You're a Dog—Can You Impress the Judges and Become Best in Show?

By: Zoe Samuel

You're a Dog—Can You Impress the Judges and Become Best in Show?
Image: SensorSpot / E+ / Getty Images

About This Quiz

If you were a dog, obviously you would be thoroughly cute and lovable, as all dogs are. Your owner would love you no matter whether your behavior was good or bad, and when it was finally time for you to cross the rainbow bridge, you would immediately go to heaven, as all dogs do.

However, the truth is that while all dogs are good, not all dogs are equally likely to win Best in Show. This is because some dogs simply aren't show material. To win, you have to have ironclad doggie discipline, as well as being in stellar shape and having a form that is considered essentially perfect for your breed. This is no easy thing to do, and only the very best dogs even qualify to compete.

Still, if you were a dog--and especially if you were YOUR dog--how might you do? Could your sweet nature, excellent behavior and sterling levels of cuteness persuade even the toughest judge that you are Best In Show? Would you make your owner proud, or leave them clutching their head in despair as you deliberately soil the arena floor? On behalf of your actual real-life dog, or if you prefer, your own inner dog self, it's time to take the test that will tell you whether life in the arena is right for you.

Can you run in a circle without going off to either side?
I'm doing it right now!
I don't know, that sounds really hard.
Only when I want to
No, I hate circles.

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Do you have a shiny coat and bright eyes?
I do! They are very shiny and bright!
They're pretty good.
They're average.
Look, I had a bout of mange. It's over, but it was a thing.

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When was the last time you got in there and brushed your teeth really, really well?
Today!
Last week
I chew a special stick for that.
Um ...

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Do you know how to avoid procrastination and distraction?
Of course
I know, but I do not always do it.
I know in theory.
What? Sorry, I was licking--what?

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If you see an old friend, do you always have to run over and greet them?
No, they can wait a minute.
I have to tell them I saw them, at least.
Yes, that's polite
I don't have any old friends.

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How well do you handle being among large crowds?
I love them!
I can deal.
I hate them!
I fear them and would run away.

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What is your favorite TV show?
I like whatever my human puts on.
Crufts
Will & Grace
Hustle

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Can you handle waiting around for long periods?
Sure, I am very serene.
As long as my human is there
If I have to
No

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Do you really enjoy grooming?
Grooming is the best!
I don't mind it.
I like the brushing but not the nail filing.
Only the NSFW parts ... if you know what I mean.

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What's your idea of an excellent snack?
A nice biscuit
A nice chew
A pig's ear
A huge bone

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Your human left a loaf of bread on the sideboard. What do you do?
Tell them it is there, so they put it away.
Bring it to them. I'm helpful!
Hide it in my bed for later
Chew it a little, then put it back before they can tell

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If you're told not to get on the couch, how often will you get on the couch?
Never
Only when invited onto a lap
Whenever my human is out
Whenever I want

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How well do you walk to heel?
Very well, including without a leash
Very well on a leash, not so well without it
I have issues with that.
I don't do heel.

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When you gotta go, have you REALLY gotta go?
I can hold it for ages!
I can hold for a few minutes.
It's not about having to go, it's about the fact that I gotta mark territory.
That's biology, man. I don't make the rules.

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What is the most important thing in your life?
Making my human happy
Winning
Having fun with my human
Not ending up in a shelter again

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Would you rather get a medal, or make a roomful of humans laugh really hard?
Medal, duh.
Probably the medal
Depends-- why are they laughing?
I don't want either.

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If the judge has a very attractive leg, how would you feel about that?
I would politely avert my eyes.
I would look at it and sigh.
I would tell all my friends.
I would have to make a pass at it. I can't help it. I will back off if I am rejected.

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How important is it to win?
My human cares, therefore I care.
It's very important!
It's cool if you can.
It's for losers. Ironic, isn't it?

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How far back can you list your doggie pedigree?
100 years
40 years
2 generations
I couldn't tell you anyone's name.

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How did your current human and you come into one another's lives?
I was born in their house.
I came to their house as a puppy, from another nice house.
They bought me from a store.
They rescued me from a bad place where I was lonely.

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How do you feel about going on a car ride?
A car ride! Can I, please? Hooray!
Ooh, I do like one of those.
I guess I could be into that.
No! The car ride means abandonment.

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Do you want to make puppies someday?
Sure, if that is what my human thinks is best.
I wouldn't mind.
No, thanks!
No, puppies are squeaky and annoying.

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If you have an itch, how long can you bear to go without scratching it?
Until my human says
A minute, maybe
A few seconds
I'm already scratching it.

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Do you consider your doggie self to be something of a mutt?
No! I am Thornfield Wulfstan Snuggles the Third and I have a family tree of which I am immensely proud.
I'm pretty sure I'm pedigree, man.
I might be. I don't mind much.
Yeah, definitely

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How important is it to be a real "good boy" or "good girl"?
It is life and death
It is very important.
It is good if you can pull it off.
You should be good enough not to get given away.

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How old were you when you first had puppy training?
I don't remember ever not being trained.
I went to classes at 14 weeks.
About 8 months
I never had that.

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If you see your mortal enemy, what's going to happen next?
I will beat them in competition, that's what is going to happen next.
I ignore them.
I growl a lot.
I savage them with my fangs! Grrrrr!

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Do you sometimes pick up a ball and refuse to put it down?
No, I don't feel that strongly about my toy ball.
Only when a stranger tries to take it
Once in a while
It's my ball. Get your own ball.

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How often do you run off without your human?
Never!
Only when I can smell my true love who lives down the lane!
When it is trash day, I do what I gotta do.
Daily, if I can.

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Would you let a strange person run their hands over your legs and paws if your human told you to?
Of course, if my human says they are OK, they are OK.
I would, but I have tickly paws!
I would consider it, depending on the person.
No! Don't touch me, strange person!

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