'd probably rather the novel. It's less ... disturbing sounding.
I am already writing the Necronomicon on the lifeblood of the dead gods, and soon I shall read it on my altar of bones.

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Would you rather have to ride a bike to work in the winter, or wear a heavy winter coat all summer?
Oh no! I suppose I'd be OK with the coat.
I'd probably ride the bike. I hate the heat.
I'd definitely wear the jacket. I can always put on AC and have ice packs in my pockets.
I'd definitely ride the bike in winter. I like the cold.

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Would you rather pay no ATM fees but huge checking fees, or no checking fees but huge ATM fees?
I'd definitely rather the big checking fees, for sure.
I'd probably rather the ATM fees. Who uses cash anyway?
I'd definitely prefer the ATM fees. I pay for everything in bitcoin.
I'd probably rather the checking fees. I use ATMs all the time.

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Would you rather live in a cozy house or a cold, modern, house?
I'd probably take a cold, modern one. Less DIY.
I'd probably take the cozy one.
I'd definitely take the cozy one. I like cozy!
I'd definitely live in the modern one. I can always make it cozy!

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Would you rather own an adorable puppy or a cat in whose eyes lie only madness?
I'd probably take the cat. I'm a cat person.
I'd probably take the puppy. Everyone likes puppies.
I'd definitely take the puppy! I'm a dog person.
I'd definitely take the cat. I'm a madness person.

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Would you rather have ten million frequent flyer miles or ten million credit card points?
I'll probably take the miles! Bali, here I come!
I'd definitely take the points. Spending spree!
I'd probably take the points. New shoes!
I'd definitely take the miles. I'd love to run away.

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Would you rather eat chocolate without any health detriments or steak without any health detriments?
Steak, definitely.
Probably the steak. It's tasty!
I'd probably go for the chocolate. I love brownies!
I'd definitely go for the chocolate. Dark chocolate.

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